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Hello Queens! It's summertime so I think this is a convenient time to remind myself and everyone else about this important FDS principle (Chapter 21, page 64 in the handbook):
HAVING A CRUSH IS USELESS AND IT HAS ZERO BENEFITS.
I couldn't believe my eyes when I first read this header in the handbook. What do you mean that you can't have crushes?? It's just human! This is insane and cruel! I can't deep freeze my emotions like that! What am I supposed to be, a heartless robot?! Surely this can't apply to me, right? I can have crushes! What's the harm? It's just little innocent fun, a pep in your step, something bubbly to cheer you up!
Here's the deal: if you are like me and feel emotions very intensely (hello ADHD!), you can't have little innocent crushes. You just can't, it's not possible. Those "little crushes" morph into a full blown, all consuming limerent obsessions that hijack your whole life. You give that bubbly little feeling a finger and whoops, there goes your whole arm. And when you are consumed by this intense entity of a feeling, you can't vet. You ignore red flags and your own gut feelings, you make excuses for him and find yourself explaining his bad behaviour for the better. You can't observe the man objectively when you're crushing hard. Delulu is not the solulu.
So, what can you do about this? How to nip it in the bud? After going through TWO of those intense crushes in six months time I realized that whenever I notice myself getting interested in someone, I need to immediately do the following things: 1) Start reading the handbook and He's Just Not That Into You again (love that book btw, you can download the pdf for free!) to get a reality check 2) Stop daydreaming about the guy, or even better: not even start it. Because that's what got me into this rotten mess in the first place.
It took me 36 freaking years to realize that men are NOT some magical unicorns with glittering stardust, they are just human like the rest of us. Guard your heart and stay QUEEN!
Oh... so that's why the few crushes I ever had growing up were limerent. I realized young that being "boy crazy" was stupid, but my friends always claimed to not be able to help it which I never understood. I realized crushes hijacked my life and were not based on any real relationship potential with the person and often, in fact, quite the opposite. I clocked the negative influence and cast my interest in developing a crush aside. Once I put stronger vetting glasses on when looking at people crushes stopped happening because I realized it was a my brain's way of writing fanfiction about the person. I finally got referred for ADHD testing in my 30s, so I suspect revelations like this signify the beginning of another long, personal journey.
When I first discovered this movie, let alone the book, I was right in the middle of a summer hurt locker crush with no potential but I was fully invested because I didn't clock the no potential until too late. I got the movie for free on dvd from a pawn shop while I was there on a rainy day shopping for something else because the cashier was like "it's a rainy day watch something grab a movie" and I watched this fucking movie almost every day for the entire summer until my brain internalized the point. It's a product of its time now for sure but has some timeless wisdom.
Don't stop daydreaming. Stop daydreaming about men. Your imagination can do wonders for you if you channel it into pursuits that benefit you, but this is really hard for me to conceptualize and stick to. In hindsight, likely having adhd seems obvious to me so hopefully diagnosis brings me closer to my brain being a more user friendly place! My parents always told me I was a dreamer with my head in the clouds so figuring out how I can make as many dreams reality as possible is my #1 life pursuit! Many people don't have as vivid an internal world or vision so use that creative imagination for good!
I'm rooting for you sis! I'm close to your age and resonate with a lot of what you write. Fuck them crushes (not literally) and stay strong 👑💖
Good reminder, queen. Whatever decreases our clarity of thinking is a threat to our well-being. Infatuation is just another way for us to distract ourselves from the pain of our existence, until it becomes another obvious cause of suffering. I have experienced the crushed brain phases (full name of the crush phenomenon, ain't it?) and nothing good came out of it. Now I understand it's either potentially dangerous or a pure waste of energy and possibly money, when it comes to celebs. I believe I am cured at this point, but at the same time I believe some people are able to quickly sense that someone is their person and strong feelings can come with it. It's ok to find a man handsome and to appreciate something about him, but silly projections and premature excitement/attachment need to go.
I'm currently fighting a crush into it first stage. I believe I'm just so bored at the office that I fixated into the less ugly colleague. He is the only one that isn't bald yet.
As a woman with ADHD: this is straight fax no printer. Every little crush with blow into full scale debraining delulu monster that will have dire consequences. I destroy all of the warm feelings about men the second i notice I have them.
this post is a blessing. just today i've noticed some guy in the office and i was wondering what it would be like to make out with him. and i'm out of the 'dating market', like wtf?? i needed this. thank you, sister!
crushes are very addictive because of the dopamine they make the brain release. the anticipation of a possible connection is enough to trigger that. and the daydreaming and fantasizing also do that. we end up stuck in an imaginary relationship with an imaginary person who looks like a real person.
Crushes are pointless, but I'm not sure they can be helped because we can't necessarily turn off our attractions.
There is someone in my church who I consider attractive (which is basically NEVER EVER) but he's married, and I think he caught me "look" at him when I first made eye contact with him, and ever since, I've been embarrassed and kind of hope that I don't run into him, directly, again. I would feel so embarrassed, because I think he caught the reason for why I looked at him that way. I don't think it's an actual crush though, on my part. I think there's a decent probability that I don't have to run into him most of the time (he's usually upstairs in the choir loft, either playing the organ or directing the choir), but heaven forbid I do and I make the slightest eye contact with him, should I immediately divert my eyes downward or something? (I feel stupid asking this)
what should a girl do if she believes a man is the one but it's not moving into a relationship?