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I want to start by thanking you for creating such an inspiring place where so much content resonates.
I dated a guy for nearly 2 years and we broke up in January '22. We started off having an amazing r'ship but a year in I clocked some LVM behaviour; using my car, leaving messes in my apartment, wanting his freedom but insisting he wanted something meaningful etc. He also worked away a lot so I felt quite lonely. He's late 30s btw.
Aside from that he was funny, kind and super generous - I have an entire apartment full of stuff he gifted me from TVs to plant pots - and my family loved him. He was always kind to them and his family welcomed me, too.
The break up was messy. He let me down big time at Xmas by doing more immature stuff. I made the decision to end things and he wouldn't accept it/took a long time to collect his stuff, kept calling and arguing with me etc. He made a point of returning gifts I bought, accusing me of flirting with other men etc. Yeh, messy.
As we live in a small area, our paths have crossed since on dating apps. We met up in May to clear the air but he ended up bringing up old dirt and I decided to put space between us again. I've dated a load of scrotes since him and admittedly was starting to romanticise what we had in the good 'ole days.
A couple of weeks ago we met whilst drunk in a club and ended up going home together - 9 months on from our break up! This 100% goes against everything I stand for. I feel strongly that you 'don't go back' but I was feeling raw and he was saying all the right things. No excuses. We both said we still loved one another etc. I should also add that he was acting possessive with one of my male friends that night. Not great when I write it down.
I suggested we meet the day after and he brushed me off only to get back in touch a week later. We met, had a civil convo and he brought a form to finally remove me from our joint bank account. I told him the incident had left me confused and he told me straight up that he couldn't do a relationship with me, it had been fun but he wasn't prepared to go there again as i'd hurt him so badly. However he was trying to sleep with me again. I declined saying I had feelings for him and simply couldn't have something casual. He left.
He followed up via text by saying more or less the same thing: he's glad we didn't 'go there' again/will always have feelings for me/can't do relationships/is busy. Blah blah.
So now I feel stupid. My ego is dented. I feel sad that he would keep in touch only to decide we are only good to sleep together. I feel stupid that I went back on my own boundary. I can't decide whether to respect his honestly or feel cheapened that it's all he sees me as being good for IYSWIM. In the background I have a dad who's likely hoy dementia, a stressful job and a lot of shit going down but I know I'm responsible for this incident.
It's clear I have to move on for REAL this time and I'm making strides to do just that. It's made me realise I was secretly hoping for a reconciliation and that my apartment was totally full of stuff and memories of him/us - some of which I felt were ok to keep around. I know better now. I have revisited how much stuff was hanging around and it's on its way to charity stores as I write.
I posted about this in a different female forum and got RAGGED for expecting special treatment/for hurting him/for expecting anything to develop from sex (don't I know that men are wired differently etc etc) and I'm hoping that you FDS peeps will be a kinder yet straight-talking tribe.
Please help me pick my battered esteem off the floor. I'm honestly considering relocating so that I can have a clear break and chance of starting over. Mainly to shake off the limitations of being in such a small town.
Tl:dr I slept with my ex who only sees me as someone to be casual with. I am now regretting the impact this decision had had on my ego.
One important thing to remember when dating men is most do not get upset when you dump them because they love you. Most get upset because they “lost”. Dating, relationships for men is treated very much like a game. And often it’s a game of how much can I get with how little effort. Or how much power can I have over another person.
When women break up with a man they often double down on all kind of tactics- future faking, soulmates, threatening to end their lives. None of this has to do with love. It’s to do with coming out on top.
Unfortunately, when you slept with this guy he “won” so now he’s got the power position so there’s no incentive to try to date you. He feels like he’s in the power position.
I’m not telling you this to make you feel bad. I’m telling you this to give you perspective. Women date for love, most men don’t. The fact that he “confessed his feelings” and then doesn’t want to date you proves that.
Moving forward remember that you deserve to be treated as a whole, meaningful human (I know you know this because it’s part of the reason you broke up in the first place), and the only person who can make sure that’s happening is you.
and straight up he’s the one who really lost by playing stupid games with someone who deserves so much better.
wanting his freedom but insisting he wanted something meaningful
If any women reading this ever get a whiff of this with a man, YOU ARE SINGLE. You don't owe him a break up or closure or an explanation. Just disappear. You were single the whole time anyways. This shit pisses me off. To be unwelcome, in my own relationship, *that I didn't ask for, he did*. Weird how they want their "freedom" but they Don't want you to have YOURS, isn't it?
You weren't demoted, he lead you on. He just wanted to make sure you weren't fucking anybody else. That's it.
His big age, and him crawling back to you, are signs that he's not doing too hot in the dating world. Take joy and solace in that. Man pushing 40 thinks he can be a desired bachelor forever as his testosterone is plummeting. Bet he wants kids too! Lol. This is not meant to insult you at all, you did nothing wrong. I'm just saying that despite buying you some gifts, he was just using you. Be angry for a little bit, then laugh it off, then get some good cunnilingus from a younger man with abs lol.
It's never too late to wise up.
Plus he left messes in your apartment? Horrifying to me.
Just remember--whether you slept with him or not, he's not High Quality. He's not worth your time. So he was generous, big deal. One green flag does not a HVM make. I've dated generous men but they've been lacking in other important areas.
As for relocating, if it feels right, go for it. Another option would be to start a hobby in a nearby busy city and commute to that, just to get out of the small town vibe and meet new people. IMO the best way to get over a breakup is to make a huge list of all the things big or small that you've ever wanted to do and then systematically achieve them all. By the time you're through you will have an unrecognisable life and the scrote will be a dim distant memory (I speak from experience).
It’s a blow to the ego, but the ego is an illusion. Remember that. Sit with the pain, then dust yourself off and realize you lost nothing - a low value human being who cannot elevate your life in any meaningful way. Sadly, he’ll always be him, and you’re only going to get better and better.
SN: moving may not be such a bad idea. Not because of him, but because small towns can be stifling and there’s so much of the world to see! 
I wish people would 1) stop getting drunk in clubs, it's unsafe on so many levels, 2) throw shit out the other party doesn't take with them, and 3) stop with the joint bank accounts if they're not married.
He is not being honest if he's "saying all the right things" to get you into bed and then backtracking and saying he's not ready for a relationship... That's literally the opposite of honesty. Look, we've all betrayed our own boundaries at some point in our lives, see it for what it is and grow from there. Your hurt has nothing to do with him and everything to do with how you feel you've betrayed yourself, you can forgive yourself and move on, you don't need to project it onto him to spare your feelings. It sucks to acknowledge, but also with practice it gets easier to forgive yourself and easier to scorn the people who took advantage of you- your ex took advantage of you, make no mistake.
This man is 37 and still living as if he's in college, gross. You lost nothing, in fact you won a chance to have a better life as a single and fabulous woman! I hate how women are so used to blame other women for men's behavior on and offline, it's disgusting. They dragged you on that female forum (I doubt it was really ONLY female) because it's easier to blame you for trusting a man than to understanding that men manipulating, using and discarding women as if we were objects is a MEN'S problem🙄 He took advantage of you, it's okay to feel bad for yourself but don't forget that:
1) he's the asshole here, not you.
2) this is a great lesson and I bet you'll learn from this experience
He’s a loser and it makes me angry that guys like this waste years, no DECADES, chasing tail instead of developing into real people of worth. Another waste of a life. I hate when men act possessive and block you form other guys when they only want sex. Only block me if you intend to offer me more than he can! Can you go back to the guy he was jealous of, assuming you think he’s cute?
As someone who has never been in your situation, all I can say is that it's a good thing that you recognised this was self destructive and aim to not repeat such behaviour. Please take whatever I say with a bucketload of salt because I have very limited experience w men. I think you need to cut him off and by that I mean you have to remember that if you wallow or run away (is he really the only reason or the final straw), the only person hurting will be you.
I’m halfway through reading and first thing you should do is forgive yourself. You’re human. We’re all on this FDS journey but these things happen. Dementia is excruciatingly painful and stressful on loved ones. Add having to function highly at a job and other life demands. Say to yourself what you would say to a friend. It’s okay. You made a mistake and you’ve learned from it. In my experience, men that have to beg or grovel their way back usually have sinister motives. Unless for uncontrollable reasons such as distance etc, women keep Good Men. Even bad ones. So if a man is dumped it’s usually for very good reason. And if he was good it would have been a different outcome. This has been discussed extensively, but after many men are dumped their egos can’t take. I understand romanticizing a subpar r/ship because the amount of scrotery on these dating streets is quite overwhelming. If you keep feeling like your options are only scrotes then take a break, and come back when you’re in better shape. The truth is although dating should be fun on a very real level it’s psychological warfare and your only armor is your self esteem. Your armor has been chinked but that’s fine. You can buff and smooth it out with generous doses of self love. Give it time. He wanted you back for his self esteem boost. He was a lvm with some hv traits. That’s what a lvm is. Zvm have zero hv traits, that’s the main difference. When you slept with him he tested your boundaries further by pushing for fwb. Yes, it’s degrading. And he’s mind fucking you with his stupid fuckboy texts. In time, you’ll come to be repulsed by him. Block and delete. Because you haven’t established your boundaries and he now perceives you as weak, the power dynamic is now in his favor. Detach from all mutual acquaintances. Be ruthless in blocking him. If nothing else, he’ll learn you’re a queen who never settles.
We all make mistake girl dont blame yourself. Dating from scratch is like building a new apartment from ground so there would be always a temptation to move back with your ex and continue what you were building for 2 years. Be aware of this temptation. Burn that old building to the ground and never look back. You will find a good match again sooner or later. Peace
This is just a situation to learn from because you'll always remember the regret.
This replay made him think he “won” as other commenters have said, but in the biggest picture you won, because you will not restart a relationship with this low value scrote. if he had “followed thru” on the shit he was saying in the club etc. you‘d be in the exact same place a year from now when he’s not changed one iota and you have to dump him again.
Dont beat yourself up. Look on this as the universe doing you a favour by deleting him from your mental list of possibilities. No more pretending he was better than he was. Its a nudge to remember: high value or the high way. Focus on yourself and go get a big juicy life whatever happens with men.
Honestly what would really help your battered self esteem is to feel all your feelings. And re-read the FDS handbook. Follow some more similar content on IG as well.