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I've been thinking about this lately and how weird it is that the collective dating advice or expectation is that you'll have sex with someone between dates 2-6 but not actually talk about any sort of commitment for WAY WAY longer.
Like if you go onto any dating/relationship subreddit and just search DTR (define the relationship) or exclusivity, you'll see so many posts go something like this:
OP: I've been dating someone for 1-2 months/4-8 dates/whatever, is it too soon to DTR?
Reddit: Woah slow down! You're strangers. No one will commit to you after only a handful of dates. You should wait 6+ months to bring this up. You barely know them after only a few dates. They're going to be seeing other people still. You'll scare them off. You sound desperate/clingy. Have you even had sex with them yet? You need to have sex before commitment can happen. You can ask for sexual exclusivity though (????).
Like they directly admit that DTR - not even actually having the boyfriend/girlfriend talk, just the wishy-washy exclusivity one - is too serious too fast but doing the most intimate thing you can do with another human is fine to do within practically just meeting them? Huh???
You could be dating a scrote for 6+ months and still get hit with "I don't think I'm ready for a girlfriend right now" because he was happy to string you along.
Now we all know Reddit is not the arbiter of relationship advice. But so many young people use it and if bad opinions are the only ones they see, well it's no wonder modern dating norms got where they are so quickly...
In the "old days" of the 80s and 90s, you went steady with, or became his girlfriend BEFORE sex. Months before sex. My first boyfriend and I waited 6 months of being BF and GF to have sex. It's insane to give your precious body to a man in the hopes he's gonna choose you. He's supposed to choose you first and prove he deserves you before you let him touch you.
Reddit's userbase is mostly men. Therefore they give advice that benefits men.
I always hear about the three date rule! How likely is it to meet a guy three times and feel really comfortable enough to have sex? It creates this awkward pressure when you're dating a guy as well because he can come across like he's expecting you to have sex with him just because it's your third evening together.
The term “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” is meaningless and just a promise. So why do guys have such a hard time committing to being boyfriend and girlfriend???
I consider myself single until married or engaged. Does this mean I will cheat on my boyfriend? No. But I also have limits with a boyfriend that I won’t have with a husband. For example: my womb. I will NOT have a kid outside of marriage. Another example is finances: I will not share finances before marriage. I don’t want to have intercourse before marriage because of the pregnancy risks involved.
Boyfriend and girlfriend is NOT a legally binding term. You can walk out tomorrow and pretend the whole relationship didn't happen with no legal or financial consequences. If someone else catches your eye, just break up and don't cheat.
I will never understand why certain men have terror at the terms "relationship" "boyfriend" or "girlfriend". It's such a minimal amount of commitment.
Thank you for posting this. It's something I've thought a lot about and find pretty triggering because it's cultural gaslighting. As a collective their primary motivation in life is access to sex and they control the narrative. Men get away with not taking ownership of their lives and dumping the responsibility of sussing out what his intentions are on women under the cover of plausible deniability. Every single "type" of guy will do this, even seemingly "good guys". They know that if they said, "I don't see a future with you but I'd like to have consequence-free sex with you until something I find better comes along" not many women would be thrilled about that. It's socially acceptable sexual cohercion. So as far as I'm concerned, if a dude can't articulate and prove through actions his intent, no sex should be happening even if as a woman you want to keep it casual/NSA.
I never understood how people can have sex with strangers or acquaintances, even hot ones. I've lusted after quite a number of men in my life but I could never imagine actually getting intimate with them because I knew next to nothing about them I could use to assess whether they would actually be a good (and safe!) lover. I've had enough regrettable sexual experiences as is (and those were in committed relationships). Even one is one too many lol but we live and we learn. So commitment definitely comes first, and even then the sexual vetting continues. With my last ex I waited over a year for intercourse, with my current partner I'm not even there yet a year in (granted, PIV doesn't do much for me so at this point it's more about doing what I prefer vs. holding back for vetting reasons).
Thank you for being as confused as me because I have loooooong be been boggled by this dynamic that now exists in the dating world. Sex is the most physically intimate act you can have with someone but yet it's somehow a bIG dEaL to ask a man for exclusivity. Of course, the minute a woman is wondering what she is to a man and if they'll become a couple, the answer is already clear - it's a no. Women who have sex first and want commitment afterwards are playing themselves backwards because if anything, it should be that you become a man's partner before you sleep with him. I personally feel that women should keep sex off the table for as long as possible because many men will make a woman their girlfriend just to get sex and then pull the "I'm not really ready for anything serious" card afterwards. This is why it was advised, back in the past, for sex to come after marriage because there is no man, in today's world, that will marry a woman just to be able to sleep with her. Any man in his right mind would not want to go through an expensive divorce on the grounds of his wife leaving him for deceiving her or him wanting to leave because he got what he wanted.
Like the whole "sex comes after the third date" thing - where did that come from? Who created such an insane rule? I've found it very insulting that there is an expectation that women should sleep with men after the third date and women play into it by getting nervous about sleeping with a man once the third date is on the horizon. Last time I checked, women are the holders of sex while men are the holders of commitment so as women, we control whether sex happens or not, not men.
Lastly, it's abysmal how many steps there are to becoming a couple. In the past, if a man and woman kissed, they were a couple. If they had sex, they were a couple. Now a woman can sleep with, cook for and clean for a guy...........but yet, be wondering what she is to him. There are so many stages before a man will make a woman his girlfriend. If we want to be frank, many women have played a major role in this; liberal feminists to be exact. Absolutely no woman should feel that she has to audition for a man, with the hope that he will pick her. By now, it should be obvious that the more you do for a man, especially without a commitment, the less he'll like you, respect you or want to commit to you.
To finish off, yes, it's very hypocritical for people to say that a woman that is intimate with a man that is not her boyfriend and therefore, a stranger, is fine and even expected but somehow it's completely absurd for her to want to define the relationship with said man. Someone should make it make sense.
100% agree!!!
sex is sacred because my body and pleasure are sacred too. people MOCK ME for thinking sex shouldn't happen so fast. "oooooh my gooood you think sex is sacred??????? WHAT?? noooo!!! why would you think that??? it's just an animalistic act to be enjoyed! you're such a conservative EW!"
drives me crazy. so i can't value my time, energy, body, mind and pleasure? i have to be "fReE" to have bad, horrible sex with anyone? no thanks! been there, done that, not worth it at all. just added more traumas to my list.
They think we should subject ourselves to the risk of pregancy (it costs 150000+ to raise a child) for a coffee and a few dates. Talk about gold diggers. This is pure insanity
I'm personally more inclined to have sex before I am to commit to exclusivity or definition. A guy has to be really special for me to dedicate the emotional bandwidth, the opportunity cost, and everything else that comes with being a girlfriend. On the other hand, a guy really just needs to be hot, charming and fun, but also make me feel safe and comfortable for me to have sex. Sometimes I just want good dick from a hot guy.