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Dear ladies of FDS,
I am brave enough today to share a first post after reading here for a long time in hopes of getting my head sorted a bit. I hate to make it another contribution to the collaborative section of confusing men diagnostics but I don’t feel comfortable talking about this problem to any real life friend at the moment as I don’t trust their judgement of men, my concern also is very intimate to me and oddly I feel safer in the anonymity of the English Internet. If you understandably have enough of reading about dates then this post is irrelevant.
Maybe some of you have the time to lend some advice to a young and rather inexperienced woman.
I have been seeing a man for 7 weeks now and am very unsure on how to proceed based on what I’ve gotten to know about him.
We met online where we kept enthusiastic conversation for two weeks before he invited me to dinner. Our first date went so well that we kept seeing each other about twice weekly and chatting or talking over the phone in regular intervals. After three weeks of that, our thing transferred to phone and video calls as he relocated a flight away at the beginning of this year. He said he had lost interest in seeing other people, is strongly expressing the wish to continue this with me into something serious and makes plans to get together by travels next month.
Until here, everything is so well that I’m unable to keep a clear head as I’ve never experienced treatment this respectful, consistent, attentive and generous. Men of his courting manner are as good as extinct in my country and I never had to navigate a talking stage on a level this high. He provides me with all I could think of. I don’t have to take care of a single thing except for appreciating what is laid down before my feet. No boundary I need to defend, nothing I need to ask for or run after.
What confuses me badly and is what made me turn to this forum:
Of course I let him talk about his personal background while I have kept mine shadowy. In a long phone call we had, we drifted into different topics of his history and he couldn’t seem to hold in a revelation he felt he had to share with me. One that were of no relevance to me or our relation but rather a shameful part of him and his past he would like to ‘cure’: In past relationships he came to develop a liking to and an occasional habit of indirect polygamy. He enjoyed his straying long term ex-girlfriend share her private material of hookups with other men with him. Videos of her ‘cheating’. Now I know there’s a term for that, as there’s a term for everything, but I am not in the mood of researching anything at the moment.
I have been very overwhelmed by this information and maybe more by him telling me. Now I don’t know whether to think he wanted to manipulate me in the hopes of ‘what if’ or if it was an ingenious need to share something he could not hold back out of guilt to put down his cards for me to read.
I don’t even know what to think of that preference. I don’t know nothing about preferences or kinks or fetishes or trends and maybe rather like to stay blissfully ignorant. I don’t think I’m bothered by him not being more possessive of a girlfriend or having a comparably mild fantasy. He gave no indication of it involving degradation or disrespect in any form. But maybe I just can’t see into his head to know if there is a misogynist aspect to it or not.
It is extremely difficult expressing my discomfort as I can’t pinpoint it exactly myself. Maybe it is the fact he has agreed to be with someone long term whose sexual partners did not know their intimate recording would be shared with her boyfriend. I don’t think I really care for the privacy of those men but something of it is just so weird. Careless? Bizarre? Strange? Wrong??? Somehow I trust when he says he himself preferred loving exclusively but applied a different standard to his girlfriend. Maybe it’s voyeurism, maybe it’s the allure of seeing a close partner from a different angle, maybe it’s the thrill of the forbidden or maybe it’s low self esteem that makes him enjoy these scenarios. I am afraid I’m going crazy trying to understand and be open and then simultaneously not wanting to need to understand anything at all, closing my eyes ignorantly and leaving it be another irrelevant chapter of weird male fantasy.
I’m not sure if I’m overreacting and it is not that bad or if I’m underreacting because it is very bad and I’m just too naive about the realities of sexual deviancy. Is it just a regular sin of a young person‘s past or is it the warning for more bizarre to come? Do I need to be an expert on fetishes to correctly estimate what this means for me?
What also felt weird was that he underlined he would be scared to lose me for telling me this. It were in his past, he had changed, he would have waited for some point much later to open up to me. He kept dwelling on how he would not need to pursue that interest anymore, that I was what were important. But then why did he tell me at all? To tell an interesting story about himself? To have me a ‘just kidding unless’? Am I being tested?
Why would he put in all this effort just for the opportunity of a chance to repeat this fantasy with me? I am the opposite of a person who omits extroverted sensual energy and he cannot not have noticed how shy I was since the day we first met. We would have a LDR anyways.
I am very confused.
None of his physical expression alludes to any type of conspicuous perversion, he is very tender and gentle and extremely generous in his touch.
I was considering him as a serious partner and now I just don’t know what to think anymore. I wouldn’t even know if this ‘interest’ bothers me at all. I really don’t know whether to be disgusted, amused or careless or nothing or everything.
I will probably delete this post or my entire account just as well because I am embarrassed.
My hope is there are more experienced or educated strategists to give me feedback or other constructive words. Anything.
[PS Please excuse any discomfort in reading, English isn’t my first language.
Thank you]
This is my first time on here responding to a post. I'm moved to reply here as I have a best friend whose husband also liked the voyeuristic nature of sex rather than actually having sex himself. This was something she was fine with and justified his motivations. Personally I feel this is very weird behaviour and you're lucky he's let the cat out the bag before you invest anymore time with him. This could also be the tip of the iceberg in terms of other stuff he's in to which is extremely likely. We live in times when kink shaming is deemed an offense but personally I couldn't give a flying fuck. It's weird you say as much yourself. If I've learned anything in my 47 years it's that ignore your gut at your peril. I'm sorry it's not more positive after you speak so well of him but chances are he has a secret sexual basement that he wants to share with you early in the relationship.
Here's the thing, this is cuckold and it's a gross kink that's being mainstreamed by porn so 🚩 Men like him can't truly enjoy love-making, they aren't satisfied with intimacy and care. So there's two options: maybe he did change and he's not into this kink anymore but moved to another, maybe even more disgusting, kink. Or he's still secretly into this and wants you to bond with him and make sure you won't leave as easily before bringing it up again. In the future, he can say that he was 'honest' with you about his kinks and you 'accepted' him when you decided to get in a relationship with him.
This is all speculation and we'll never really know what's truly on his mind. The reasons why he's telling you about this don't matter, what matters is that you're clearly upset and your gut is telling you that this is not something you're going to be okay with. Don't get fooled, if this is bothering you now it'll surely bother you and even traumatize you in the future.
Lastly, you sound young so I'm going to be a honest with you: don't waste your precious time worrying and overthinking men's behavior, the answer most of the time is to drop him! Protect your time, your youth, your body and your mind from them.
Don't let the kind and respectful treatment cloud your judgement. People can perform kindness and behave in a dignified and loving manner and ALSO be misogynistic/abusive/manipulative. Clearly you are repelled by this- do not justify this man in your head further just because he did the bare minimum by giving you good treatment initially. Decent treatment and abuse can both exist together.
Your sexuality is sacred to you- honor and value it by not engaging with this man who harbors these disgusting views of sex and women. Like the woman is an object to be "shared"- as opposed to loving, trustful intimacy.
I think you are neither overreacting nor underreacting- it is simply a new and confusing situation for you. I think you're just thrown off guard. Also, you don't need to be an "expert" on kinks and whatnot- it is not a subject like maths (or even psychology). Academically studying human sexuality is one thing and gaslighting yourself on your own sexual boundaries and relationship standards is another. You don't need to learn anything from outside in order to know your own body, heart and soul.
He told you because he wants to test you and he definitely hasn't "left it in the past". People don't just grow out of kinks and mindsets like these. Remember, actions count and not his words. You don't want to stick around for his future actions and sick fantasies.
Your English is great, by the way!
He's a porn sick cuckold. Avoid at all cost. Run. Also, block and delete.
Edited to add... He most likely wants you to "cheat on him" with other guys and tell you about it. That's also why he doesn't mind the relationship being long distance. He gets off on the fact you're with other guys, he loves the humiliation.
This guy isn't good news at all.
I stopped reading at polygamy stuff. Block and delete. I'm sorry this happened to you.
The term is cuckold. That’s his kink. The real question is if that could ever work for you in the future. If that’s his thing, he’ll likely request it from you in the future. Are you ok with that? If not, don’t invest more time in him
First, your writing and English is wonderful! I enjoyed reading your post and thank you for having the courage to post.
In my own opinion, that will be a block and delete for me. I will never risk my life for anyone like him or any man in general. Men like him might sexually traffic you, post porn videos of you online to benefit from, etc. him being kind and generous then to throw this in your face is really gross. It’s love bombing and a manipulation tactic to get you to trust him. Please protect yourself and your body. Reading this gave me a knot in my stomach and I can assure you that’s what you are feeling as well.
Your gut is telling you that this is not ok and wrong for you. I hope you make the right decision and please do not sleep with him. You don’t know how many diseases he has and if he will be recording you or not. That’s not a future partner or someone you want to have children with. I wouldn’t trust him around kids either.
Don't let his good treatment of you to overshadow his sick fetishes. He is likely trying to compensate you for all the messed up things he will want you to do. Messed up fetishes like cuckolding/BDSM/anal/etc. come from porn and mental issues. None of this is normal or healthy. It clearly makes you uncomfortable (as it should) and you should jump the ship before it escalates. If he is good to you now, you will be more inclined to accept it or give him a chance.
My alarm bells went off at this. Men who have an interest in any sort of polygamy-adjacent stuff are simply objectifying women, period. This doesn't even contradict his good treatment of you – you're his trophy at the moment. But abusers are known for knocking you off the pedestal as quickly as they put you on it. My ex had the same kink/fantasy of me sleeping with other men while he was the one who truly "owned" me or whatever. It was very disturbing. Listen to your gut on this.
If you're uncomfortable, then that's all you need to know about him: he makes you uncomfortable
And 7 weeks is a fairly short time to be dating before turning the conversation sexual -that's a big flag
Seven weeks in, and he moves away? Next. He’s no good, girl. Now he can have girls everywhere traveling to and fro to see. And he’s a sex weirdo who likes to be cuckolded. Do you want to have sex on film for him so that he can get off? You deserve better than this. Being alone is better than being with a creepy weirdo who will never be satisfied with just having sex with you. No, it’s gotta be some weird, amateur porn experience for him to see on video. No, no, and no.
Hi. Welcome. I know it's hard to share such personal things but we are here to support each other and all women.
@e.hennesey007 is right; you should trust your gut. If you find anything upsetting or hurtful in a man and try to brush it aside, it usually comes back later in some way, and then you ask yourself, "why didn't I just trust myself?"
You seem to really trust him and you say he has treated you well so far except for this disturbing part.
If you want to continue the relationship, my advice would be to hold out on sex with him. Don't do that until you are 1000% sure of him. And this may take months.
However, I myself would be afraid to sleep with him....you wonder if he is also recording the two of you.
In the end, don't do anything to put yourself at risk no matter how you feel about this man. Don't be afraid of losing a man. It's better to be alone and safe.
Block & delete are the only words you need here.
Think about what cuckolding is, it's a degradation fetish, he wants to be degraded by you, he wants you to be unfaithful. Does this sound like something a normal and mentally healthy human would wish to experience? He needs to quit porn and go to therapy not look for a girlfriend.
It seems people covered anything I'd say on that fetish, but I'd add that you should be sure he's tested for STDs if you decide to go against the advice to get out of there.
I dont have any relevant advice to give but I just want to say I have so much empathy for you right now. I am so sorry
Women cant even relax and enjoy being treated with respect because of this type of guys. Offering a woman everything she wants just to get her do things against her values is satanic