Commitment phobe calling his gf, 'wife' without wifing up

I think you might have hit the nail on the head. This is definitely a red flag.

Leaving room for them to arrive/ grow is important for you to find those friends. If you care about these friends, which it seems you do, then give your friendship some distance and be the model as to why you have those high standards. If they are meant to be near you, they'll be back when they understand or you can even reach back out during a time of need for them. I am lucky enough to have fairly FDS leaning friendships but I talk about it often and explain a lot of the reasons why, especially when validating their concerns/ issues (I usually start them on the podcast about having high standards and boundaries 😏). Also, your standards are supposed to be too high for lots of people because that's the point 👍, I personally like to explain why I have high standards bc I rather be alone and handle the ebbs and flows of life than settle for less and feel alone/ unhappy. My friends respect that and watching me struggle with this has helped them have higher standards for themselves and I'm slowly converting most of the people around me just by repeating pieces of the podcast or things I've learned. It's attracted better people, better energy, better relationships, but it also came with a lot of pushback, long discussions, lost relationships, grieving those losses, etc. Humor and reframing (there was a post recently about that I'd search for) goes a long way to avoid actual arguments bc remember that most people will get defensive since they've been taught to settle for less and to not reach for more bc it's not possible. She's probably trying to protect you from disappointment by accepting disappointment 😂, most of what people say or respond is projection and has nothing to do with you or how they feel about you.

I've been told my standards are too high also. I've also been told I'm too sensitive yet I also been told I'm too confrontational because I stand up for myself. I seem to be whatever society wants to label me when I'm not easy to controll. The reason we are finding too many low value friends is because society is normalising most types of abuse.

It is hard making friends. For sure - I moved to a new city 6 months ago and just so you know it takes at least 6 years to feel like you fit in a new place.

The hardest thing I have had to learn is few and better friends is a million times better.

I am becoming my own HVM by reading and re-reading the handbook. Being a Queen means learning to love my alone time and knowing how to enjoy myself. When unsure about friends re-listen to the FDS podcast on making friends. Often this can be found in the unlikeliest places but when you are doing what you love, like attracts like.

You have got this and a strong community behind you! 💪

What makes older people not want to get married as often?

Usually we’ve already been there, done that. Lots of divorced/widowed women find that life without a man is more peaceful and simpler. We are no longer nurses and/or purses, no longer caregivers. We usually have our own money, our own place to live, decorated just how we want it. We can come and go as we wish, eat what we want, wear whatever we want, and don't ever have to think of pleasing the male gaze. And again, marrying later means signing up for someone else's credit score and/or debt, their money management skills or lack thereof, and also usually someone else's kids. I don't have kids, never wanted any, damn sure don't want anyone else's. On top of all that, I'm an introvert. I live close to family and have friends and community so loneliness just isn't applicable. I'm my own best company and through my life, I've always left people to seek silence and solitude. When a woman has her own money and some education, she simply has more options about how she orders her life. We're more ourselves and unless we have learned nothing, we have higher standards about men and people in general. We're not afraid to speak our minds, say this is bullshit, and just walk away.

💯 Can confirm as an Xennial! Living with a man disturbs the peace and is draining. Divorces due to infidelity etc are major life stressors resulting in loss of money, home, friends, social status, ability to make solid plans, and the odds of subsequent divorces increase once we’ve already had the 1st divorce from when we married in our 20s/early 30s. Living solo is so amazing for women. I can’t imagine a man ever being able to compete with the joy and peace I experience in my home. So that’s the reason why so many 40+ divorced women are drawn to Living Apart Together arrangements. Think of Gwyneth Paltrow and Brad Falchuk - they each brought kids to their marriage and are intentionally not living together and going through the epic mess of blending their families. I really respect that choice.