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wanted to share something i'm currently going through. after months of dating, i have ended a relationship with a man who i thought was high value.
on the surface, i thought i'd finally found someone who met my standards:
he took initiative to plan and pay for all our dates and vacations
he lavished gifts on me and my family
he had a good well paying career and worked in a position of leadership in his company
he always made sure i was taken care of physically
however, i started seeing red flags and incompatibilities.
he became controlling and got upset when i didn't do things his way
when we had conflict, he would say things that put me down and invalidated my feelings
he started to say disrespectful things and make vulgar jokes
when i called him out on these things, he ridiculed me for having a bad sense of humor
he pressured me to overstep some of my boundaries, even the simple ones
even though he continued to make sure that all of my physical needs were taken care of, i still felt emotionally drained and unfulfilled. i started to realize that what i needed much more than his superficial catering is genuine support, gentleness, understanding, and attention to my feelings. these things are literally the bare minimum.
i was so blinded by his seemingly high value traits on paper that i overlooked a lot of the red flags that started to come out. i should have left at the first sign of disrespect, and honestly if i didn't know about FDS, i probably would have stayed in this unhealthy relationship a lot longer than i should have.
this is a reminder to always vet ruthlessly. as your relationship progresses, ask yourself:
does he fulfill you mentally?
do you feel emotionally safe when you are with him?
when you have disagreements, is he still supportive and showing care for you?
does he respect your boundaries?
is his behavior something that you would tolerate in the early stages of dating?
if your answer to any of these is no, then the relationship is not worth your suffering and you mental health. continue to vet ruthlessly even months and years into the relationship.
So proud of you! Well done for paying attention, even if it was a little bit later.
Storytime: About a year ago, I was talking to a man on OLD and he asked me what kind of workouts I do. I told him that I lifted weights, but that currently I was focusing on squats because I hurt my arm and neck. So while I fixed that injury, I could only do lower body work.
His response: you must have a nice ass. I'm a butt guy!
And I know it's a small thing, but my first thought was that he just ignored the fact that I was injured. He didn't offer condolences or "oh, I've been there and it sucks". His only focus was objectifying me and making his pp happy. And I knew that he would never be emotionally supportive towards me.
That man got an instant block and delete.
Absolutely! I went through a horrific discard from an ex last year that left me with PTSD, I didn’t see the signs, but I remember having a panic attack shortly after I moved in. My therapist said our bodies sometimes know before we do because we are always picking up on more things than we can process on a conscious level. Always pay attention to those gut feelings, ladies. Even if they make NO sense.
It feel likes we’re all going through the same things at the same time! I saw another post this other day I related to and now this one. It’s so true. It’s more like big gestures to show off to everyone and make himself feel like a good man big shot, but I faced the same red flags regarding selfishness, criticism, invalidation and boundary pushing.
As I said many times, let's make sure to differentiate between low-value men who pay and high-value men. This is why dating is a process. If we needed a guy who'd pay for stuff, we would all have 7. I want a loving, caring, adventurous partner who is enthusiastic and generous enough for me to feel comfortable in my feminine energy. I'm still happy to grab him coffee without him asking me to, bring him cool gifts from my trips or just for no reason, possibly contribute what I find comfortable for some of the travel (say, pay for an activity or two and let him cover accommodation, most of the commute, all meals + drinks...) It's about affection and reciprocity after all, not making sure you never spend a dollar in a relationship.