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Over the past year and a half I've been on and off reading FDS, this time decidingly delving more into it. The common theme I see here is that many (if not most) LVM/NVM seem to have misogynystic tendencies. After an utterly awful short relationship with a guy, who completely broke me, I am slowly rebuilding myself by reparenting and healing myself. A partial way of doing that, for me, is to teach myself and believe that I was NOT the problem and that most men I dated, including this one, had issues. Upon reading FDS, I have started putting two and two together and realising that these men were possibly misogynystic, each in their own little twisted ways.
Now the problem I have is that, while I do understand the concept of misogyny and what it entails, I can't seem to actually grasp it. The easiest way to explain this might be that I just cannot imagine how someone can degrade a huge group of people for ... what, exactly, due to a societal idea that they are inherently worth less? I can't understand how men like this think, and I believe this is a problem for me, as I go into the though of "oh, no, this man couldn't possibly hate me this much for being a woman, that's just too out of this world, it must be something else", and then I start excusing the man's behaviour, usually to my own detriment (as if there is something wrong with me/I did something wrong).
Basically, because these men's thinking is so unfathomable to me, I project my humanity onto them and look for excuses for their behaviour. So what I'm hoping for is for someone to explain to me what exactly goes on in their heads. How can I actually understand the way they think so I can then recognize these men and red flags quicker and more clearly.
I hope this makes sense, I have tried to describe my issue as coherently as possible, but English is not my first language, so it's hard to describe such abstract things. Thank you all!
Be aware of that this will hurt. When you first realize how misogyny is fucking everywhere in society you will likely become a little depressed and infuriating. A lot of stuff you used to think was normal and healthy will look fucking horrible.
Just a heads up!
Start watching Princella Clark. She'll break it down the nature of males in a way you won't be able to unsee it.
Women project ther humanity, emphaty and kindness onto men. Men project their depravity onto women. Here you go.
I think they hate us to protect their privilege. Men have suppressed women for thousands of years, relegating us to child rearing and homemaking bangmaids. Culture and religion are two good examples of this. By keeping us suppressed it benefits them.
I also think this is why modern men are failing so badly, because now that women are fighting back they don’t know how to be decent self sufficient human beings.
"I can't understand how men like this think, and I believe this is a problem for me, as I go into the though of "oh, no, this man couldn't possibly hate me this much for being a woman, that's just too out of this world, it must be something else", and then I start excusing the man's behaviour, usually to my own detriment (as if there is something wrong with me/I did something wrong)."
I relate to this so hard. Sadly they are misogynistic because of culture/entitlement. Why Does He DO That ? Explains all the twisted benefits abusers get, which tie in with patriarchy. Compound this with how violence against women is often seen as "normal" and not actually a "hate crime."
someone posted this recently in a comment here an dI found it useful:
"Rules of Misogyny":
https://cdn-images-1.medium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/0*aoi6aZYHlmQ5pmtW.jpeg
I feel you. I am very empathetic and try to see the best in people as well, so it can be hard to wrap my head around on a personal level.
One thing that helped me, surprisingly, was watching Love Island (UK). In the early seasons the misogny was palpable, and it was hard to find anything likeable about the men. It was eye-opening seeing how men talk about women when they are not around, how they will say one thing to women and another thing behind their backs, how they will string women along until someone better comes along, how dishonest they are with women, how much they will rationalize their bad behavior, how they vilify women they supposedly cared for to justify cheating, and how much even the seemingly non-scrotey men will egg on and cover for each other's bad behavior.
Seeing that side of men that is usually hidden to me showed me that men always prioritize their pleasure over the feelings of others, feel their bad behavior is justified because it benefits them, and lie and manipulate women to get the outcome they want.
So it is not even so much about conscious hatred (though I am not discounting that) as it is about them treating us as objects to be manipulated purely for their benefit. Basically, you need to know that men do not recognize your humanity or see you as an autonomous agent. Consequently, they will be dishonest with you whenever they feel it is in their interest to be so, and their words and actions are calculated to get a desired reaction from you. You cannot assume they are genuine.
This is depressing to say but if you're talking about work or friendship groups, in my experience being accepted as part of a pack of women is literally one of the only ways you can get hostile men to leave you alone. Being one of the boys doesnt work and being a pickme doesn't work - in both cases you'll eventually get used- and being a loner doesn't work either, they'll see you as a target even when you've done nothing wrong.
Many men have a kind of respect for women with strong social skills though possibly because they think through them, they'll get access to other women. Not to mention they like it when you're pretty and happy and SMiLe and they're often so extremely stupid that they don't realise their behaviour is wearing you out and frightening you or making you miserable. They also don't understand women like men have a variety of personalities and however much contempt they have for you they get very offended by the idea you don't like them.
Look for female friends you have something in common with. Women aren't perfect especially when they haven't come to that realisation that misogyny is everywhere, but they will give you some protection.
There’s an amazing podcast called Breaking Down Patriarchy that goes over feminist texts throughout history. Highly recommend.
Womb envy
Listen to all the FDS podcasts to learn more about misogyny as well!!
if you're always trying to "stand under" it, you'll never "get over" it. honestly, i don't hink it's that deep. just take care of and always do what's best for yourself.