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How do you ladies handle seeing someone you love go back to her abuser? I don't want to give too many identifying details, but he was physically violent with her and emotionally manipulative. She got out for a brief time, but I recently found out she reached out to him and they're "hanging out" again. I told her straight that he could end up killing her and she laughed, but I persisted. She stated my thinking was black and white for warning her that he was abusive and for stating that a few months of separation does not make him a changed man. I told her that these abusive men rarely if ever change, and when we go back to them, that just gives them the green light to continue their abuse. Our love only serves to enable their behavior. She eventually admitted I was right, but I doubt she's really taking my words to heart.
I have discussed Lundy Bancroft's books with her and have encouraged her to read them, but I don't think she will at this point. I read them myself in order to get through my own abusive relationships. I'm speaking from experience, and she knows this. These men do not change. They just get worse. How do you handle seeing someone you love fall back into the same pattern of abuse? I made it out, and I want more than anything for her to make it out too.
Edit: I wanted to thank everyone for taking the time to respond with compassion and wisdom. It's been rough and I cry every time I think of my sister throwing away her future for this abusive piece of shit. I am staying in contact with her and planting little seeds of strength in her life whenever I can in hopes she will see a way out for herself. Also doing my best to not be judgmental or harsh with her so that she feels safe to confide in me. I will not forget to take care of myself too by not taking this personally. Thank you all again. I'm grateful for this community.
Take a step back and do the bare minimum to maintain ties, while keeping yourself safe and not over-giving. Statistically, it takes on average something like 7 to 9 tries for a woman to leave an abuser. Remember that, and don’t take her trauma bond personally.
She won’t read the books and refuses to acknowledge the dangers? All you can do is stay in contact and check up regularly to see when she needs help leaving again. She left once, she can do it again.
I also suggest discussing scarcity mindset. She might think there are no other men out there for her - she needs to see that men are not your life and you can be fine without one.
Ppl I know dropped the charges after their bf made it right with them. Or let the fathers come back and be daddy while he never paid child support. Women are shamed for not being forgiving. Women always need to forgive otherwise they are bitter. When women are in tears because their men cheated they either get the blame or are told they need to get back with him for the children. I’ve heard so many times that I need to take accountability and forgive.
There isn’t much you can do, if you interfere that man can go after you, your friend will turn against you.
I left an abusive relationship, and it's almost funny to me how the statistic is so accurate: I left exactly 7 times before leaving him for good.
Now, here's the thing: you have to understand there is a high involved in this, and it becomes addictive. Your sister is accustomed to riding the rollercoaster, and though the lows are absolutely devastating, the highs are glorious. When I would leave my ex and come back, he would promise me the world, and was attentive to my every need. He would lavish me with compliments and gifts. He would be my absolute dream man. Then, of course, the cycle would repeat itself.
But not only was I addicted to the highs, I was addicted to the drama. In the beginning I would be able to call on my friends and family, and they would cry with me. They would tell me I deserved better. I began to love my victimhood. But then eventually they grew tired of the whole thing. I remember being shocked when my dad, instead of begging me to come home, said, "Welp. You're a smart girl. You'll figure it out." And my aunt said, "Welp. I think you're going to lose your kids." And my friends? They weren't even answering my phone calls anymore. Everyone had simply had it, and you know what? I NEEDED that.
I think when people are acting in a self-destructive manner the intervention method is best: let them know you love them and will always be there for when they are ready for help. But until then it is often best to love them from a distance.
So sorry for what you and she are going through.
Lundy Bancroft says the first time he hits you, you’re a victim. The second time, you’re a volunteer.
It sounds harsh, but it’s a choice.
Ask if her will and affairs are in order for you to deal with it after he kills her.
This is a brutal situation, I’m sorry you’ve got to watch this happen to your sister
It sounds like she’s caught in the cycle of abuse and is back in the honeymoon phase where he is lovebombing her. She won’t listen to you right now, but may when he starts abusing her again as long as there’s no “told you so” attitude. It can take a lot of abuse for some women to take off their rose coloured glasses —but it’s usually his cheating or financial abuse that wakes her up. She genuinely thinks she loves him and doesn’t understand the drama an abuser‘s cycle creates can be addictive and doesn’t understand that a man who hurts you can’t love you. Abused women think the abuse actually means that he loves her because his anger, jealousy, and overreactions show “he cares”. 🤢
Her reality is currently written by him. She can’t see what you see —it’s not real to her. She needs a counselor from a women’s domestic violence shelter as they are trained specifically to un-brainwash abused women who don’t understand or don’t want to understand what’s happening to them.
Here’s a cycle of abuse chart as a resource:
Please don’t give up on her. She needs at least one voice in her life that puts her first. She needs you. I’ve been in her shoes and had no one speaking reality and truth to me. It’s so much harder to leave when you don’t have supports and don’t have a voice of reason in your life. She’ll be free one day and hopefully with thanks to your emotional support.
I'd buy her a gun and the Bancroft book and also "Malignant Self Love: Narcissism Revisited." And I'd keep encouraging her to leave him. I'd take her to the shooting range to make sure she can shoot straight.
After watching the show on Netflix, "Maid", I am really inspired to volunteer at a domestic violence shelter or anywhere else that can help out women in need. It is scary how addicting and stuck being in a bad relationship can feel. It's like being pulled thin in every direction.
There are examples in the show of women going back to the man that hurt them...often because the guy is sweet and manipulative with words.
As long as she is an adult and not a minor, there is really nothing you can do. They will make their own choices, just be there for her to support her when you can.