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I've (37F) been single for about two years. Discovered FDS about 6 months or so ago, and it has been life changing. I recently met a man that shook me, made me question FDS or at least put its application to the test. I'm having a hard time coping with this.
I met what I considered a HVM (40M) recently. Our similarities and interests closely mirror one another. He makes me laugh, seems genuine, has a successful career, lives alone in his own home. Travels. Takes care of himself. No kids, doesn't want any. Open to my religion (Wicca). We met for the first time in person and instantly hit it off. We had such a strong connection, I haven't had one like that since my ex and I broke up. No... This connection seemed stronger than the one I had with my ex. I honestly can't remember the last time I met someone quite like him.
He told me he is bisexual and has struggled with that throughout his life, but has recently accepted that's just who he is. This is not a problem for me. He said he's interested in a heterosexual, monogamous relationship which is in alignment with what I want as well. Something odd came up that made me question things, however. He told me that every once and a while, he has a strong "need" to be intimate with a man. They hook up, then he's satisfied and over it, until his next (what I call) craving. I assumed this was something that would be maintained in a relationship with me, and I told him we probably won't work if that was the case. I was unsure if this was something that he needed only when he was single, so I kept asking him questions about his sexuality. I felt that was pertinent when entering into a romantic relationship.
He then told me he felt very judged by me and didn't want to see me anymore. He said that sometimes bisexual people feel the need to be with same-sex partners and that's "just how it is". I feel so hurt and mislead. Everything was absolutely perfect until this point and I feel like I must have done something wrong or said the wrong thing. He didn't give me much of a chance to explain myself, and when I tried, he didn't seem to listen.
I make excuses all the time now: Maybe he didn't listen because he was hurt. Maybe I offended him without realizing it. Was I truly that insensitive? Should I ask for another chance?
Now I'm the one that's hurting. I want to reach out to him again and try to set things right, see if maybe we can work things out. My friends are telling me that he is gaslighting me, and that he's probably a repressed homosexual and lying to himself about having sexual interest in females, or that he is more male-leaning than he pretends to be. He's been consistent in saying that he doesn't want a romantic relationship with another man.
I wish things could be different. I don't know what else to do or who to turn to. My friends are wonderfully supportive. But I can't help but feel alone again. After such a long search, I find this man that I'm head over heels for. He felt the same. He told me he did. And then all of a sudden... This.
What went wrong?
EDIT: First of all, thank you so much for all of your comments and support. This community is fantastic and I wish I would have reached out sooner.
While I’m still disappointed things didn’t work out, I’m glad it happened now before I became too invested. I would have been devastated if he came to me in a few months and told me he wanted to hook up with another man. As much as I was hoping for more, in the long run he would not have been able to meet my needs. I decided a long time ago that I won’t compromise myself or my morals for the sake of a man. This was the reminder that I needed.
Thank you to this entire community. You have helped give me strength when I thought I had none. I deserve the best, and anything less is a waste of time.
He said that sometimes bisexual people feel the need to be with same-sex partners and that's "just how it is".
Sometimes I "feel the need" to punch a person who annoys me in the face or to eat a whole cake in one sitting. I still don't do it because I have something called basic impulse control. Sometimes my cat "feels the need" to pee on the carpet but he still goes to his litter box because he also has something called basic impulse control. Sometimes dogs "feel the need" to steal food from the table but they don't because they know they are not allowed to. I think you can also expect that from a man.
People get urges, fine. But he makes it sound like not acting on them is not even an option. He literally admits he has less self control than a cat or dog here and wants pity and permission to cheat for that.
That guy is not HV and would have cheated on you with men. 100%. Be glad he revealed himself so early before you became more emotionally invested. Good riddance.
EDIT: Just as a small addition: Ask yourself this: If he truly wanted a monogamous relationship with a woman for rest of his life, why even mention his bisexuality and past encounters with men to you? If that was something in his past he does not intend to continue, why bring it up so early in the dating process? There is literally no reason to do so. A HV man would consider this private information and would be rightfully afraid that "I sometimes I get the urge to sleep with men" will scare you off.
Thanks for confirming to me why I don't fuck with bisexual males. They will always have that itch that no woman can scratch...their craving for a male equipment, something in which women do NOT have, will always be problematic.
These bi dudes wanna cry victim & throw the "biphobia" card as a way to pressure and guilt trip women into getting dragged into their mess. Which is coercion at its finest.
Screw that scrote. He's a piece of shit trying to gaslight you manipulate you. Your friends are right about him, you didn't do anything wrong. Do NOT reach out to the scrote. Block & delete for good.
He's no HVM. This is no better than the straight man constantly pushing for threesomes. You did not miss out on anything, you dodged a bullet. He's looking for a beard to please the family while he still gets to be with men. RUN. As a bisexual person I can say this is utter bullshit. Everyone, regardless of orientation is capable of committing to a partner. It's called love. This guy is total crap.
So imagine if he said that "every once and a while, he has a strong "need" to be intimate with another woman. They hook up, then he's satisfied and over it, until his next (what I call) craving." And you desiring monogamy, and he as well said he desired monogamy, ask follow up questions to ensure that doesn't hinder one of your values you want in a relationship. And then he feels "attacked." Something's not lining up here... if he was monogamous then he would've assured you that in a relationship, he won't have sex with other people... but instead he turns it around on you...
Nothing went wrong. He wants an open relationship aka he wants a female house slave and a male actual love interest. You asking questions(unacceptable! Lol) would have eventually led to this answer. Abusers HAVE to operate under confusion. Asking clear questions fucks up the whole confusion thing for them, therefore its offensive. His intentions were not good, but at least he saw himself out.
"He's been consistent in saying that he doesn't want a romantic relationship with another man."
But he NEEDS sex with them. 🤡 No point in dating men since he HAS to treat them well or else. Women on the other hand... Honestly I don't think this dude is HV at all. I could see him calling you homophobic/biphobic and guilt tripping you because you dared complain to him about the monkey pox sores he gave you. :/
You shouldn't have attached the HV label to him, he did nothing to earn it.
The moment you pushed back on his need to bone a dude, he jumped to gaslighting you.
Run.
He's the woke abuser that Lundy Bancroft talks about.
It sounds like this guy is using women for societal status, but still wants to get down and dirty with men whenever he feels like it, and his female partner is expected to tolerate it otherwise she's a homophobe and isn't accepting of him. Bullshit. This is a bi now gay later situation. He's gonna manipulate you if you don't accept it. NEXT!
He interpreted it as judgement when you were just trying to understand/clarify something major about him. He's either really insecure about being bi or he doesn't like the fact that you didn't just ok his ""need"" to sleep with men.
Your friends are right, he's gaslighting you. He wants to pretend to be a regular, loyal straight man publicly while also being in the promiscuous gay scene with no strings attached.
Even if he was right, do you really want to be involved with someone who wants that sort of split life? He'd put your own sexual health at risk any time he fooled around with a man and came back to you.
You did nothing wrong. You didn't say anything wrong. This guy is trying to throw you off balance by claiming that he felt judged by a boundary that you stated. Men like this do that to make us feel bad for setting boundaries so that we DON'T speak up about other boundaries we have later for fear of hurting the man's feelings. I'm smelling some narcissistic mirroring in this situation given how you stated the connection was so strong and you can't remember the last time you met someone quite like him. Remember that in the early days, you CAN'T assess for compatibility. You can only tell if someone is INcompatible with you and he has shown that already by stating that he occasionally has cravings to get his dick fix. Remember that narcissistic and narcissistically-inclined men are really good at coming off as HVM early on and mirroring our interests/values early on, which makes it feel soooo destabilizing once they react negatively to a boundary you've set. I had one do this to me when I told him I didn't like him texting me late at night, then he turned it into a whole ass lecture directed at me for how I should speak to people with respect when they're "just trying to show some kindness and invest a little bit." Your post and my experience both remind me of the post about backfooting.
Haha maybe he's stone cold gay and upset that a woman puppet wasn't happy enough to accept his cravings and keep up his public fascade
🤦♀️ girl, you sound like you need to level up and take a break from dating/looking full stop. You aren't practicing vetting here- you're practicing negotiating YOUR boundaries (which is a red flag about YOU) 6 months into FDS is so little time- it takes a long time time to remember the lessons, much less to act on them and implement them. And it's only through practice that you can learn to vet. And this loser has thrown plenty of flags in your face and you want to... Work things out? With a stranger? Who you've met a handful of times? Who you aren't in a relationship with? WHAT IS THERE TO WORK OUT- you need a detox and to sit with yourself and post mortem the hell out of what drew you and kept you in your past relationships so you don't keep chasing the same karmic lessons
A HVM would not be scared off by your (legitimate!) concerns, even if they might have offended him a little. He was hoping to be coddled and given a free pass to cheat on you with men and you didn't do it, so he balked. Men who are overly protective of their "right" to certain sexual acts are a huge glaring red flag. He's not a HVM and you would have had a miserable time with him sexually.
The majority of bi men have a genital preference for dicks. Most of them would rather be in a relationship with a pre-Op trans woman or with a femboy than a regular woman. Most bi men love to have straight privilege. They date regular women, because they want to have kids and/or because it makes them feel more masculine to have a woman at home. It's all about the social status for them. There's a lot of bi men that claim to be hetero-romantic, which means they are romantically and emotionally attracted to women. The reason why they feel this way is because we women do all the emotional labor in relationships. So that means they only like us as a therapist. A lot of bi men think they can have their cake and eat it too. They want all the good things: wife (=maid/slave/mother/fleshlight), kids and an occasional dick appointment. Just look at the subreddits "r/bisexualmen" and "r/bibros". It's a real eye-opener. The guy you've been dating was gaslighting you. He didn't want to be in a monogamous relationship with you. If he did, he wouldn't have mentioned the fact that he has this urge sometimes to be intimate with another man. This guy probably just wants the benefits of a straight relationship. Don't waste your time on this dude.
Oh hell no. I’m bisexual do I use that as an excuse to cheat on my partner?? absolutely not!!
dated a bisexual man and he was the worst. Always debating and saying the most ignorant things. also claiming to wanting to be in a relationship with a woman and yet drooling at men all the time. He was also the only man I dated who acted depraved and violent during sex and starting choking me without my consent. Never again
your friends are right he’s gaslighting you and just wants a man instead
No he is not a HVM. Bisexual people can control their urges, he’s just selfish.
He is not HV. Block and delete and move on, your instant connection is projection. Find a real man that worships your female body!
Sometimes he "feels the need" to have sex with a man. And sometimes you feel the need to be with a rich man on his yacht. WHAT THE FUCK IS THE DIFFERENCE. Control yourself, scrote.
I don’t see this as HV. He’s basically grooming you to be ok with him cheating on you when he feels the need to be intimate with another man. how long have you been seeing him? If it was me I’d just ghost / block + delete
Doesn't sound hvm to me.
"He told me that every once and a while, he has a strong "need" to be intimate with a man. They hook up, then he's satisfied and over it, until his next (what I call) craving" 🚩 So wanting to have his cake and eat it too?
"He then told me he felt very judged by me and didn't want to see me anymore." 🚩 That's not a healthy way to address something.
”He didn't give me much of a chance to explain myself, and when I tried, he didn't seem to listen." 🚩 So blantant disrespect.
"I make excuses all the time now" 🚩 You don't need to make excuses for good men
No girl, you dodged a grenade. A bisexual male who wants to creep on the side w/other men can offer you nothing but heartbreak and a visit to the doctor for a complete STD panel.