Handbook Posts: If He Has to Be Dragged, Leave Him Behind

WARNING: These are HANDBOOK POSTS -- WRITTEN A LONG TIME AGO by some great women with great thoughts and deemed as handbook worthy by FDS mods for a reason. If you feel triggered or disagree with something -- THE SMART THING TO DO IS TO MOVE ON. Agree to disagree and go on your merry way. Stop trying to start bullsh*t in the comment section because I have no patience to deal with you.

Originally posted by u/masterofthebarkarts on FDS subreddit. All rights reserved to the original writer.

Our culture treats marriage and long-term relationships like status symbols. Simply being coupled-up comes with a certain social cache. Sometimes, the desire to be seen as normal, as successful, and as lovable makes us act against our own best interest.

There are few more perfect examples of this phenomena then the "if that's what you want, I guess" boyfriend.

You start seeing a man and you like him - a lot. You fall hard. He's funny, he's smart, he's good-looking. Sure, he's kind of under-achieving, but he has plenty of good reasons. For one, his boss is not very nice. And his last girlfriend was So Demanding! What does it matter that he's lived in the same kind-of crappy apartment for the last ten years? And what does it matter that he's been in the same underpaid job since graduating University? He's got Big plans, but things take time!

When you ask about exclusivity, he'll agree - "if that's what you want, I guess". He's happy to be exclusive, since he feels more secure. But he wasn't going to ask you - what if you said no? If you want to move in together, he'll agree ("if that's what you want, I guess") but he won't really spend any time looking at apartments. He doesn't mind being where he is, and he can play games all Sunday when you're not around. But he'll move, for you. If that's what you want.

Once you've coordinated his move and yours into your new apartment, you will quickly discover that his housekeeping never evolved past middle school. He'll ignore you if you complain - after all, you did all this work to move in together! You'll spend more time doing the chores, and you'll take over grocery shopping once you realize you don't want to live off poptarts. But he's loyal! He isn't going out flirting with other girls - in fact, he isn't doing much of anything at all.

After living together for a year or two, your friends and family start asking about marriage. You'd like to get engaged - after all, everyone else is, and you've put so much work into this! You talk to your man about getting married, and he's fine with the idea, "if that's what you want, I guess". You want to have kids - he's not really into it, but he'll do it for you, if that's what you want, even though he has no real desire to be a father.

At some point, perhaps while you're single-handedly planning a wedding for 100 people while he procrastinates on buying the suit you picked out for him, you realize that this man has never been enthused about you, the life you're building together, or the things you value. He's going along with your plans because you make them, not because they're his plans too. If you had never showed up, he'd still be in his shitty apartment, eating cereal and not vacuuming, and here's the secret: he'd be just as happy. Because he is lazy, and comfortable, and perfectly happy with a mediocre life.

Girl, dump him. If you have to drag a man to the next phase of his life - if you have to argue a man into marriage - if a man is willing to "compromise" and have kids with you, even though he doesn't want them - DUMP HIM NOW. You will wear yourself out trying to drag him into adulthood. You will never have a real partner. At best, you'll have a moderately sullen, somewhat compliant man-child.

You can't build a life with a man who cannot have one without you. Leave him to his Xbox and find someone who is ready, willing and able - and excited - to move forward with you.

If he has to be dragged, leave him behind.

The handbook posts project.

Anyone who wants to contribute to this project, please puts [Handbook Posts:] in their title so there's a distinction. Also tag @SayNad so that I can find them.