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I made a thread a few weeks ago about me and my fiancé breaking up, and followed the advice by cutting the cord with him. Since then I blocked him, went on holiday for a few days and he made a new account to contact me. I didn't want to end on bad terms and I suspected he would keep making new accounts, so I let him vent to me in the DMs and mostly ignored the messages. He was trying to prove how much he has changed and trying to convince me to change my mind, and also doing guilt trips. I eventually responded saying I'm sorry because I felt so guilty. He said he wanted to come visit me for my upcoming birthday and get gifts. He said he was sorry about a bunch of things. I was fortunately still done with him and was not willing to try again. I told him no to visiting, no to trying again, and he withdrew.
I'm mainly making this post to vent, and hopefully release some of the guilt I've been feeling because he literally blames me for his situation. He has casually said how he's going to be homeless in a year, how he's going to lose his job, he has had his fucking mother messaging me, he has suggested me to get a therapist "out of concern" because he does not think I should be "holding grudges" for the emotionally abusive things he has done over the years. He sent another message over night, saying he does not like who I am anymore and how he does not care about where I'm headed. Saying how I left his life in shambles. Asking if I used him for gifts then dumped him as soon as I got my own income (because I'm just a gold digging woman of course, its in my double X chromosomes!).
He says how he loved the "girl" who was there for him during hard times. I was there for him for emotional support every day for months (I got treated like shit in return but he left that part out, so it makes me slightly angry that he has the audacity to play victim).
I've felt happier than i have felt in months, years even, but i have been plagued with guilt that he has been putting on me. I feel sick because of it, cant sleep and hate eating. I feel bad for saying yes to the engagement and taking things so far but I can't help that my feelings for him basically evaporated and I told him his living situation is not my fault.
I will probably block him soon, although I did not want to end on bad terms. How do I get rid of this guilt I have? we were going to move in together and he paid a lot for flights to visit, and now he has to sort out a new living situation.
Here is part of his message so you can see what I am dealing with;
" I loved you, I lived for you, I sacrificed for you. Maybe that was too much for you to handle I'm not sure but I am sure you never appreciated it, very few people would have done what I did and it was treated like nothing the only thing that mattered were the things I did wrong. Those were the things you chose to hold on to and you seem to think that's healthy? "
"I know I said I would take you back if you ever changed your mind but I think I have to retract that. Because with how you've handled this whole thing it's clear now the person I fell in love with is gone and I don't like what's taken their place. They're simultaneously cold and naïve, I suggested therapy cuz I wanted what was best for you but you seem happy with your denial and I'm too busy fixing"
How do you get rid of the guilt? You start putting yourself first and stop being a doormat to him. FDS advocates for BLOCK and DELETE for a reason. So that you’re protected from his repeated attempts to hurt you. I’m sorry to be harsh, but you need the truth. He has literally told on himself and you are still allowing him to infect your mind with self-doubt with all the nasty shit he is saying. It’s good in a way that he is saying how he really felt about you though, because now you know his true side! He wanted a suffering martyr to endure the hardship he would put her through. He did not want a woman he supported and cherished, that he would give everything to make her life joyous and relaxing. You need to get the whole “I don’t want to end on bad terms” crap out of your head. You cannot control how someone else feels/responds to your actions. You can only control your OWN choices and actions. CHOOSE your sanity. Take ACTION by focusing on yourself and investing your time and energy into your own level up journey. You’ve got this!
Want to stop feeling guilty? Get angry.
Look at what this motherfucker is sending you. He's blaming YOU for his shitty living situation, for losing his job, for his mom being on his ass, for his life falling apart. Huh? Your logical mind knows that's bs. Get angry that he dares put that on you. You were never responsible for the roof over his head or his job. He loved the doormat you once were, and he openly pines for that ghost to your face. Get angry at him. He claims all he did was "too much for you to handle" - how are you not enraged at this manipulation? It's disrespectful, self-serving and not even true. Get angry
What's fueling the guilt is you staying in contact with him. The only solution is to for real block/ delete him. He has every right to want to vent about being dumped. But he should be venting to a friend, not you.
That message is riddled with red flags, damn. The first two sentences he's telling you what you are, what you think. Like an abuser, twisting reality and intentionally leaving shit out - after the fact, in order to justify the abuse. You dodged a nuke and I'm really proud of you.
As for the guilt? I'm not sure but time heals a lot. Your body is still leveling out its hormones and what not after breaking up with him. Its like withdrawing from a drug when you go from sleeping next to someone every night to sleeping alone.
He's complaining about flight costs when it was his choice to take those flights to see you. It was his choice to spend that money.(I spy a pattern with this dude being transactional lol) Is he gonna send you an invoice? Lol. He wants to blame wasting his money on you, but he wasted your time, something money can't buy. His dumbass blew up the relationship being unreasonable so don't even worry about it. Your hormones will even out and you'll feel a weight lifted off you.
Tit for tat dudes are no good. They inevitably treat you like a burden because its about control. You can 50/50 everything down to the decimal point and he'll move the goal posts. Like how he made his blunder asking you to pay half to see his parents - is suddenly now about how yOu HoLd gRuDgES. "Holding me accountable is mean! Waah!" Lol
Pointing out how rude it is to ask my guest to go halfsies on meeting my parents, something they don't even want to do, is *disrespectful to my feelings*
He is a misogynist and gaslighter - he is using your empathy against you and he doesn’t deserve an ounce of your energy or your mental health. Please block and delete, things don’t need to end on his terms.
Why is blocking and deleting so hard for women to understand 🤣 We say that shit like we're in a cult and ya still don't listen lmao Block and delete his ass- his messages should be proof that you made the right choice from how entitled, bitchy and downright annoying he is. You'll move on, but that will only happen when you block all contact.
This is emotional abuse. Don’t fall for it. Enjoy your freedom. You should always be willing to go scorched earth. Make peace with being seen as a bad woman by an abusive male. Also, for an abusive male, a "good woman" is a submissive doormat who accepts his abuse with sniveling obeisance. So you'll never be good enough unless you accept being stomped underneath his boots. They know we are socialized to be good girls which is why he’s weaponizing it.
You want to be "good" I get it, but turn your kindness only towards yourself. You think that bc you broke up with him, (which was simply you rescuing yourself from unhappiness and abuse,) that allowing yourself to be a sounding board for his maniacal frustrations and his entitled tantrums is the very least you owe him. But you shouldn't be doing anything for his benefit at all. You owe him nothing. And giving yourself peace of mind is the very least you can do for YOU.
After all, if he was a good man to you you wouldn't be leaving in the first place! You're not immune to his guilt tripping, words matter, they have the ability to evoke emotion regardless of what logical thinking tells us. So remove yourself from his sphere of influence. B&D baby. BLOCK AND DELETE. Let him cry to his friends and his mummy.
Every time I fell for a man’s guilt tripping I sorely regretted it. Enjoy your freedom. Welcome to the Bad Girls Club🌞😂.
BLOCK him. This is the most stereotypical crap that LVM spill. He lost his bangmaid and he's losing it. He will continue to do and say whatever he thinks you might be looking for and it will be temporary and then you will be even more traumatized. BLOCK AND RUN AWAY
Good riddance. You feel guilty because he has programmed you to feel that way. Block, delete, and do get therapy so that you gain the self-love and self-care you need to heal from being with an abuser. He’s a walking trash can and not worth another single tear.
Sounds like a typical abusive narcissist! Please, please block him and if he tries again, contact the authorities. I am afraid of what this man is capable of. The first few weeks and months of leaving an abuser is the most dangerous time for a woman and the rate of homicide is at its highest.
Your feelings of guilt is super normal for a victim of domestic violence. Unlike him, you are capable of empathy and compassion, but he doesn't deserve any of that. He's really trying to gaslight you into coming back and trying to prove him wrong when he said that you are a cold and naïve person. The hell does he know?!
Why would you ever, EVER entertain this at all? It’s DESIGNED to make you feel guilty. In your unappreciated attempts to “not part on bad terms” you’re giving this manipulative fucker everything he wants. Block and delete now and stop letting him live in your head.
First off nobody can change for the better in only four weeks so he's definitely lying about that. He only has himself to blame for the situation. And yeah you probably are a different person from the person he fell in love with and that's for the better. Block and delete again. Block and delete any new accounts he makes. It's better for you and him in the end. He needs to move on
See how he is behaving? That is all the proof you need that you did what was right. He said nasty things to you. Look how he lashes out and then goes back to trying to kiss ass. He’s desperate and just doing whatever he thinks might work to reel you back in.
OP first off Congratulation again for doing something difficult but necessary which is ending an engagement that was not serving you. What you’re seeing proves that he was not a good man to you and he is trying to tug at your heart (he recognizes that you’re a good person) to make you crawl back to him. He wants to have the control and power. So this proves the point that you ignoring him and disengaging from him made him want to come back.
OP what you’re feeling afterwards is valid and understandable given what you’re going through. As others haves have said you're still bonded to him so it will take time for your soul, mind and body to disconnect from him. But you will get there.
Below are some suggestions to help-
1. Block his number- do not respond to any of his messages. And if possible get a whole new cell number so he’ll never be able to reach you. Men want a womens attention- whether good or bad. He wants you to message him back so you have to continue to ignore him and allow him to keep having his temper tantrums.
2. If you haven’t already done so write a list of what he has done to you, how bad you felt, these types of messages he sent and refer back to it when you start to feel like you miss him or want him back.
3. If you haven’t done so start journaling your breakup journey. It will help you process what is happening and you’ll be able to look back and see how far you’ve come. OP I wanted to highlight an important reflection that you’ve made is “I’ve been happier than I’ve ever been in months even years”. That’s amazing and it’s wonderful you’ve recognized this. It’s showing that ending this brought you to joy and what your ex is doing is trying to open back wounds that you’ve already healed and trying to make you feel sad and guilty. He doesn't want to see you happy.
Personally I love the following prompts to help with continuing to record your happiness”. “Today’s happy moments were”…
“I celebrate”…(write a small or big win for the day)
“I am grateful for”…
4. If you haven’t done so start a new hobby or work on a new skill that you’ve wanted to do but have never tried or stopped doing. This will help in your level up journey but also when you think back to your breakup it will remind you of this new thing you’ve learned and give you another tangible positive thing to come out of the breakup.
OP I wish you the best of luck. And remember you have a community here so when things get challenging come back and comment and/or read posts to provide you comfort (HVM posts can be helpful to remind you what you deserve in a new relationship) ❤️❤️
On a number of occasions I have also felt extreme guilt for hurting someone. It was horrible so I know exactly how you are feeling. Back then, I ended up going to a dr and they prescribed a light dose of anti depressant to enable me to get some clarity on the situation. I knew deep down it wqs the right decision to end the relationship and you know that too. In his messages I see him just talk talk talk about how much he loves you and it’s clear from your post there was absolutely no action to show you to show you. I’m glad you are free and feeling better - time is a healer also so let yourself feel the feelings and grieve what was. Sending hugs x
Ahahaha! What a douche! Rest easy, Queen. You made the right choice.
Talk about having made the right decision to break off the engagement! Bullet dodged. Imagine how much more abusive this will get if you remain in contact? It’s going to be a chore to keep blocking all the fake accounts he’s going to create to keep control over you, but you really must understand the value of Remaining Total, Permanent No Contact here. Protect your peace!
Go ahead and go through some of his rants and count.
17 times.
That‘a how many times he says “I” in those five sentences.
13 implicit or explicit accusations.
Now imagine yourself ever talking to ANYONE like that. Even if you were heartbroken. You wouldn’t.
This guy is intentionally abusive and you need to recognize the tactics to undermine, accuse, bully, coerce, insult. He does not love you and never did. He loves himself and the ego boost he got from you. Truly.
How even to fit “I” seventeen times into five sentences? He is the center of his own universe and you don’t fit there.
You are not rehab and if he never learned in formative years to respect anyone, it’s not on you to correct, accommodate, acknowledge in anyway. Block and delete and never meet this man.