“But we have so much in common!”

I hear this a lot too and I like to respond to it with this question ... "Is it commonalities or is he mirroring you? Does he bring it up or does he respond with 'OMG me too!' when you bring it up?"

Gets them thinking, most of the time.

To me this is a very "teenage" (can't think of a better word right now) way of thinking. Yes, back then being into the same music, sports or actors may have mattered a lot and you couldn't have possibly imagined being with someone who liked the complete opposite.

But we're adults now. What does liking the same songs matter if you are not on the same page about having kids or not? What do shared hobbies mean if your morals and values do not allign in a fundamental question? And the other way round: Can't we happily overlook being into different music or sports when all other things allign?

I actually believe that it is very important NOT to share all hobbies and interests and to have things that are just yours, things that you don't do together and that you can enjoy independently from your partner or the relationship. Personally, bringing my partner along to my hobbies and having to engage with them about every thing I like sounds horrible. And - sorry not sorry - I hate how some of my friends only seem to exist in tandem with their partner if they are in a relationship and you can't do or enjoy a single thing alone with them anymore. No, love, your boyfriend of the week doesn't need to join our yoga class or book club just because he likes yoga and books, too.

My sister has a funny story about a creepy coworker who used to hit on her and pester her. One day when she finally told him to fuck off and that she didnt want to date him he pleaded "But we have so much in common. We both love Futurama!" To which my sister replied "I dont watch Futurama!" Lmao. The scrote was living a lie of his own making.

No, having interests in common is not the basis of a relationship. Especially when that common interest is just a tv show. Especially when he is mistaken, and she doesnt actually even like that tv show LOL

Much in common doesn’t mean much at all, and only alludes to similar life experiences and interests. It’s much more important like others have said to have shared values—including principles of how you should be treated in a r/ship. I may have much in common (in terms of education) with a male lawyer (many are literally sociopaths btw) doesn’t mean we have shared values. Many HV couples have divergent interests anyway. It tends to keep the mystery alive and keeps romance interesting.

I dated a NVM who would pick up hobbies from women he dated. And as soon as they break up he would abandon the hobbies and pick up new ones from the next woman. It was ridiculous. I didn’t click when I dated him cause I thought it was cute that he enjoys my interests and I had something to share with him. Until it clicked that he was picking up all my hobbies and he had none of his own to share with me.

Yesss thank you for this post!! This reminds me of a friend I used to be really close with. On the outside the marriage looked perfect and she seemed happy. Then one day we go get dinner and she starts telling me how she’s unhappy and spills all these things about their marriage. From what she was saying, they seemed super incompatible in regards to how they want their life style and home to look like. For example, he wanted a big mansion as a home. She wanted a nice cute sized home for just her and her family. He doesn’t enjoy eating out and would rather eat whatever’s at home. She enjoys going out to eat after a long day. I brought up the statement of incompatibility.. homegirl looked at me and told me that they are super compatible because “we like to go to raves together and do the same stuff when having fun!”. I literally looked at her and didn’t know what to say. Yes she’s married to him. Yes they have a kid together. Last I heard she’s unhappy and wants a divorce. Last I seen she was holding hands with him and showing affection. It’s too much for me so I had to drop her.

I completely agree. Shared values and respect for each other is much more important than shared hobbies or tastes. That's just a bonus.

Exactly right. It's nice to know someone who might be into the same interests as you do, but for a successful lifelong connection to thrive, there needs to be shared values, which are totally different things from shared interests. Values like what you truly believe in deep down, your spiritual viewpoints, how you feel about certain hot topics, what you actually want out of life... These are what should be considered into more so than interests.

I could meet one man today who's into all of the same things as I do right now, but if he's LVM, then it's always going to be a no go. Likewise if I meet an HVM the next day who might be into other things than I do, but shares values with me, then I'm going to be receptive in connecting with him romantically.

It’s a starting point and much like initial attraction, I personally don’t put much faith in just liking the same things. I want to see how they think. I want to see reasoning, and understand how they come to conclusions. I want to know what biases they have, if they’re aware of those biases, and how they deal with that, ie metacognition. I want to know what kind of heart they have, their ethics, morals, what makes them happy, what makes them angry, what makes them sad. I want to make sure they HAVE a full range of emotions and acknowledge that. To vet, though, watch body language and watch for tells. Narcs will tell you what you want to hear. People who are on the level will say things like “I don’t talk about that with people I’ve just met” which indicates they have boundaries and aren’t going to trauma bond. Get deep as soon as you can as it comes up naturally. It’ll tell you what you need to know.

All relationships take work. I watch make up videos on YouTube not because I am interested in makeup but so that I can talk about them with my best friend who is. I don’t mind makeup, but without her I wouldn’t be watching and trying tutorials and talking about them. I wand a man to being this kind of energy to me.

"We've got so much in common" like what, a pulse? A sex drive? NEAT. Speaking as someone who's super into music, I've learned not everyone who's super into music and your specific favorite band and your esoteric interest in the 15th century harpsichord is going to be your soulmate. You know how many people there are who like literally every interest possible? Dozens. Hundreds. It does not matter one iota if you don't have the same values and principles. Find a man with integrity.