Breaking up with BDSM: Help?

For much of my life I was into BDSM and dom/sub dynamics. After a lot of hard times, I finally started my level-up journey, and these days I cherish loving vanilla sex.

The biggest advice I have is that wanting to be submissive is a sign of low self-esteem. Once you feel confident, desirable, independent, and content, that appeal of sexually submitting to a man evaporates.

What we enjoy in bed very much reflects our psyche and sense of self. It’s not separate from daily life as many kink-positive people say. Put in the work to better yourself and be mentally and emotionally healthier, and the interest in BDSM will wane.

I can relate to you in some ways but I’m not sure if you’ll feel like we’re similar but I’ll comment anyway. I watched a lot of violent porn growing up, lots of rough, kinky, degrading scenes. That’s also the kind of sex I had (and the only type of sex I ever had until finding FDS and radical feminism) Along with the hair pulling, the spanking, the name calling, the choking. When I would masturbate, these are also the things I would think about. Truth be told, I am still trying to unlearn these things. Porn and BDSM have ruined my sexuality, conditioned my brain to get off to these horrible things. It’s very difficult to undo. I first had sex when I was 19, for a year, I was very…. I don’t want to use the word “wild” I think I’ll say, I was troubled. Doing drugs, letting random men who didn’t give a fuck about me actively hurt me. My first time ever doing anal was through rape. Kept going back to them and they’d hurt me more. A lot of bad, bad shit happened to me during that year. I realized recently that I was using these men as a way to self harm. I hated myself. I blamed myself. For years, I was so angry and ashamed at myself for letting this happen. Thankfully, I met an amazing man when I was 20 and we’ve been together coming up on 3 years. He doesn’t watch porn, thinks it’s disgusting. And has never participated in rough sex. When we first met, I would beg him to slap me or hit me because that’s all I knew and he would shake his head and say “no, I could never hurt you.” and hug me. At the beginning, I would think he was “boring” or a “prude” or whatever. And I did miss the intensity of the sex (aka ABUSE) I suffered before. But that’s what it was, literally abuse. Trauma was being done to my body. Adrenaline’s pumping, emotions are high. Sorry I’m about to say some cheesy shit, but my boyfriend and I don’t just have sex, we don’t fuck. We actually make love. I always thought that was a cringey thing to say before experiencing it myself. I’m actually tearing up thinking about it, because I feel so good when I’m with him. He makes me feel so beautiful, so safe, so loved, so cared for. He would never hurt me. He loves me so much. And I can’t imagine being naked or vulnerable, or letting someone inside me, without this level of love or commitment ever again. Absolutely never again. I will never be with a man who gets off to abusing his partner. I look at them like they’re monsters now. I don’t remember what episode of the podcast it was, but the Queens were discussing different kinks and the “praise kink” popped up and one of them said “so….they’re literally just being nice to you?? This is a kink??” I don’t have any advice for you, besides it’s a process. Maybe therapy would be helpful for you but it personally isn’t for me. I’m on my own journey, I journal lots, I have lots of deep conversations in my head, I reflect. I read. I recommend Louise Perry’s The Case Against The Sexual Revolution and Gail Dines’ Pornland. Excellent reads that I think would really help you, as they’ve helped me. Good luck my friend. You’re in the right place :)

BDSM is abuse. In my opinion choking, slapping, spanking, name calling, facials, cumshots, hair pulling, deepthroating etc. are all degrading and abusive. Many of these are considered rough sex and BDSM, but I consider it to be degrading. I haven’t participated in these acts or BDSM, but from an outsider looking in…I couldn’t imagine someone who genuinely loved me would want to do those things to me. A guy who respects you will not make you do any of that even if you want to do it. Plus, most men would never do half of these things that they make and coerce women into doing. These things are certainly NOT empowering for women at all. I believe women who have respect for themselves do not participate in BDSM/rough sex acts or they quit doing them. I am proud of you for taking baby steps on quitting BDSM. Best of luck to you

Congratulations on breaking up with your bf! That’s a step in the right direction. Secondly, start doing therapy and healing yourself. You will understand why you’ve been wanting to be treated this way and find a pattern and yes this is probably from past traumas or your childhood. Work on that and heal it. I was like you but more reserved. I was rebellious and very restricted at home that I wasn’t even allowed to talk to any boys at school and had an arranged marriage at a very young age but my sex drive was extremely high and I didn’t know what to do with myself. I started watching the stupid movies about BDSM thinking that’s what’s hot and what I’m missing. But I always hated how it made me feel and I didn’t like that feeling of getting hurt or the violence in men’s eyes. I’ve only had 3 relationships in total. One was with my ex husband and he was thankfully vanilla but emotionally and verbally Abusive and the other with two I dated but they were behind screwed up and I didn’t notice until later on. Thankfully I left them without a lot of damage done to me because I kept doing therapy and through therapy my doctor worked with me on everything. I haven’t had sex in over a year now and honestly it’s been great just working on myself and if I imagine anything on my own , it’s very loving, sweet, Passionate and beautiful. It feels great to visualize that and live it in my head. Now that’s all I would want from my future partner.

BDSM is self harm through sex. Usually caused by Child hood trauma. The cope in the community is borderline gaslighting. Some sources: Sexual self harm: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/31725334/ Trauma and Sadomasochism: https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S1158136021000888 "Results The results confirmed that childhood abuse, especially sexual, increases sadomasochistic tendencies. These increases varied by gender such that abused males exhibited more sadistic preferences and females more masochistic. Levels of sadism and masochism varied with history of abuse and gender. The analyses also resulted in triple interactions for both masochism and sadism, as well as in several simple effects. There were no gender differences for heavy masochism and passive sadism, however, light masochism was more prominent in females, and heavy and light sadism was found more commonly in males. Additionally, the presence of any form of abuse was connected with significantly higher heavy, light and passive masochism and sadism. Conclusion Differing types of childhood abuse, as well as gender, affect sadomasochistic preferences in adulthood, and the magnitude of these preferences."

I know a thing or two about being bored with vanilla sex. I was never into BDSM per se, but I did watch porn as a teenager, and it influenced my sexuality and what I thought was "hot". Like, lots of different positions, extreme moaning, dirty talk, slapping, jackhammering, etc. It's not easy to get rid of those images in your head. My "intermediate step" was actually thinking about the soft porn I saw on TV which was generally very tame but had still excited me at some point, lol. Just slowly reducing the amount of extreme stimulus. Over time, your brain adapts, but it takes a while. Best of luck to you. It's good that you're "waking up" now. Don't expect change overnight, give yourself time. ETA: also if you've experienced truly loving sex with someone you have a deep emotional connection with, you don't actually want to go back. You might still have intrusive thoughts and images in your head sometimes, but you actually want to be present for the vanilla lovemaking instead, and it will be easier to redirect your focus. I never thought it could be this way but sex with my partner has been very healing for me.

I've been on a similar journey as you (in some ways still on it as far as healing from past abuse).

For me, I was partially attracted to the Dom/sub thing because, like you, I wanted to feel "precious, cherished, carefree, and protected and taken care of". The other part was this idea that if I was just submissive enough, if I just gave enough, if I just debased myself enough, a guy would want to be that for me. Obviously that led to some exploitative situations.

When I finally found FDS and started showing myself more love and respect, and holding men who I let into my life to higher standards, I found a guy who does make me feel precious, cherished, carefree, protected, and taken care of. And part of the reason he was attracted to me was because it actually felt like he had to earn his place in my life.

He also used to be more into the "bdsm community", like me, but also like me over time started to realize the problems you pointed out with it. He didn't see other men like him who genuinely care for their partners and want to be a protector/provider and see their partner succeed. Seeing all the women post "is this okay?" stories of abuse just skeeved him out.

We are still a little Dom/sub, but really just in ways that involve him taking responsibility for things so I don't have to worry about them. It's kinda like the post/podcast from a while ago where the woman was posting about her Dom being so great because he just has his life together and she doesn't have to manage/mother him haha

He still takes the lead in our sex life, and I do like that because honestly it helps me relax. There's still a mix of soft touches and rougher touches because that contrast can be really sensual. We still do shibari because I like someone taking the time to pay attention to me in such a detailed way, I like the feelings of the ropes grazing over my body, and I like that I get to just lay back and enjoy it (and he likes studying it). But I've told him some of the things I did in the past and his response was "wtf I could never imagine doing that to someone I cared about, those men hated you". Importantly, we don't have 2 personas like the kink community likes to talk about. You shouldn't be feeling degraded during sex than have to convince yourself he's a nice guy after.

So, I don't know, maybe I'll get downvotes, but I don't think you have to give up all your preferences. Just carefully examine which ones come from a good place. And I definitely don't think the "bdsm community" is where you'll find a good guy.

I support you sis. I’m coming out of something similar, and while I don’t have the mental space to type it all out right now; just know that I went through the same thing. From wanting to be treated preciously,

to putting up with physical impact “play” so that I could have that precious treatment. Then my body becoming reactive at a cellular level to it all. They really do claim that bdsm is a standard treatment for bad mental health, and I fought hard against this until I couldn’t anymore and ended up succumbing to the peer pressure. I’m on the other side now and it’s very beautiful to be treated preciously simply because you deserve it. Aftercare should be like ..how were treated.

First of all, sex work is not work. Period.

As someone who has always been into the kinky scene, I relate a lot to you. Yes, most kinksters are losers. They encourage age gap relationships and abuse. Most women are pick mes, too.

I'm still into kinky sex tho I know fds is anti bdsm , but I do think you can find your balance between some kinky sex and a healthy relationship. I'm not into fwbs or poly or casual sex. I'd like to find some balance.

Wanted to give you all an update 7 months later!

I've made so much progress and come so far. I now no longer have the desire for anything degrading or painful. Do I desire more aggressive s*x and a more dominant partner, yes, but it's more like what I described that fits into the strong, healthy masculinity category, not the awful painful stuff I was doing before. I learned how freaking dissociated I had to be to endure it, and have learned how to feel what my body wants and needs, and set strong boundaries. I am also feeling much less compulsive with seeking a partner - I can kind of be my own partner for the first time in my life. In the meantime I am loving myself more than ever! I know the universe has been waiting for this moment my whole life and is so ready to respond accordingly!! This forum and its wisdom are a godsend. Thank you so much ladies

Why would an act as important as sex which is to bring new human life into this world need to be degrading and painful? Hmm? Why would anyone want the soul that's about to crossover into this realm come into a womb that's been battered and abused? Is that a safe place?