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I see a lot of posts that go like this:
Dear FDS,
[Ten paragraphs of justification about how great a man is]
There is just one problem [insert heinous, deal breaker issue].
What do I do?
I have been guilty of this for many years myself. The way we tell our stories reflects our self worth and our confidence in our own judgment, which for me were severely impaired by almost every facet of living in a world that hates women.
I would feel the need to analyze men, feel shame over what they'd done and make excuses, hold space by giving them the benefit of the doubt, and write paragraphs about it all.
When you trust your judgement and your own inherent worth, your narrative begins to change. You cut to the issue quickly: he did that. I didn't like that. Is it a deal breaker?
Yes or no. You don't waste time on why. Who cares? What matters is how someone's behaviour makes you feel.
You one day realize that how nice a man is to you, how much of a gentleman he is, especially in the initial states of dating, doesn't mean anything and doesn't warrant a special dispensation for red flag behaviours.
I still analyze men out of habit at times and I still catch myself centring them in my narrative but it's getting better. The more my own self regard improves, the more I realize that it was always a self-harming, self negating exercise to centre them in the first place. I don't blame myself or any woman for this - we are told by society that we are nothing compared to men. Deprogramming ourselves is hard work, but necessary and rewarding. There is a whole world out there and inside of us that is ours, that does not focus on men.
Love it! No need to psychoanalyze men and their behaviors. I actually really like the idea of using black and white thinking here - am I okay with this or not?
The only barometer I need is my own happiness.
Is he making me feel happy, cherished, and secure? Or is he making me feel confused, frustrated, anxious, or upset? If it isn't always the former, then it's not something I stick around for. I don't second guess my own feelings about my own lived experiences anymore. Black and white thinking all the way.
Men have no problem doing this, because they center themselves in their lives. Women need to do the same. It makes things so much simpler, at no cost to one's dignity.
I feel one thing that helps most with this is just listening to women more. Be it on this forum, podcasts, videos (and in real life of course, but you don't always have FDS-aligned women around you). By sheer exposure I've learned to value the opinions and feelings of women more and those of men less. You start emotionally decentering men almost by accident when you just stop listening to them so much. We've all heard men's stories and thoughtpieces for our whole lives, where's the harm in tuning them out for a change? We're not really missing anything. Once you realize how little (basically no) value you actually lost by ignoring men more, it becomes even easier to just go "meh, whatever".
Yes! And if he does something you don't like in the early stages of dating, that should be even more telling because things can only get worse over time. If I've learned anything over the years, it's to trust my gut--if something feels bad, then it probably is. Why waste precious time typing out paragraphs of information trying to justify someone's behavior to internet strangers (and yourself) when you can simply move on and focus that time on yourself and feeling good again.
Well said! I needed to hear this today. I especially love everything in your last paragraph. I’m going to copy it down and make it a point to reflect on it all day today. Thank you
A reminder, ladies: The ONLY thing a woman needs to know is this--is she happy? Truly happy with the man and how he treats her? If the answer is NO, then the rest is easy. Dump him, block him, delete him and STOP WASTING TIME AND MENTAL ENERGY ON HIM.
Detaching and moving on is an act of self-love. Ruminating, wallowing and analyzing is self-harm. Choose.
DUDE!
It'll be like "He called me fat and DM'd my little sister for nudes but he did split his McChicken with me. HVM? What do I do??"
Just leave.
The answer is almost always "just leave".
I think there are good men out there who are loving and kind in a relationship, who do their best and aren't cruel. That's why I don't think women should settle for someone who is mostly okay but is still doing things that make you feel mistrustful or unwanted or upset.
You don't NEED a man around. Don't settle. Your peace and happiness come first.
Am I 100% happy is all you need to ask yourself.