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You know those groups where people share unsafe men they've dated in their specific cities? First, I am so grateful for them and I think they do a lot of fantastic work in protecting women but I am also tired of seeing Himpathy in spaces where the goal is to expose predatory/manipulative/red flag men. These groups don't exist in a vacuum - they're still a lot of internalized misogyny in these spaces and something inherently Pickme about some of the behaviors I've seen on there especially since it feels like the goal is not just to warn women but on some posts I get the sense the goal is also to be chosen by a man (I feel like many have opted out of dating or have high standards in these groups, but there are also many who are very ardent in their pursuit to the point where they encourage other women to have low standards in dating, to ALWAYS consider the man's perspective as equally as the woman's as if women aren't already burdened/oppressed, etc).
I do see a lot of support on these groups and awesome posts of serial predators being exposed, but then I've also seen a lot of problematic behaviors from Pickme women. For example, recently I've heard stories of women pursuing men romantically who they didn't even know but stalking him after he is posted because they thought he was cute - which was bizarre to see from the stories in the comments LOL.
I also see women get judged more harshly by Pickme women than the men they post. Especially the ones in really volatile, emotionally abusive relationships get judged. There's a certain type of hypocritical Pickme where they have such high standards for other women but their moral standards for men are very low - they themselves settles for things like FWB and rationalize a man's behavior while judging a woman in an abusive relationship harshly and acting like she has to be perfect while being perpetually traumatized - and that makes me sick. It's hypocrisy.
The trauma of chronic emotional/psychological abuse has actual effects on the brain. According to domestic violence researchers, abusers use similar interrogation tactics/abuse tactics as the ones used on prisoners of war. IMO we need to give a little more grace to survivors whose daily goal is just to "survive" and get out. Not saying we shouldn't tell them the truth and tell them to get out. We should. But we shouldn't be victim-shaming so excessively to the point where they feel just as bad as they are in the abusive relationship. I see it all the time: survivors feel further shamed, isolated and then go back to their abusers because the devil they know is perceived as "better" than the women judging them.
And I'd like to offer a nuanced take: I think while the vast majority of women who are warning others in these groups are doing a public service and I am so grateful for them, there are also some Pickmes who warn women about predatory men that don't always have the purest of motives. They may be absolutely correct in their warning but some of them continue to justify/defend the person they were warning you about while judging you harshly than they ever will judge the man, and some of them do it because they have the pickme belief of hopefully being chosen/considered if they can get you out of the picture, or at the very least, they won't have to see a man they may have liked with someone else. Some of these women crave male attention and want the attention to be focused only on them and continue some form of contact (i.e. social media) with these men in the same breath that they're warning you about them.
Which, whatever, as long as you're warned that doesn't matter. As long as you get out, their warning served a good purpose regardless of their true motives. But just saying that these people are still brainwashed by the same patriarchial society we all are and are not above being problematic/Pickme-ish themselves, and they can project onto you and shame people who don't really deserve it because of their motives while letting the real abusers off the hook.
Most men posted to these groups have the dead eyes and look dodgy, you can tell by their personal styling / body language / photoshoot. I'm always thinking like...girl come on, you know he's not faithful to you
Well written. I'm in some of these groups in my city and have been thinking of posting something like this.
I think the groups overall are a positive but you're right there's a pickme /woe is him infiltration.
The groups aren't exactly necessary though - I believe that if you're seasoned in looking for red flags and trust your gut enough - you'll know something is off.
The groups are better for people who aren't great at listening to themselves, or are newer to FDS. It can also be good if you've recently moved so you can already be aware of the serial cheaters that get posted about several times by many different women. When I was a recovering pickme, seeing proof was the only way I could truly believe it. So it can be a helpful tool for many women.
The admins of the groups I'm in have to constantly remind us not to tattle to other men about the group. These stupid pick-me's who tell men that their photos were posted don't get it. They don't understand the danger they're putting the woman who posted in.
Imo the pickmeism is not subtle. It's very blatant. The groups are a step in the right direction, but they are not FDS.
Get your real input here, in these types of groups we are spreading wisdom not gaining it. There are also a lot of "wolves" in there who will out the women warning directly to the scrotes. Stay vigilant (as it clearly seems you are!)
These groups are welcoming to all women, regardless of their views on dating, for as long as they don't rat on other women and don't share content with men. The audience is large and diverse, so there are many, many pickmies and women without any standards. There's no way to avoid this unfortunately. Hopefully, they'll see the light one day.