.png)
Let's collectively raise our standards! When I was still with my abusive ex, there were so many things I considered normal. When I talked to other women about them, even some pick-mes were appalled, lol. It took me an embarrassingly long time to realize that the healthy level of relationship conflict is actually pretty low, and the things you should bother with should be few (if any). I know that standards are personal, but I'm always interested in hearing about them and strengthening my own boundaries in the process. I've already made a similar post in the past but that was more about the initial dating stage. I like to know what daily relationship life is like for FDS queens. To name a few things I am okay with even though they're not ideal: - BF is pretty spontaneous and not a huge planner. He will make plans when it's important to someone else, but things that only concern him, he will decide on a fairly short notice (I'm talking about daily life stuff and not long-term commitments, btw). It's not my problem, but sometimes I can get a little secondhand anxiety because I very much like to plan everything, lol.
- His financial situation is not as good as it could be considering he has a well-paying job, because he still pays his ex-wife generously. She hasn't been able to support herself for the longest time (due to mental health) and he always gave her more than he is legally required to. He is overall a very generous person, paying for dates, getting gifts for my family and all that, but bigger spends upwards of 100 bucks or so just haven't been possible that often. This will ease up around the end of February since she has a better grip on her finances now. I admire that he honored his commitment to her and wanted her to be able to have a good life, but it has been a strain on him and of course I want us to be able to go on nice trips etc. I admit he should have sorted this out before getting involved with me. To be fair he frequently told me he would understand if that was too much baggage for me, and it was my decision to proceed anyway since I knew it wouldn't last forever, and he is well-off otherwise (also owns property). I have still learned the valuable lesson from FDS that we need a financially secure man.
- He has been a smoker, which would have been a dealbreaker for me, but he was very sincere about wanting to quit even before we got romantically involved. I wanted to see whether he would follow through, and he did, without any pressure from me. Still I know that there's always the possibility of relapse.
- The general fact that most men just don't really know what a woman goes through in her life, and that you will always have to "educate" them a bit about that. My partner has been a very good listener and always takes me 100% seriously, but sometimes it does get tiring to go over all the misogyny again. Other women just get it without explaining, you don't get that luxury with a man.
These are examples of what I personally think is fine to tolerate as long as it doesn't make my own life harder and requires nothing more than some gentle understanding some of the time. We don't fight, there's no drama. Also my big requirement is that I can see him working on his issues and improving without any of my input. We do talk about that stuff, sure, but he doesn't need me to hand-hold him through everything. The value he provides for my life far outweighs the fact that he has some stuff to deal with, but if the balance ever shifts -- we all know what comes next.
None. I’m fed up with men’s bullshit. I give one warning to stop and never do it again. If he pisses me off the second time I walk.
Yeah, it was wild to me that there don't need to be "fights" in a relationship. Also wild that every time we have a serious talk (like about me moving, for example) it ends with everyone being happy with the solution reached and not me crying.
I think this is a really useful topic though.
I put up with:
- similar to you, he used to smoke (he grew up in a place where everyone smoked). He switched to vaping before he met me, and has been weaning himself off that of his own accord. I'd obviously rather he didn't, but there's no smell or anything I have to put up with.
- he's super busy. he owns 2 businesses, does like 5 charity things, and has joint custody of his kid. So sometimes he's late, sometimes plans need to change. I deal with this because (1) he always communicates with me about it as promptly as possible, (2) he doesn't expect me to clear my schedule to make sure I'm free when he happens to be, (3) he does clearly make me a priority, I'm just okay with not being his only priority, and (4) he ended up this busy because he's hardworking, ambitious, and generous/pro-social, and those are things I would not want to change about him.
Basically none that would have been a dealbreaker while I was getting to know them or in the dating phase.
I don't really know how to phrase this, but "flaws" I will tolerate in a relationship are the same things I would consider tolerable (and not dealbreakers/red flags) while we were still dating... so I don't really consider them bad flaws but tolerable quirks. My standards don't change after commitment.
A few (maybe bad) examples:
- I don't really need a man to have perfect muscles or a chiselled six pack to find him attractive as long as he's not visibly over- or underweight, stays reasonably fit and healthy for his age and is well groomed and well dressed. So if my long-term partner loses his perfect six pack as we both age that's fine (as long as he doesn't reach "balding and beer belly" territory).
- I'm really invested in my career and sometimes prioritize it and e.g. don't reply to text messages right away or am distracted if I am in the middle of an important project. It's fine to me if a partner does the same, because supporting, respecting and understanding each others commitments and careers is important to me.
- I would be fine with certain quirks or needs non-neurotypical and disabled men have because I am on the spectrum myself and can relate. Not everything is compatible with "my kind of crazy", though. Some illnesses, disabilities etc. are dealbreakers to me, others are not.
For me it is less about tolerating flaws, and more about accepting the lack of characteristics that are not as valuable to me. For instance, I am a high earner and financially comfortable, so a man with money is not very valuable to me. I want a man who is reliable, punctual, loves pleasing me, kind, energetic, has a warm family, well educated, solid career, physically fit, affectionate, emotionally intelligent, lives to make me happy, etc etc. So the fact that a man is not a high earner or independently wealthy is acceptable to me. To many women, it’s not, and good for them.
One more concrete one is that I never expected to date a divorced man, as I’m in my 20s. But I met a man who married and divorced young. That is something I tolerate. I see how he has built resilience and maturity, and also his divorce is why I found a HVM who was single. Sometimes circumstances happen that we didn’t anticipate, and we are able to revise our prior expectations to welcome something positive and of value.
Thank you for this post! I was thinking about making one like this myself. Women have been taught that "okay" flaws are everything from gambling to beatings. Alll humans have flaws, it's about time we start discussing the non-patriarchy okayed ones
The red flag I see here is that his money goes to his ex, and a man is emotionally invested where his money goes. Just don't lump your finances in with his whatever you do. You don't need to be paying for an ex wife of his, and mental patients are never cured, so I guess he's gonna pay her forever?
No problem of course if you don't want to answer further but a few questions about the situation with the ex wife.
Why is he giving money to ex wife? How long were they married, how long have they been separated - do they have kids?
He doesn't like the beach when I love the beach and has never read Harry Potter so he doesn't get a lot of my hp references but I'm able to overlook it because I truly do love him.