Disgust at the idea of phone/video chats

Videochatting before dates has changed my dating experience for the better.

I usually keep it to under 30min. I've cut it short with men who interrupt me when speaking, mansplain, look unkept, dirty backgrounds, look heavier than their pictures, etc. Also I usually ask the guy to clarify his profession. I've had 'entrepreneurs' turn out to be broke students with a startup idea. I was SO GLAD I didn't actually meet up. Also if he doesn't make me laugh once in 30 minutes, he's out.

After being repeatedly 50/50'd, I now ask their views on how finances should be handled in a relationship in the videochat itself.

If I decide to go on a date, I see how much of the videochat he remembers and judge on that.

Conceptually, the benefit is that you don’t need to put yourself physically at risk by vetting a guy over a phone call/video chat. There is no way he can give you unwanted hugs, kisses, hand on your waist, etc. And the second he shows himself to be below your standards (including something sexually inappropriate, god forbid), you can hang up and be home safe. However, I personally don’t care for it. I feel like there is some unwanted intimacy to a phone conversation, and I can’t get a full picture of his personality and manners. Also, he doesn’t have to research and plan a date, he just has to sit on his couch in sweatpants and chat. So I suppose it comes down to personal preference. If you feel unsafe meeting a man in person before having any kind of spoken conversation, or you like to avoid wasting time on lots of bad in-person first dates, then have a screening call. If you feel uncomfortable with the intimacy of a call before meeting in a public place, or you want him to put in more effort up front, then do a dinner date. Either is reasonable and valid.

Personally, I like the added step in vetting before meeting in person. In our digital age, I've noticed that the majority people have let their social skills fall by the wayside, this includes etiquette, conversation skills, and cadence. I don't want to feel like I am babysitting a socially inept person who is not at all what they advertised.

For me personally, when I used OLD, I always wanted to do a video call first because the benefits out-weigh the downsides.

I find it so incredibly awkward to meet people without having heard or seen them before. It's hard to reconcile static photos with how someone sounds or moves, y'know? Also every single man I've ever met from online looks different than how I expect, it's like a jumpscare, lol. (Women always look exactly the same or even more gorgeous! Who are the real catfish??)

But besides that it:

- lets me see if he actually looks like his photos

- lets me hear how he speaks, what kind of conversationalist he is, etc

- lets me suss out on a basic level if we're compatible

etc etc

If a scrote is creepy or depraved on a video call then you have the benefit of finding out RIGHT AWAY rather than later irl after you've invested time and effort into meeting him. Also, you can hang up + block, whereas irl you can possibly be in a bad situation.

I will say though that most guys will treat a video chat as a date #1, like an even more lazy version of the coffee date. So the key (for you or any other ladies wanting to try) is to keep the call short and casual. Talk about your day, or plan your future date, that's it. If he tries to start talking about anything deep or personal you just tell him that you'll talk about that on your actual date.

I agree with the ladies here. For OLD purposes a phone call would be helpful as “pre in-person date” vetting. You can ask questions to confirm facts and keep it 15-20 minutes kind of like a phone interview for a job. You’re deciding whether he’s worth meeting in person. During the pandemic when we were in lockdown and not able to meet up I was doing a lot of video chatting and now when I think back to it I feel like it wasn’t a smart move (this was also in my pick me days too). I noticed a man lick his lips when he first saw me come on the screen 🤢 and a lot of them don’t take it seriously like they would for a real date. Not dressed well, background is dirty, poor lighting and trying to hold their camera in a “flattering way” so it’s end moving all the time 🙄 Now I’d only do video chatting with friends, family or work purposes not to date/ talk to strange men.

I agree with @SereneQueen and I’m iffy about it all. I personally don’t do video because I’ve seen men in chat admit to doing screenshots of women so they can masturbate to her pic later (because a silent picture doesn’t have wants or needs). I also am leery of phone calls because when I did use one in chat, every single man tone policed me and said I sounded “angry” which I’ve found is scrote insensitivity about how to describe emotions. I was nervous and rather curt mostly because they didn’t put me at ease and wanted a phone call way before I was ready. Now I have no issue saying no, I’m not angry since there’s no reason to be angry; I’m nervous because I’m not used to talking to strangers on the phone. Then they invariably get defensive and huffy when I'm assertive!

True confession: strong introvert here and I simply do not chat on the phone. I text and call only when I have to, for business purposes so there’s a reason to call and in general, an overall script. I’m not shy so I can and do talk to strangers if they approach me but I dislike phone convos in general and appreciate it if the man is a bit more of an extrovert than me, and/or if convo really flows well, otherwise I’ll make up an excuse and get off super quick.

I am fairly new to OLD (and on pause with it all at mo after a recent toxic relationship with a man who I met online) but I have been thinking about your thread and wondering, if I had spoken to him on the phone or video called him first, would I have gone on an actual date with him? I can't quite decide re. the video call because I liked him when I met him in person, but I was never keen on his voice, so a phone call might have put me off. All of my friends do a short video call first to weed out men who have lied about their age (this happens a lot but we are in our fifties so a lot of much older men are lying about this) and to see if they get a good vibe from them. I will be doing this next time but as my ex was very personable and polite at first I doubt it would have worked with him, but for some men who have outright lied on their profile, it might weed out the losers?

Personally, I'd rather meet over video chat first and sus him out than meet some guy in person.

Although I understand the sentiment of being worried about phone/voice chat, I'd rather find out he's a creep that way than to spend time getting dressed up and meeting him out without the prior chat. I can tell a lot about a man just from his voice. I can hear condescension, rage, anger, anxiety, madness, etc., and I've never been wrong. If I don't like his voice, there's usually a very good reason.