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I was in a friend group at uni with this guy I later got together with, and another girl who I was/am very close with.
My ex started off all sweet and caring, and got to me when I was in a bad place. I felt like, wow, things are gonna be so great with this guy. A few months later, I'd dropped to the bottom of his priority list. We were long distance but during lockdown he came back to the country and I only saw him for one week the whole year. Every time I tried to express my feelings to him he would get mad and tell me that I was always complaining and making him feel bad, or I didn't understand that he needed to focus on work or how he needed to see his parents a lot. He started giving me the silent treatment, one time for ten days. When I asked him if he meant to break up with me, he got mad at me and said I could have reached out.
Okay, well as you can see from my explanations, I still worry that I was in the wrong. That maybe he was a hard-working guy who loved his family and I pushed him away. That was the kind of way he made me feel when I tried to communicate with him.
Well, when I broke up with this guy 2 years ago, my best friend was like "oh maybe you can get back together later." She made it clear she was still going to be chill with him, and said "He didn't do anything to ME." I got upset and she messaged me later saying she didn't want me to think she didn't have my back, but I always remembered her instinctive response.
Anyway, a bunch of stuff happened over the past two years involving me getting away from my abusive family. I've been safe now for over six months and I think back to what she said. She never let me vent about him and always played both sides, although one time she said what he did was "horrible". I started running again, which I used to love, and I noticed she was still liking all his runs. (I hadn't been on to unfollow him).
The resentment in me just grew and I eventually couldn't bring myself to message her. She obviously became confused and messaged me a bunch of times over the last couple months. I want to explain to her and see if she'll get it, but at the same time, I'm cringing that she chose to stay neutral (at least) with him. I just sent her a message saying I will explain and she was like "I will try to understand", but is it even worth it?
We are mid twenties so I don't know. She has helped me and supported me before and we used to get on well. But this has caused so much doubt and resentment for me.
Please block and delete both of them, they both majorly suck and your reaction to them is in no way unreasonable. I would argue it’s too kind and generous. Their behaviour is highly unacceptable for both friend and lover. It reeks of disrespect. It would be very valid for you to cut them off MUCH earlier. I’m WTFing at one week the whole year. He should have made much more effort to see you, 7 out of 365 isn’t a relationship at all. And audacity of him dismissing your feelings makes me want to scream. The woman tacitly condoning this atrocious behaviour is not a “friend” at all.
He emotionally abused you and your friend is a terrible PickMe. I sense that she idealizes him on some level, and is so male centered she doesn’t even hesitate to pander for crumbs of his validation at your expense. She doesn’t sound like a friend at all, and as you build your self esteem, such behavior will start to repulse you immediately.
No, she won’t get it. She’s not woman centered. Afterall he didn’t “do anything to her”. A real friend would distance themselves from a man if you broke up with him, even if he was HV and it was amicable. A woman centered woman would instinctively understand that.
She is not a friend at all. Worse, she could be relaying your personal life and other important details to that scrotey ex. so please tread carefully.
block and delete for your safety and wellbeing
Both of them are for sure going to bond over trash talking you. I agree with others —block and delete the ex and the friend. She’s not your friend.