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I've heard a number of stories of men claiming that the minute they met a woman, they knew she was The One for them. Some men claim that they knew after the first conversation or a few minutes into meeting and talking with the woman. Some even claim that the once they laid eyes on her, they just knew. Some that say that they felt this way are still married while some of them are divorced.
I find it the whole thing hard to believe just like I find "love at first sight" to be silly because how can you possibly feel so strongly for a person you've just met and don't know well? At most, the man can be very attracted to the woman physically but to be in love with her or to see her as his future wife right off the bat is disingenuous to me. There is no way you can feel love for someone you don't know. Seeing as men can't be trusted in a lot of ways, I've long felt that this is another way they lovebomb women.
I wanted to find out what you ladies think about this claim that a lot of men make. Is this true or false, in your opinion?
There’s no such thing as “the one”. Men are socialised to have standards and boundaries without having to justify themselves. So when he meets a woman whose values align with his own and he finds her attractive according to his personal standards, he will move mountains to grow and build a life together.
When my husband and I first met, we were both in committed relationships with other people. I just put him on my “shelf of people I’d date if we were ever single at the same time” and I assume he felt the same way. Several years later we crossed paths again and got together. So I guess I’m saying that I don’t believe in “the one”. A healthy relationship is one where both parties continually choose each other, over and over, and make an effort to take care of one another.
It’s a lie. It’s the men framing their behaviour and choices with rose colored glasses on. When a man says “love at first sight” or “the one” what he really means is he met a woman who was not only more attractive (*cough* thin) than the previous women he pulled, but a) she liked him back, b) she didn’t dress or act trashy or sl*tty, c) she wasn‘t lower class, and d) she’s kind. That’s not love, that’s a vetting checklist for wife material. Men have standards too.
This is a narrative that has a lot of credibility here on FDS lately, but I think it's just love bombing. I've been told this by a couple of men (emphasis on knowing "right away" I was "bla bla bla") and still didn't stop them from cheating or being absolute dicks or plateally abandoning me. Maybe there's a grain of truth to it, in the sense that men usually have a woman they want "for real" and a woman they need "for convenience" and the 2 don't necessarily overlaps (the proximity rule is a much more reliable analysis imo). Or in that HV men are clear about what they want so are better at recognizing it.. But I don't believe in some notion of "all men KNOW MYSTICALLY RIGHT AWAY", that seems very Disney like to me and a convenient lie to make you feel special. Or maybe they really felt that way in the moment because they have the emotional maturity of kindergardeners..But it doesn't necessarily mean anything if it comes from a low value man, just that you have a loser who's very into a projected version of you.
Honestly, I figure that (in men who aren’t already married) it’s partially that they’ve specifically decided that it’s time to settle down and they’re thinking about getting married, and they meet a woman and decide she’ll be great (because most women are). I bet there are plenty of guys who think “wow, I’m going to marry her” and then realize they have different goals and just don’t mention thinking that, and I bet there are some people being a little bit fanciful and replacing “I was attracted to her and enjoyed talking to her” with “love at first sight” With the guys already married, I honestly think that’s just pushing responsibility off themselves. “It was just meant to be!” is a pretty convenient explanation.
I don’t know about “the one”
but I think most men know very early on if the woman they are dating is who they are going to marry. They might think after a few dates that he will marry her one day. a good guy isn’t going to tell her this but he’ll keep it to himself. Im friends with one couple and they are the healthiest couple that I know. The husband worships his wife and he loves her so much. They’ve been together 10 years now and he mentioned once that he knew he was going to marry her after knowing her a few weeks. He didn’t tell her this, he just kept it to himself and then proposed to her after 2 years of dating. So yes, I think most men know their intentions early on.
These stories sound cute, but they're also full of hindsight bias. Yes, I do feel men make a very quick decision of whether they want to pursue you or not (and I think women also know right from the start whether someone is a potential partner or not), but there's no such thing as knowing you have met "The One" at first sight. Only someone you feel might become The One IF you put in enough love, time and effort. But at that early point it's all projection, attraction and previous attachment patterns at play. Which is not necessarily bad, that's how we develop initial interest. But it can only grow into something truly deep if you do the work.
I like this discussion and everyone’s responses! I have always thought that a man does know pretty quickly.
I’ve had men circle back to me years later after disappearing or breaking it off or simply not taking the next step toward a relationship, and I have always rejected them when they come back because my belief is that they found someone else they wanted more and it didn’t work out, and I don’t want to be who they settled for. I want to be their first choice and I do want to be “the one“ for them. but maybe that was a naive belief for me to have. Or maybe my idea I’ve always had of “the one” is something a little too idealistic or immature.
Men know exactly what they're gonna do to you right from the start. My husband was staring at me on a DC-10 airplane from LAX to Osaka. Apparently, he'd been watching me in the airport trying to figure out if I was a wife of a soldier or a soldier, myself. Then we ended up at the same post, and I caught him writing his mother an email saying he'd met "the one." And we hadn't even kissed. I thought he was crazy, and he was. He didn't even like me as a human being, but he married me and then discovered that he didn't like me. This is why there are so many divorces. Men are not logical at all. They have some idea in their head of the girl they want to marry, and Boom! You're it....until you're not. So you gotta make sure that he actually likes you as a human being and that you're not some sort of trophy mule to him, and that's hard to do. This is why marriages were arranged in the past. Neither sex can pick the right person for themselves. I don't know if they're just blinded by lust or if it's a more sinister spiritual thing where an abuser knows who he can abuse immediately. I tend to think it's both.
I believe that some men feel this way when they first meet the woman who later becomes his wife. I also believe that sometimes men feel the same exact way about women who dont become their wives, or who they dont even have a relationship with. But we never hear those stories, right? No one is ever like "the moment I saw her I knew we were soul mates. I tried to talk to her but she wasnt really into it. Then she said she needed to use the bathroom and I never saw her again." We only ever hear "love at first sight" stories that end in marriage. So our perception is skewed.