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A young FDS'er recently went through the cycle of suffering as a pick-me, learning about FDS and reading the handbook, and then calling herself 27 kinds of idiot for not knowing all this before.
Queens, WE HAVE TO START TALKING NICE TO OURSELVES. Otherwise you can stop using a man's behaviour to tell yourself you suck, and then just find the NEXT reason you suck.
We all have a negativity bias. That's the human brain.
But women are also taught to assume WE are the problem in any situation.
Man treating us bad? Probably we need to do better to please him.
Learn that we don't have to be a pick me? Probably we should call ourselves names for not already knowing.
YOUR BRAIN WILL NOT START TREATING YOU WELL ON ITS OWN. We have to do it ON PURPOSE.
Note this doesn't mean doing whatever you feel like and just giving in to every impulse.
It means telling yourself, 'Hon, I think we'll feel better if we eat some veg' rather than, 'You always eat junk food, you piece of shit.'
It means saying to yourself, 'Sweetie, I don't think looking for the next text from this man is doing us any good' rather than, 'Why can't I learn not be be a pick me, I fucking suck'.
Here's what I recommend to start:
Each morning, write down THREE THINGS you like about yourself. It could be as small as a good hair day or as big as being a totally awesome friend.
Just start to wear a little groove in your brain for noticing HOW MUCH YOU DO NOT SUCK.
And then when the next man comes along who is ready and willing to be the means for beating yourself up, you'll have built up some counter-evidence for yourself. You'll be able to say--I don't need to use this man treating me bad to confirm I suck. BECAUSE I DON'T FUCKING SUCK.
Try a self-criticism fast. For 24 hours, challenge your negative thoughts about yourself. Try asking--is this thought really true? Is it useful? Who would I be without this thought?
Tools for going further here: UFYB podcast, Brig Johnson IG, the book You are a Badass.
WE GOT THIS LADIES
Thank you for this. I went through an experience where I realized I was using a man as a form of self-harm. I was staying in a situation with a person who didn't care about me, and it woke me up to how much I hated myself and did not see my worth. The day I walked away from it is the day I started my journey of self-love and healing. Every day, I write down at least one thing I love about myself. I speak, write, and listen to affirmations. The apps Believe and ThinkUp are perfect for this. I say kind and loving words to myself. I practice self-compassion. I forgive myself for my mistakes. I let myself be a flawed and imperfect human being. I identify and reframe negative thoughts about myself using cognitive behavioral therapy techniques. David Burns's "Feeling Good" is a great book. There is a technique where you write down the negative thought, label it, and then rewrite it in a more balanced way. This also helps with anxiety and catastrophic thinking. The apps MindShift and CBT Diary are excellent tools. When we know better, we do better. It's cliche but true. Do not berate yourself. You wouldn't do it to a friend or loved one. You'd have compassion for them. Give that to yourself and work on negative thoughts as much as you can. It makes a difference.
Thanks so much for this. This post should be read right after writing those three positive things down. Every. Single. Day. And stop consuming media of anti-vagina men who talk about burning women at the stake! Protect your head and your heart. Important reminder/side note... 🗣VOTE THESE CRETINS OUT OF LOCAL AND NATIONAL OFFICE Nov. 8th and beyond.🗳
I cried while reading this. I have some work to do. Thank you, Queen.
I love this. I am single and not looking to date for the first time in my life at age 48. Rather than spending all my effort looking for the next man, as I would have done in the past, I am nurturing myself. Every time I eat I think about the good the food is doing for my body. When I exercise I think about how it’s helping me. I’m sleeping great, my IBS has gone away, I’m spending time with my friends and family. Y’all I am so freaking happy loving and taking care of myself. Earlier today my ex-husband texted me something innocuous and I started feeling guilty about stuff from the old past. This post was a great reminder to stop beating myself up about something that happened with a man a long time ago. He is grown and he made his own choices and so did I. I’m not responsible for him or ANY OTHER MAN! I am responsible for caring for myself, my pets, my home, and doing the job I get paid for. That’s it!
Former 400+ pounder here. Took me into my 20s to get orthopedic issues sorted physically, well into my 30s to stop hating my body. At some point I just realized there’s no point hating my body. Doesn’t help me heal, feel better, be healthier. So I started doing all of this. In 2003, major bad health news, diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. I was already beginning to love myself so within one day I cut out full-sugar soda. I started learning how to eat better. Within 10 days I had joined a gym; I was over 400 lbs and I joined a gym in Los Angeles. That in itself was an act of bravery. I started Medifast/Optimum and the weight started coming off. All this to say it’s a process; it takes time; you’ll slip up. But every meal is a chance to start again. So is every day and every thought. Only you can love yourself well, truly, and good enough. You have the power to change yourself.
Banish the inner punisher and replace it with a loving friend! Loved this.
There's this YouTube channel called "Dauchsy Meditation," and one of the hypnosis videos is called, "You Are Enough." I started listening to it as I went to sleep every night, and pretty quickly, within a week or so, od catch myself at work cutting myself down, but then, "You Are Enough" would come into my mind and fix that shit. So maybe try meditation, too. It has really helped me.
Amazing advice queen 🙌🏼