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Had a male friend (🚩) for several years. I moved to another state. We were still in contact over the past years, shared some hobbies.
I casually told him about my abusive exes over the last years.
He suddenly held it against me. He called me names. He blew up out of nothing over a text message (because I made a stupid joke about him). He made me feel bad because I picked the wrong guys, made fun of it and blamed me. I was devastated.
But to be honest, he has been passive aggressiv (🚩) before. I overlooked it. Tried to WorK iT OuT.
FDS was right: Never ever tell them about your abusive exes. They will use it against you. And blocked them by the first red flag.
He is blocked and deleted now.
Thank you for reading.
I lie and tell them my exes treated me exceptionally well if it does come up. Wow most guys watch porn? My exes and guy friends never watched porn. My exes took me on trips and bought me great presents. Why am I sitting in the car? Oh I expected you to open my door for me all guys do. All the men I know go to the gym and eat super healthy. Reverse uno triangulation. 😏
Absolutely stupid that he had that kind of aggressive reaction to you opening up, and I do think his reaction is the norm. I do hope HVM handle our past hurts better.. but I do still think I'd keep details very vague even with HVM.
A HVM friend will never do this to you. My HVM friend witnessed my separation and divorce with my ex. It was brutal and he supported me all the way and always gave me advice on what to say during communication and to always remain calm and respond like a lawyer in all my interactions and remove emotions out of it in case I need to support my case later on. It’s been over 3 years now and he is been consistent and supportive without disrespecting me in any way. He is acting like the older brother and father I never had.
A man did that to me a few months ago. All I could think too was that FDS was right.
When you tell a guy that another man treated you badly, raped you, or anything negative, he automatically decides you deserved that treatment and is angry because he didn't get to treat you badly, too. Do not tell men ANYTHING bad about you EVER. They have NO empathy. Testosterone literally down regulates empathy. They are incapable of love, and they will only care for you if you demand it.
It's disgusting how many men will use a history of a woman's trauma/abuse as a way to discredit, devalue, or denigrate her (instead of, um,, the man who hurt her)? I'm sorry that happened to you. Block and delete friends who are remotely supportive of an abuser (including blaming you or being "neutral")
It's crazy how a man will defend a man he has never ever met over a woman right in front of him who he has known for several years 🙄 Men trusting men over women again
A couple of years ago I "lost" (good riddance) a male friend of 10 years. I hate to admit it but he was an online only friend I had met playing a game. He began saying some things that really bothered me and I told him. It was something minor but he blew up at me and threw the entire Hell I had been going through with my ex in my face. Saying things like, "I can't believe I supported you", and what a shitty person he thought I was.
Looking back, it was definitely for the best. He was one of those types who is always being victimized and needed sympathy. In reality he was emotionally unstable and refused to take responsibility for himself, in every area of his life. He lived with his mom and maybe had one job for a few years the entire time I've known him, but would constantly bitch and whine about his family and how they mistreat him. Everyone in his life mistreated him, according to him. Since I never met him in IRL I didn't really know what his life was actually like; from everything I've learned however, men like this are always the author of their own misery.
Anyway, this incident (among many others) reaffirms to me the truth of what is said here - don't share your trauma with men. I feel like I was such an idiot for letting sympathy get in the way of the reality of what a man is actually like and how it shows up in his behavior. I've grown a lot since then at least, and I am now repulsed by this type of sympathy-sucking covert narcissist.