Bare minimum standards for dating in New York: eliminate the cheapskates

I hear you. I accepted coffee dates in my 20s, and it makes my stomach turn as well. Never again!

Yikes, especially with the Chinese restaurant!

Most men do not consider a woman's comfort or safety on a day-to-day basis. It’s one thing if he did not know about the conditions in/around the restaurant when he planned the date, but if he insists on making you walk through sketchy neighborhoods or hike through gravel to eat at a restaurant of his choosing, then he is LV, no question about it.

Relationships are transactional to a degree, both people should be contributing in a manner. there should also be love, of course, but practicality matters too. I feel like when people say “relationships aren’t transactional“, it’s often making the burden fall on women, because due to the societal standards for beauty placed upon us and the fact that we do have kids, we are generally doing more.

i think it can be summed up as saying that you shouldn’t date a rich guy who you don’t love, that’s miserable, but it’s also fair to reject a guy who doesn’t meet your more “cold and practical“ standards. You can have both.

Of course they should. I do expect my partner to reciprocate, and I would still advise women to insist the man

pay

for dates because we want to make sure he'll put his money where his mouth is. It's just this idea of giving myself away to the highest bidder which seems sort of dehumanizing to me. I want a man to demonstrate effort, sure, but there's a lot of things that go into that, not just how much the dinner costs.

Agreed, I don’t think OP said she’ll take any rich man based off of money alone though. Juat that his income has to be up to par with the lifestyle she wants in a high COL area. If she had said “I’ll date the richest man, no matter what”, that’s different.

My thoughts exactly. I also take about two hours to shower, dress, and put on makeup for a date. If the duration of the date is shorter than the amount of time I spend to get ready, then it’s a crap date.

Why don't u just move to a less expensive state and WFH

Accepting a drink date is highly pick-me, though it's not your fault if you've accepted them in the past. Most men who ask women out on drink dates are practically frothing at the mouth to have sex right away. Many will become resentful or openly hostile if you consume more than 1-2 drinks and still refuse to have sex with them. Ask me how I know. Drink dates are a losing game for women.

Thank you for clarifying that. If you bump into a dude and offer a drink I should say no too?

It depends on the context. Ultimately, you should never agree to a drinks date. If the man who bumps into you is a complete stranger, say no to the drinks date. That should be easy enough. If the man who bumps into you is a classmate or coworker you are not interested in dating, perhaps you can tell him you're busy, you'll let him know when you'll be available, etc., and never follow up. Cordial avoidance is key. If the man who bumps into you is someone you'd like to date, perhaps you can say, "I think dinner would provide a better opportunity for us to get to know each other." However, FDS advises against suggesting dinner when the man has asked for drinks, so I'm not entirely sure what the right answer is in this situation.

Exactly. Not everyone here will be exactly the same, and we prohibit standard shaming for a reason. I can understand someone wanting to lash out if someone here actually shamed standards (not that it is ok) because a lot of us have been invalidated and discounted over the years for wanting the bare minimum in a man. But taking it out on random women here doesn't solve our past experiences of being treated like a doormat or what have you. I hope she comes around and is ok...

I agree in theory and I also prefer coffee dates, but I’ll be honest I learned the hard way men who take you on coffee dates just aren’t serious. It’s usually a sign they serial date. The only successful dates I’ve ever had were dinner dates. Now that I’m older I just can’t bring myself to waste the time.

1. I don’t think a woman should date AT ALL until she is comfortable leaving a date without apology. Or telling a man that asks her to split that check, “No, you invited me.”

If you are only comfortable going on coffee dates, you shouldnt be dating and you need to get some hobbies and develop your vetting skills.

2. The women who advocate coffee dates/walks like the ”ease” of a coffee date…but dating is not easy and finding a good partner is not easy. If you are a woman that doesn’t want to put in effort, then don‘t date. But coffee dates are a waste of time. Also, it makes no sense that you don’t want to sit across someone for a nice dinner but you DO want to for coffee.

3. It IS about the money. When a man dates you, he is showing you what he can and what he wants to offer you. Especially if you are a woman who did not grow up at least middle class, do NOT let anyone shame you for your financial standards.

4. The OP never once said that HV means money or that a man taking her for a nice dinner means he is HV. Just that she has financial standards that are intentional so that she can maximize her future and that of her children. But I am with OP and if a man is HV but low earning, it’s a no for me. If a man is high earning and LV, it’s a no for me as well.

5. Final point. I have neutral feelings about men that have taken me on nice thoughtful dates. But I get the ick when I think of the men who were cheap/coffee date types. At least on the dinner dates, I got to have a nice meal.