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Growing up, I was conditioned to believe that being someone's "girlfriend" was a desirable status for a young woman--something that could lead to marriage.
In my 30s, I feel the title of "girlfriend" has become an insult, as most men do not take "girlfriends" seriously and often ridicule them behind their backs. Based on what I've seen, women tend to take girlfriend responsibilities seriously, while men tend to view girlfriends as placeholders.
Increasingly, I think that if a man (even a marriage-minded one) asked me to be his girlfriend, I would say no and explain that I'm single until I'm married. I'm not sure if this is a good strategy, though, as it might seem jarring to the man.
Questions for 30-plus women in the U.S.:
How do you feel about being referred to as a "girlfriend"?
If a man asked you to be his girlfriend, would you explain that "girlfriend" is not a desirable title and that you're single until you're at least engaged?
I gotta say, growing up religious saved me a lot of trouble. Dating was just not an option and it comes after a guy is engaged to you. Since my teenage years I was so unimpressed by the title gf (for myself). So I totally understand this perspective! In my home country being someones gf is something you do secretly as a teen, being a gf past the age of 19 is just rude, for the reasons you described.
I would totally say this from the get go so there is no time wasted. If I was asked why, I would simply say I dont have the time to invest that kinda energy into something that doesnt mean much to me. I am serious about it and I want the other person to be. They cant reallyyy manipulate you to stay because they have to commit to a title. He cant pretend to be married, he has to actually do it. Its easier to fake a bf/gf relationship. Though, you have to have rules in place for the engagement period. Personally, its (based on my faith and personal reflection) nothing physical, not living together, no kids, no shared finances, no excessive time spent together, etc. Basically, its more the guarantee that we are exclusive now and I am willing to invest everything necessary into the marriage we are going to have later. Its also for getting to know the person properly and vetting them ruthlessly. Its the set up for the actual relationship.
I hope this answers your question!
I guess I don't really mind it but then I'm also not actively dating and not looking to get married. So at this point I'm really feeling the Female Strategy part of FDS. If I level up every aspect of my life and I'm happy, and *then* a HVM happens to cross my path, then maybe, but for now I don't plan on being partnered. I don't see much value in it, personally. Women I know who are dating or married seem to be constantly running around, tired, and miserable with their mostly useless partners, and I don't want to attach myself with a ball and chain. Nope. In my pick-me 20s I was somewhat desperate at times and subjecting myself to such nonsense but in my 30s, especially with all the stuff going on in the world, I simply cannot be bothered to do anything that I do not want to do (besides have a job, lol). And even that I'm scheming so I can work less and get more, or at least give me more time to do leisure and hobbies.
I don’t mind being referred to as someone’s girlfriend, maybe because anyone I date knows that I’m not dating for shits & giggles, I’m dating for marriage. The term girlfriend does sound juvenile but I don’t worry too much about it. If he won’t take me seriously while being called his girlfriend, he won’t take me seriously as his fiancé or wife either. No amount of commitment will make a man’s character different IMO. He either has it or he doesn’t.
In so far as single until marriage-I understand the concept but it’s not desirable to me personally. I think using the commitment of a relationship IS a vetting strategy. Also I think that if you’re still seeing other men, how is it possible to spend enough time with the man before you get engaged to him? To be totally honest-I don’t have enough time or energy to develop deep, meaningful, intimate relationships with multiple men at once. Plus, I think even a HVM would have legitimate cause for concern about your intentions with single until marriage.
I guess at the end of the day, single until married for me is an interesting concept but not realistically feasible. Hope it works out for you though!
Sorry OP I'm not in the US but I've lived there and live in a Western country with similar dating culture.
I share your sentiment.
I'd allowed a girlfriend title for 6-12 months, then an engagement must follow. That's just me. I like your idea of single until married, I'm afraid it will share off men. Maybe that's my pickme mentality.
I actually prefer the title of “girlfriend,” because the juvenile nature of it reminds men that women are not tied to them. I’ve been dating a guy for a year, and I refer to us as boyfriend/girlfriend.
My pet peeve is the incredibly liberal use of the word “partner”! It’s a manipulation to make a relationship sound serious when you’re just a live-in forever-girlfriend.
Stay his girlfriend, and make it clear that this status is fragile and temporary, so he’d better prove he’s marriage material and propose within 1-2 years, otherwise you’ll dump him.
I don't find it insulting but It gives a vibe that he's not serious and wants the privilege of the husband but not the devotion. I prefer partner for life or wife.
I'm not from US, but I'll comment anyway, I'm in my 30s as well and from Europe.
I don't see a girlfriend-status itself as an insult. But it does become one when the title is girlfriend but you are expected to give wife-services. Being girlfriend and having a boyfriend (in my language we have more mature terms describing adult's so it doesn't have a same teen-like ring in it) is a test-period of the relationship. There is rules we have agreed and we both respect. This means I'm not single and not actively looking anything else, BUT I'm not officially off-market until we come the conclusion this is exactly what we want, we want to build future together and live our lives together. It get's serious when engaged and married. Before that, we are concidering if this is the one or not.
Being a girlfriend means for me to have a good time together and being loyal to the rules of our relationship. But I won't make too big plans and I prioritize living for myself. When engaged and married, then it's not about me anymore, but about us. Before that, everything in my own life is about me.
I don't think there can be any universal time-line how long this test-period can take. For me personally I think it's about 3 years. I have now been with my bf 2,5 years and just recently I have started to think about more if he could be The One for me. And when I start to be sure about my side, I'll notify him about it and after that he of course might need to have some time for his conclusion, I don't expect his thinking-process to be exactly in sync with mine. Of course giving time doesn't mean to wait forever, this is critical for not ending up forever-gf.
I don't want to rush, since I have already been married once, and I'm not taking it slightly. My first marriage ended for a reasons there were no possible compromises and before divorce I can honestly say I tried my everything. It was really a hard decision, we were so young when we started to be together and after a decade we grew and ended up wanting opposite things what comes to a big choices in life and dreams. There was no possibility where other one wouldn't have to shatter their biggest dreams. When I marry, I'm serious and then I won't leave until it's really the only option. (Well.. obviously no ring nor marriage would ever prevent instant leaving if there's cheating or violence of any kind) That's why it's not only about when a man is ready to commit, it's also about if I'm ready for it. And before knowing that I need to be sure we are sharing goals in life and I don't think it's even possible to know these things too fast.
My main point is this: You need to find a man who's life goals and big dreams are enough similiar as yours so you can have a full life as a team. Marriage is about building life and future together and for that you need a partner who wants same things than you want. Even if a man is crazy about you and ready to marry you very soon, ready to give you everything... The relationship is not balanced if you or him have to sacrifice too big dreams for it. So before that, you must have a test-period called girlfriend/boyfriend. Quick commitment quickly becomes a prison if after couple of years you find out other one wants to live in a country side while other's dream life is a modern city life. Or worse, other one wants to have kids but the other has never felt it natural to be a parent. If differences are not too big, there can be compromises and both be happy but if dreams are opposites, it would always mean other one to be unhappy. You don't want to be unhappy wife nor you want to have unhappy husband.
It feels condescending to me - like it's acceptable to be someone's "girlfriend" when you're in highschool but as a full grown adult woman with a house and shit it sounds a bit absurd. I don't know if I'd tell someone openly that I'm effectively single until I'm engaged, but I'd certainly internalize that idea and think it (and so be substantially less committed until we're actually married).
Same as another lady commented
I am religious which means as far as men are concerned there are only 4 categories:
- family members
- work colleagues: cordial and professional interactions. Dont see them outside professional context
- acquaintances: cordial interactions, but no one on one interactions(including messaging, except if it's for specific practical purpose)
- marriage prospects : guy i get to know with the intention of assessing compatibilitor marriage
It does sound a bit rigid (and it probably is haha) but it does work for me in the sense that in this age of ambiguity, it doesnt allow for any of it