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A few days ago the man I’d been dating for a total of seven months, five of which we were exclusive, broke up with me.
I have had several boyfriends and never have I ever had man as gentle, sweet, and genuinely caring. We only dated for seven months, so I can’t say for sure that he was HV, however, he definitely didn’t act low value. We first met on OkCupid and hit it off. The big things matched: he is hot, we’re both childfree, we both have the same faith, we both had similar morals/values, we’re both college educated, we both have interesting hobbies that overlap, our personalities complimented one another, we both are in good places with our finances, and, most importantly, we shared the same long-term goals. Awesomely enough, he even listens to the podcast. (He brought it up, too, which had made me like: uh oh, is he a neckbeard? But nope! He suggested I listen to it because I’d probably like it!)
On paper and in real life, he and I got along great. We genuinely loved one another. However, recently both of our jobs became more demanding. Mine has started to send me on trips to where I can be gone for up to a month straight while his job is planning to send him to a different state for two years starting in the summer. And while we tried long distance (care packages, face timing, letters, calls), the distance was hard on both of us. By the time I was getting back into town this weekend after a month, I knew that I couldn’t go on like this. It made me miserable to go from amazing dates like adults-only skating, museums, concerts, zoos, aquariums, fairs, even once build a bear, and just a bunch of thoughtful, romantic dates paid for and planned by him all ending and being replaced by facetimes where we mostly just talked about how much we missed one another, work, and about the book series we were reading together. (Which we both are avid readers and while some couples have tv shows they watch together, we had books we read together.)
So I get into town and he made reservations for us to go to dinner at a place we both love. I get there and he’s already there at a table with our drinks ordered because he knows what I like to drink. I was upset I’d had all these feelings of breaking up and so instead of inhaling the food like usual, I was picking at it. He kept glancing at my food and it was such an obvious “he knew that I knew that we were over” moment. Then he grabbed my hand and he is normally so warm, but he was ice cold and I interrupted him by whispering, “not here.” And he listened, both of us sighing. It was like... surreal. But we just had to look at each other and we understood. We finished dinner and he walked me back to my car where he privately broke up with me. He listed the reasons: the distance, the fact we weren’t there yet to do something as drastic as move in or change careers for the other, and that while our long-term was compatible, our short-term wasn’t. I just nodded my agreement. We were both miserable and lonely and it wasn’t a good situation, even though being together was amazing.
He didn’t cry until I pulled out a bag full of gifts I had bought that made me think of him while I was traveling (stupid stuff like crickets and cow shaped chocolate mints) and then he started bawling and apologizing and it made me cry, too. I had him come back to mine one last time, not for sex, but just to cuddle and finish off our last day together in each other’s arms reminiscing. And then at midnight we parted ways. After he left I called my sister and she took care of me all of the next day because I was a mess.
It was unfortunate and we were both sad to have the relationship end, but our lives were taking us down completely different paths from one another. There was no cheating, anger, manipulation, abuse, betrayal nor anything remotely bad which is objectively a good thing, but it’s making it hard for me to want to move on. In the case of all of my other exes, if someone asked me if I’d ever get back together with them I’d full heartedly say NO because there was always something bad that triggered the break up. But with my most recent ex? This genuinely feels like a case of right person, wrong time and we left on good terms. I’d feel comfortable trying again in a few years, but I feel like dating an ex is a bad idea. So I’m incredibly conflicted and angry at the world. It doesn’t feel fair that such a healthy, loving relationship was nipped in the bud. I saw such an amazing, happy future with him yet circumstances out of our control drove us apart.
I had a therapy appointment this morning to help facilitate healing and growth as I go through this. We made a plan for me to follow weekly with homework like books and assignments and I think it will help a lot, but I’m still crushed my relationship is over.
So what do you ladies think? Did this break up sound healthy to you? Do you believe in right person, wrong time? Would you give an ex who broke up on good terms another chance?
Look, he ended it, which gives you the freedom to move on and date others. He's gone for 2 years. If he ends up working near you in the future, perhaps you can meet up and see if he wants to rekindle things. But don't hold yourself back from living your best life.
Sorry for the breakup. He sounds great. But remember he did say that the relationship is not at the point where he would give up his career for you, or move to the same state as you. And he does not expect you to do the same because the relationship is not there yet. So despite how amazing it may be, don’t forget he’s telling you that he does not love you enough to do any of these things for you. He also does not think that he has proven himself worthy for you to do any of these things for him - so do not go back to him or compromise in any way.
Propose* not people. Sorry, typing on my phone, the text gets slowed and delayed and it’s a nightmare hence all the errors:/
I’m so sorry you Are going through a breakup. I hate heartbreaks!!! I’m glad you have support and were treated with dignity and respect. as far as the future don’t feel like you have to be ready for what’s next. Losing people we love hurts. you never know what the future holds. The ball is in his court and space and time can be very clarifying. I feel break ups are a ‘can’t do this now’, and in my experience where nothing was ‘wrong’ space can help someone really miss another person in their life and push them to commit. Or you might find Prince Charming the second. you found this guy, good people exist. I don’t know how much this helps but I really don’t consider any couple ‘over’ until at least one gets married. Bfs and gfs break up and get back together all the time. My mom and dad are an example, also my ex I loved most broke up with me (respectfully) and came back a year later and I was seeing someone. Then a year after that and I was seeing someone. Only thing Id say is keep your standards high. I personally now having missed opportunities for men I didn’t marry an antI-boyfriend (Not saying anyone else has to be). But I think staying open until someone proposes is best for me, because in a relationship it’s like you give your heart 100 percent but people can move and then heartbreak. Maybe this guy needs to be by himself to realize he doesn’t want to be alone and people. I promise these things have happened.
a friend of mine actually went out with a guy who had a gf who wouldn’t have sex before marriage. He respectfully stopped dating my friend to get back with that ex and go all in with her.
I actually think that both men and women realpy start to crystallize their relationship when the person is gone. So the one thing I advise is to Let him miss you. Hugs girl xoxoxo you never know what the future holds, you’re worth all he did for you and any guy would be lucky to do the same with you. This guy might wake up one day and not want to let that happen. He sounds smart.
Thank you for sharing this. Finding a HVM feels like finding a needle in a haystack, and it can be tempting to uproot your life to maintain a relationship with one. You displayed a key FDS virtue: do not center your life around a man. HVM or not. I haven't read many of these posts, and they are crucial for learning. Know that while this may feel like a loss, you "won" the experience of keeping your crown and will be able to discern if the next man is a HVM even quicker. I'm thrilled to hear you are using therapy to process this and healthfully morn/close this chapter of your life. Great choice! This--what you did in letting him go and are doing now to process this relationship--is being a "Queen." Being a Queen isn't only banquets (dates) and facncy gowns (the glow up). It's building walls (healthy boundaries), breaking alliances (bye-bye pickmes!), and protecting your palace (peace). Some days your crown will feel heavier than others, but we all must remember no man--HVM or not--is worth losing your throne. Well done! I wish you the best as you move forward. Again, thank you for sharing.
I’m so sorry, I went through something similar except the HVM was a self admitted illusion (he lied about himself to get close to me out of shame and I had to leave) but this is a different kind of pain and I admire your endurance!How have you been lately?
I'm sorry, it definitely sounds like right person, wrong time. Timing is everything for relationships to launch or fail to launch. At this point in your breakup recovery I would say- don't think about getting back together with him. AT ALL. These kinds of relationships are bc of timing, and you will grow a lot as a person separately from him, and he will grow too. If you hinge your growth on the hope of getting back together with him, you will be limiting the abundance in your life bc you'll be hung up on what you could have had with him/reconnecting with him. You need to move on fully and disregard him as a romantic option and hold to not reconnecting with him. He ain't the one- he coulda been, but you both decided not to, so he ain't it sis.