.png)
Back story to make it make some sense: I got to know someone Dec 2019 online, (he was from another country but had plans to holiday in mine) and we went on ONE date when he came here, we both liked each other but after a few weeks of discussions there were a few things very make or break and I made it clear I didn't see a future. Very specifically, I wanted to be a SAHM and be taken care of until my future kid(s) were adults. I prefer traditional roles, and I THOUGHT he did too, at least that's how he presented himself. He disagreed with the idea that a woman shouldn't work until her kids are adults. I was unwilling to budge. That was that. I don't blame him because I know in his country that's how things are and economically it's tough to work it out that way esp with the pension system. (that's not what he said, that's just what I know). To be honest, the ball was in his court and I feel like as a man you can always do better in your career, I mean what's the point of studying law and then just being a language teacher and crying about your work all the time to me. If he wanted to, he could, and if that could change I would not be opposed to reconnection. But anyway, the past is the past. I am not pining for him or anything. When I did a lot of retrospection and growing up I realized he had some other suspect behaviors/characteristics I didn't like. I do feel like maybe I was low-key being a bit manipulated honestly he did misrepresent himself (not lie, but misrepresent).
I was not rude or hurtful at all. Anyway once I let him know I wasn't willing to change, hinted at no future, he acknowledged okay yes maybe we are not a good match after all and he blocked or deleted me everywhere, Okc, Skype, or maybe I did, I dont remember. this was late Jan 2020. It was hard, I did cry a lot, but it needed to be done and I would do it all again the same way. I am not willing to ruin my future esp when considering marriage and such serious things. I felt kind of guilty and as if I hurt him and felt bad about it for a while. But I was NOT rude or anything. Just matter of fact.
Ever since then, every now and then I will dream of him. Every month or so. I can't remember. In 2020 I would sometimes dream of things like him getting injured. Lately it's been positive endings, reunion, and sappy dreams. Kind of like where he comes back and things are magically okay. I want this to stop, it is very stupid and I made a logical decision that I would once again repeat if I had the chance. WTF can I do? It really ruins my mood when it happens. I mean I guess I could find someone new but I don't like most people and while I am open to connections I just don't find that many men interesting enough.
Another thing you may need to know is that one of my hobbies is language learning and I'd been on and off learning his language (since I was a teen so way before him) and since 2020 I've actually been learning in uni so idk if that's a factor but that's like, the interest was there before him and will be there after him I can't just give up a hobby lol. We were both kinda interested in each other's cultures tbh.
Retelling this whole thing is like ripping open a wound ugh. But I need this to end. Please someone help me lol. It is so frustrating that my brain isn't getting the damn memo. You need to understand, I never really make bad decisions with regard to people. I know I did the right thing, logically. I even posted on FDS asking about this back then. That's what gave me confidence.
Like, I'm 29, this isn't my first rodeo. I had an ex bf from when I was 17ish and we were crazy kids, on and off for 3 years until I finally lost respect and love. I knew he'd never make it and would never be able to stand on his feet and it turned out to be true. It did take time to not think of him, but I got over him when I found a new love interest eventually lol. When I was 23 I was suddenly ghosted by someone who I'd known a month or two, who seemed very serious and talked about marriage. I was crushed and intensely hurt for many months after that, but I got over that soon enough and find the whole thing a bit funny now lol. But this guy, I only met him once, only knew him 6 weeks and yet i'm tormented by these dreams since almost 4 years? I don't get it. I want these dreams to stop, I am over it.
Um so, what's the point of this post, right, well I don't know but I I broke down yesterday crying for 2 hours. Today I wrote a 1000+ word unsent letter. I don't know what happened but the past two days have been so depressing. This makes no sense.
Why do I have these intense feelings of guilt for hurting him by "rejecting" him even though he was the manipulator? He kinda misrepresented himself...
I don't get it. I do not want him back or anything. It would never work out, at least with the way things were. Yet this dude is somehow always in the freaking back of my mind and now and then in my dreams. I want it to stop.
It's like an abscess bursting. I kept it all cool and under control all this time and now it's erupting. I don't know what to do.
I am this close to literally handwriting this letter in his language and posting it to his previous workplace and asking them to send it to his address (and it's literally in another country - we do not live in the same country, we met when he came here). Or well I could just dig up my old gmail and email him directly, I guess. No, this is dumb as all hell. I don't want to do anything stupid. Eww. I would rather be the girl that got away than be a sobbing emotional mess to him ewww. Wtf I would totally lose face. I am too proud to do that. Imagine I text him and it turns out he has found someone else [unlikely but you never know]. Ewwwwwwwwwwww that would hurt me 100x worse lol. Oh my goodness, hello?! Eww. Strong Britney. Yikesssss. Why do I feel bad though like i seriously hurt him. This makes 0 freaking sense. It all happened so suddenly since the past 2 days. It's not my period coming on, either, so I know it's not hormonal.
Slap some sense into me please because wtf. At the moment I am trying to just write poetry about it instead. It helps to turn pain into art. Ugh I just am so in my feels which is weird...all this time I was doing well, honestly wow I have grown so much. I kept it nicely buried and marched on now it's suddenly bursting open idk what to do. And then there's stupid songs playing in my head making my mood worse. Sorry for this big wall of text. I did not know where else I could get unbiased help and realistic advice from.
You don't miss him. You didn't even know him. You met this person one time. You are missing or mourning the idea of a a nice relationship.
You are wondering "what if." Well, it was shitty of him to block and delete you, that's what. Anyone interested in you as a human would never have done that. He probably was not a good guy, but you can't be certain because nothing ever came of it, and you're wondering if it's because you hurt him. Even if you did, if he really liked you, he wouldn't have lashed out like that. More than likely, he B&Ded you because you ceased serving a purpose to him. A man who likes you would keep those doors open at all costs.
You never actually knew this guy. You're sad about losing the chance for a fantasy idea.
This sounds like a very intense infatuation and fixation, I'd even say to the mentally ill level. Being obsessed about a guy you never really knew is strange and makes me think there's something deeper going on. Imo the something deeper is coming to terms with the fact you're almost 30 and still unmarried with no kids. 30 is a big birthday and a LOT of pressure is put on women to be married and have kids before 30. The fantasy of that man is so intoxicating because he was the last man you genuinely liked and you feel like he was your last chance. He was not your last chance btw, you still have a good decade of baby making potential. The reality of him is not related to your fantasy. You know in your head that he would have made you miserable and resentful, now you just need to connect it to your heart.
Soul searching is required because you are disconnected. The life you thought you'd have is not here so you're coping by fantasies. But you need to reel yourself in and become ok with your reality.
I can't say how best to do that, but I think reading some books about the stage of life you're in will help. Also, maybe stop writing letters to him and instead start writing letters to yourself. Maybe a therapist would help as well.
Somehow when I was reading your post I got stuck on the part of your language learning. Could it be that you have a strong interest in his country/culture? Maybe even a preference for his kind? I believe that the 'foreign' part of that romance could feed your infatuation more than usual as you have a whole allure of exotic appeal or wanderlust to obsess over and further pine for. It might draw a very enticing background for your nostalgic (day)dreams. Maybe you could try to healthily live out your obsession by focussing on the cultural interest you have regardless of the six week phantom and try to separate the two, maybe planning a trip to that country, no matter how far in the future, is something that you could pour your energy into. Regardless, you need to identify with the rational part within you that knows best and extend some compassion for the dreamy part that is taken over by nostalgia. Memories are distortive and can be very sticky. Use them to access what it was about him that gave you a good feeling and realise that there are countless men, on your continent or another, who could have just that and a hundred advantages more minus the reasons you left him. Ask yourself if you're feeling bored with life in your current situation and if there's something in the back of your head that you've been wondering about doing for some time but pushing down. Maybe you could find some healthy excitement in doing something new.
It seems to me that your actions (ending things with men quickly and simply and keeping no contact) are ahead of your feelings/thoughts (obsessing about the memories nevertheless) and you should find confidence in the fact that your practical self preservation carries you and then do something to get out of your head.
Wishing you well.
He visited your country on holiday. You were always nothing but a good-time girl to him. You will always be nothing but a good-time girl to him.
Get a grip. Move on. And next time, read the handbook before you post.
You're imagining him as better than he is.
It's normal, but also kind of insane, especially if you don't open up often. He's a normal dude, and you're applying a worst case scenario subconsciously, where he's some fictional dude who doesn't watch porn and will do cottagecore with you, and you're the jerk to rejected him.
It's not real. Train your brain.
If I were you, I'd watch some movies and read fanfiction so you can project onto someone who isn't a real person.
Lots of good advice
As someone who is prone to fantasy-making with the "what if's" but definitely got better over the years, I also advise you to look at your fantasies not in relation to him but in relation to you. Please check my post about 'How to Use Crushes to our Advantages', it has been posted several times on here.
Ie : What does the feeling of guilt you have toward him tell about your own needs ? Is it poeple pleasing ? Do you have unmet needs such as validation that you have been neglecting ?
I personally use men for validation when I notice these unmet needs. I go out to a party, flirt here and there, notice that I'm (sexually) wanted and get back home to watch a movie with some crisps lol. Then suddenly, any linguerish dreams I had about scrote who didn't meet my standards vanish....
It would be good to work through all that with a good therapist.
maybe limerence?