I feel like no matter how much we vet, it is never enough to stop ending up with scrotes.
How can we "vet away" the type of men "shapeshift" so quickly? Especially after being locked down in a relationship/getting married?
38 answers0 replies
Comments (38)
Unknown member
Nov 03
i think men cannot be trusted no matter how much you vet. here at fds we say "vet for life" because that1s what you need to do. you vet for life and leave at the first red flag, which means you need an escape plan if it ever comes to that.
honestly, i can't bother to live a life where i can't trust a partner and be vulnerable because my safety depends on his decision to not hurt me. men already have too much power and i don't want to give them even more power over my life.
Never give up your house (and if you must due to rent, buy a house with that scrote where you're on the deed and/or sign a contract stating that he's the one leaving if you break up/divorce), absolutely keep your finances seperate, only putting money aside on a joint account for rent/groceries/the kids. Never stop working fulltime, and SAVE SAVE SAVE. Kids can survive daycare, but they'll be traumatised for life if dad beats mom but she can't leave.
Yes!!! Even when you get married, you can't actually combine your life with a man's. The only way to avoid getting burned is having your own EVERYTHING. Keep it secret from him, too. Don't tell him how much money you have saved or which assets you have accrued. Have a sneaky side hustle if you can. Hell, even keep your friends and family separate from him. Don't let him talk to the women in your life. A lot of men will try to create a rift there.
Edited
Unknown member
Nov 03
I think the answer is not to fall prey to sunk cost fallacy. The beating starts, the cheating starts, you got to leave. It doesn't get better or is a one off thing.
Scrotes change at any time, so just always have your back ups and bug out bag fully lined up at all times. They will do it during dating, engagement, or 50 years into a marriage.
Like women who fall ill with cancer after many years of marriage... boom, scrote leaves. You just have to be ready for anything at any time with scrotedom.
Unfortunately, that is the state of things; you can never be too prepared to walk away.
That being said read up on any and all red flags of awful men.
The truth is, most NV men give themselves fully away in their first few sentences to you or very early on in general. I mean VERY early on. However, if you don't know what to look for, it will get right past you. Knowledge of red flags is essential and even further, acting on them immediately is necessary.
Even if you don't know red flags very well, your gut usually tells you something is off. This is the point where women regret not having walked away earlier or that one specific "moment" they knew things were not right, but they carried forward with it all anyway.
We are desensitized over time with our gut instincts, but all the scrotes you knew - your gut told you something early on. It's 1,000% in our favor to listen to that every single time. "You can never be too careful" is a popular saying for reason, especially when it comes to men who get off on screwing us over, cheating on, killing, raping, and beating us.
On the flipside, not being careful enough will land you in hot water every time. So your best odds are to aggressively act on gut instincts, red flags, boundary crosses, and any other bullshit you see arise, no matter how long the relationship has been going.
Never be a pushover, never give benefit of the doubt, never fall into sunk cost fallacy, never get desparate, and absolutely never let someone cross your boundaries.
But I mean outside of apps, outside of Reddit, and OFF the internet.
These are flashes that come across their face when they've hurt somebody, lied to them, confused them, etc.
They physically like seeing people hurt whether emotionally or physically.... and bonus points if it was him/her that caused it. They are addicted to abusing, so seeing things like this actually give an innate reaction like a heroine addict getting a fix. It makes them elated to see others hurt.
Narcs and abusers in general make us addicted to their abuse as well. So the longer we go through their abusive cycles over and over, the more addicted we become to them hurting us. Like a heroin addict as well, but our vice is getting abused.
Eventually it becomes the perfect dance. They are addicted to abusing us and we are addicted to being abused. That's why it is hard as hell to leave these relationships. Abused women are addicts for abuse, which is created by the brainwashing and cycles of abuse from their Narc/abuser.
Even dogs do not leave an open cage once they have been shocked and abused enough.
It's all about eroding our gut instincts and spinning us through those cycles till we are addicted and become the perfect malleable puppet for being abused.
Yup, it's all interlaced in Dark Tetrad and Cluster B personalities.
As in: don't just look for red flags and information about Narcs as they always overlap and interlace with the other Cluster B personalities. They will also always have sociopathic and psychopathic tendencies as well, so only knowing about Narcs won't be enough to keep you safe from these types.
Same with the dark tetrad, it all (Narcissism is a part of it) overlaps with sadistic tendencies and Machiavelinism, etc. Its very rare or maybe fully impossible that there is no overlap between Narcissism and other things.
Knowing the red flags of alllllll of it is crucial to avoid others in the future.
I didn't date for like 3 years until I learned all of this stuff. I mean really learned it. That's how badly a Narc burned my ass... thriving now, but Jesus they do a number on you and I never want to go through it again, and I won't, but I really needed a lot of time to learn about these types, how I was duped, get my boundaries strong, get my knowledge of red flags on point, etc etc. All of those things, I mean TRUE healing takes time.
The truth is, you can’t vet enough. The only people we can control are ourselves and if a man chooses to abuse a woman, but only chooses to do so when he has her trapped, there’s truly nothing the woman can do. Until we can see into the future to see that a man will be abusive or read minds to uncover that a man is a secret sociopath, we can never truly know if we are with a good man or an evil one.
The good news is no man is perfect. These men will slip up in one way or another which is why we ladies have to be on the lookout for red flags all the time. Is it tiring? Absolutely, which is why you’re best bet, honestly, is to stay away from men. That’s the deep, dark honest truth. Men are too high a risk to invest in. Any woman who chooses to date or marry man must have her wits about her at all times. Involving yourself as a woman, with a man, is one of the most dangerous things you’ll ever do.
There's no guarantees in life, period. This is the pragmatic approach to everything and you can't live in fear of making mistakes because we all will make them. Make the best decision you can with the knowledge you have, and if it turns out to be a bad one, you can always make a new one.
All you can do is prepare for the worst which is easier said that done. But fearing what may be is wasted energy.
And how do you fix being dumb? By learning and applying knowledge. What you are describing is living unconsciously, on auto pilot, allowing disrespect you just so they can "love" you, which news flash, is never love.
If you don't consciously love yourself above all men and especially one you didn't birth, then you will choose to betray yourself when they are abusive instead of choosing to honor and respect yourself. Theres a million excuses for why people fuck up but the truth is when you know better, you can do better. Yeah it may hurt but life goes on & it hurts way more to be abused especially knowing you betrayed yourself by allowing it.
Whats with all the defeatism on this forum lately? Like are you really on a dating strategy website just to hate on & fear men? Might feel cathartic at first but theres literally no way hate/fear and happiness can coexist so what do you want for yourself? The chances of you finding genuine "love" from a man while harboring these feelings is about as
productive as driving with the parking brake on.
Unknown member
5d
Replying to
>Like are you really on a dating strategy website just to hate on & fear men?
the fact that i don't trust men enough to date them isn't hateful. the 'defeatism' is a result of trauma caused by them.
i'm not here for the dating strategy, i'm here to learn about leveling up, to be part of an exclusively female community online and to share. and to warn women about the dangers of dating - because dating is dangerous for us, unfortunately.
I feel like I'd wait at least 3 years to start talking marriage/ buying a house/kids. Most narcs I know showed their true character about 1,5- 2 years in.
Oh I don't mean we don't talk about it sooner. But only after that time will I trust a scrote enough to consider it.
Unknown member
Nov 05
Replying to
I agree. Scrotes will show their scrote colors much earlier than 1.5 years in.
I would argue that a woman who realizes a man is a scrote after 1.5-2 years was ignoring/denying the red flags from day one. Sometimes literally day one.
i think men cannot be trusted no matter how much you vet. here at fds we say "vet for life" because that1s what you need to do. you vet for life and leave at the first red flag, which means you need an escape plan if it ever comes to that.
honestly, i can't bother to live a life where i can't trust a partner and be vulnerable because my safety depends on his decision to not hurt me. men already have too much power and i don't want to give them even more power over my life.
I think the answer is not to fall prey to sunk cost fallacy. The beating starts, the cheating starts, you got to leave. It doesn't get better or is a one off thing.
Scrotes change at any time, so just always have your back ups and bug out bag fully lined up at all times. They will do it during dating, engagement, or 50 years into a marriage.
Like women who fall ill with cancer after many years of marriage... boom, scrote leaves. You just have to be ready for anything at any time with scrotedom.
Unfortunately, that is the state of things; you can never be too prepared to walk away.
That being said read up on any and all red flags of awful men.
The truth is, most NV men give themselves fully away in their first few sentences to you or very early on in general. I mean VERY early on. However, if you don't know what to look for, it will get right past you. Knowledge of red flags is essential and even further, acting on them immediately is necessary.
Even if you don't know red flags very well, your gut usually tells you something is off. This is the point where women regret not having walked away earlier or that one specific "moment" they knew things were not right, but they carried forward with it all anyway.
We are desensitized over time with our gut instincts, but all the scrotes you knew - your gut told you something early on. It's 1,000% in our favor to listen to that every single time. "You can never be too careful" is a popular saying for reason, especially when it comes to men who get off on screwing us over, cheating on, killing, raping, and beating us.
On the flipside, not being careful enough will land you in hot water every time. So your best odds are to aggressively act on gut instincts, red flags, boundary crosses, and any other bullshit you see arise, no matter how long the relationship has been going.
Never be a pushover, never give benefit of the doubt, never fall into sunk cost fallacy, never get desparate, and absolutely never let someone cross your boundaries.
The truth is, you can’t vet enough. The only people we can control are ourselves and if a man chooses to abuse a woman, but only chooses to do so when he has her trapped, there’s truly nothing the woman can do. Until we can see into the future to see that a man will be abusive or read minds to uncover that a man is a secret sociopath, we can never truly know if we are with a good man or an evil one.
The good news is no man is perfect. These men will slip up in one way or another which is why we ladies have to be on the lookout for red flags all the time. Is it tiring? Absolutely, which is why you’re best bet, honestly, is to stay away from men. That’s the deep, dark honest truth. Men are too high a risk to invest in. Any woman who chooses to date or marry man must have her wits about her at all times. Involving yourself as a woman, with a man, is one of the most dangerous things you’ll ever do.
Pok, I fucking dare you to comment. Comment under your post. Do it
Moid.
There's no guarantees in life, period. This is the pragmatic approach to everything and you can't live in fear of making mistakes because we all will make them. Make the best decision you can with the knowledge you have, and if it turns out to be a bad one, you can always make a new one.
All you can do is prepare for the worst which is easier said that done. But fearing what may be is wasted energy.
I feel like I'd wait at least 3 years to start talking marriage/ buying a house/kids. Most narcs I know showed their true character about 1,5- 2 years in.