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Hi there,
I am wondering if any of you have "must ask" questions before agreeing to a date?
So far here are mine:
Do you live alone? (Usually, if they have pets I will casually ask 'so it's just you and *pet name*? this weeds out guys that still love with moms, roommate situations or worse, guys with open relationships).
What do you do for a living? (Opens conversation about work situation, if they liked their job etc. I only swipe right on guys with their jobs listed on their profiles anyway but this is a good conversation topic regardless).
What are you looking for? (I am now making this a mandatory question for myself as I don't want to waste my time anymore on guys looking for ONS/casual - which are never listed on their profiles since I wouldn't swipe right if they had).
Curious to know what else I should make mandatory or if anyone has any tips for vetting?
I would avoid "what are you looking for," as usually men will lie to get sex. It also encourages them to then ask you this question, and if you respond honestly you will divulge info that can be used to manipulate you. Approaching unknown men online as good faith negotiators is not recommended.
The best strategy is to make casual conversation and let him lead, then observe carefully. You will glean more info from this approach than from an overt fact finding mission.
That said, I would suggest you consider not wasting your time with online dating. Its primary use is for men to get laid in the most convenient way possible. It is inherently low value and will produce low value results. The women who have success and meet wonderful partners have effectively won the lottery, and this false hope keeps a lot of women exposing themselves to a virtual snake pit for no reason at all.
I saw a TikTok that made everything make sense....
"Just want to go with the flow/have fun and see where things go/casual but open to the right person" - he's only wants a situationship and will waste your time
"I like a woman who doesn't take herself too seriously/I don't take myself too seriously" - he's not looking for a relationship and will be annoyed at you for asking for anything "no drama" - he is the drama and will gaslight you
"I'm new in town" - don't bother he's not ready
"not looking for a pen pal" - male entitlement, doesn't handle rejection well, probably has a temper, will pester you
*list of things he doesn't want in a woman* - bad attitude and/or male entitlement, best avoided "let's get coffee, tacos, sushi, go for a walk and have fun" - low effort, playing the field, and/or cheap
I'm big on "let them tell on themselves". I find that just talking normally with most men yields a lot of info. I have never been actively looking to date in my life but that is just what I've observed from men. Wait for them to let their guard down and feel comfortable talking to you and they will serve you their red flags on a silver platter.
“What are your hobbies?”
If they mention video games immediately, or they don’t have hobbies, that’s a no from me. (No hobbies still means video games and porn.) You might have your own dealbreaker answers to that question.
I ask about podcasts or smth like this to quickly filter out the ones listening to Joe Rogan, Jordan Peterson, Andrew Tate or similar nonsense.
Also about social media - Reddit, Snapchat are red flags, but also completely no social media at all.
For a while I found it useful to ask about most controversial opinions - all kinds of crap you can learn that men think is ok to say out loud