Are you "allowed" to be angry?

I identify with everything you’ve written. I feel like I’ve never been allowed to be angry or show that I was mad, whereas my older brother can rage, yell, throw things, threaten people, etc., and everyone just caters to him. I have suffered in my marriage from this, as well. I read a post when FDS was on Reddit that would apply here soooo well but I’m not sure it’s available here. Basically, BE ANGRY! Don’t back down!!!! Use your anger, but use it well! You’re allowed to be fucking mad!

If you are curious as to why people treat you one way, and your sister another way -- psychological speaking, it is because when a person creates a PERCEPTION of you inside their head, they will based it on all the things you present to them. So when it comes to your sister:

✒️ She gets angry easily, will cause a scene

✒️ She will scream and cause a scene if her desires aren't fulfilled

✒️ She throws tantrum and won't admit fault

So inside your parents mind -- she is the ANGRY child. Their perception of her is in Box A. That's just how she is, and if your parents try to correct her -- they are in for a hell of a time. They are tired and simply don't have the energy to handle her -- so that's why the "Well, that's just how she is, we have to find a way to speak to her differently so we don't upset her that much, the poor thing."

Meanwhile, for you:

✒️ You are the "mature and level-headed" one

✒️ You are nice and kind and the big sister who endlessly forgive and won't get mad

✒️ When in conflict with other people, you will be the one who gives in to keep the peace.

Your parents see you as the third parent, so to speak. That they can rely on to stop conflicts and be the one who stop things from escalating. You are the one who makes their life easier and they can let you handle things in their absence. You are the PERFECT & RELIABLE child, their perception of you is in Box B.

So when you do get mad and show them a different side of you -- what they actually feel is feeling BETRAYED. Because they thought you are Box B -- based on all the things you present to them, and when you show your rare, angry side -- they get absolutely shocked, uncomfortable, unused to this side of you.

Human are uncomfortable with things they don't know and don't get used to -- it takes three to six months to create a new perception, so when you show your rare angry side -- their primal part of the brain registers it as a threat and hence -- you get kicked out of the house.

So, what can you do?

Do you need to be like your sister and force yourself to fly of the handle everyday? No, no need for that.

But remember -- it takes three to six months to create a new perception, and a lot longer for people who know you intimately all your living like, like your parents. It can take years even.

So you have to do two things:

1. Keep presenting them with new aspect of you -- like your angry and hurt side -- and keep being consistent with it. You don't need to be something you aren't -- but you need to be CONSISTENT with your new sides -- so be more honest with how you present yourself.

2. Be PATIENT. Especially with people who know you for so long -- like I said, it can take YEARS. It is about three to six months for people like workmates, but parents? 3, 5 years maybe. It is a looooong game, so BE PATIENT.

The thing is -- you are taking full control of how other people PERCEIVE you, so you can't be wibbly-wobbly with this. If you decide you want people to know your angry side -- don't keep questioning and worrying about people reacting negatively -- BECAUSE THAT'S HOW IT IS GOING TO BE UNTIL YOU BECOMES A NEW PERSON IN THEIR HEAD.

Be patient -- and I mean BE TRULY PATIENT AND CONSISTENT.

How do I know this? I do this all the time -- it becomes a game now. I purposely change or present a new aspect of me when the mood strikes because I am presenting myself as "expect the unexpected" with a base perception of "Quiet and polite, but don't make her angry".

How do I present my anger?

I don't debate or confront, I just get eerily quiet and won't even look at their face -- I cut them off instantly and they don't exist to me anymore. My smile dropped and I look away whenever they enter the room. Or I myself stand up and walk out the door.

Why? Because it makes them feel a special kind of hurt knowing the fact that the gentle, quiet one don't even want to look at them anymore. And it is not like they can get angry at me -- I don't get into verbal fights with them (and give them a reason to not feel as guilty), I just stay far, farrrr away. I keep the peace, but also let them thoroughly taste the consequences.

People are afraid of making me angry not because they are afraid of me being angry -- they are terrified of being hated by me. Also if the scrote get angry and try to corner me -- they will be the one looking all crazy and psychotic, I am then justified to defend myself.

Having strong boundaries is really important as a woman because men are so intent on attacking them. I feel like being totally resistant to compromise is a good trait too. If I'm angry about something and I stand my ground and don't relent/go back on what I'm complaining about or asking for, I tend to get what I want eventually. Then again, I'm really stubborn about the things that matter to me and I can argue about something until the cows come home. It's useful in relationships too. If you're used to sticking to your principles, the moment a scrote tries to wear down your defences is the moment you block and delete. When you do get angry, it's important to channel your anger into a productive format. If I'm upset and angry about something, I cool off first before addressing the issue. That way, I haven't lost sight of the problem (and the related anger) but I can discuss it and fix it with a clear head. One thing I really hate is the double standard of how a lot of people see anger in men versus anger in women. Anger is an emotion, yet it only gets that label if a woman is feeling or acting on it. While women are shamed for it, men are coddled for it. It's insane, as male anger has the capacity to be much more dangerous than women's anger. They have greater physical strength in the first place, so more damage can be done.

Abusers don't like their victims being angry. Sounds like your sister is the golden child and you're the scapegoat. I couldn't even say I was angry or name the emotion until recently with my therapist. I felt so much shame around anger because I learnt as a child that is was "bad" from seeing how my Dad was when he was angry, then associating it with abuse in adulthood from male partners. The thing is though, when I'm angry I don't scream and yell and beat people up. Theirs isn't anger, it's power and control. They know exactly what they're doing, they don't just "lose control" because they wouldn't do it in public/in front of the police. Anger is one of main emotions society/abusers try to condition out of us. We need anger to survive. Don't stop being angry sis, go for gold and don't back down

I wasn't allowed to show my anger growing up because I'm a girl. I'm still not allowed tho, this is hard because I need to lash out that anger and when I'm not allowed to do so I hold it in and guess what happens next? Yes, it regurgitates. It's Healthier to Let it Out than Hold it in It can turn into depression, frequent headaches, high blood pressure, anxiety, digestive illness or skin conditions. Even if it doesn't manifest in a physical or psychological illness, be assured that stuffed anger will still infect your relationships. source: https://fgcnow.org/positive-anger-management/

I'm very angry right now and have been expressing it in a Google review, feedback and further emails with a horse riding holiday company I used. I can see they are uncomfortable, and I know on the tour itself, when I got fed up with the bullshit the couple I was stuck with kept spewing all around, I was treated as the problem for being angry. So what? I paid for a holiday too. I didn't pay to be a third on an extended date, nor to be talked down to by Gen Z, or treated as a nuisance they had to push away. My mom got upset with me for standing up for myself, but I ended up telling her to back off and to stop treating me as the monster when the others had soured things.

I was allowed to be angry while growing up. I raged and threw tantrums. Except my anger was never taken seriously. And usually, I was set off because someone would disrespect my boundaries that I had communicated time and time again. Sure it's good to be allowed to be angry but if your voice has no value ,it is very very hurtful.

I get it. I have issues with anger that make me question myself too. Some women can get away with it and others are shamed. When I've been angry (justifiably so) in a relationship, men try to say I am too demanding etc. I'm actually pissed right now because I totally caved due to loneliness...I went back to a jackass, omg. I could smack myself. I should have stayed gone! Lol.

When I was growing up, I was the only person in the house who wasn’t allowed to be angry. Shouting matches were fair game between my mother and brother, or my mother and her boyfriend. My brother and the boyfriend got into fist fights on a few occasions, and everybody used my wonderful sweet grandma as a verbal punching bag when she lived with us.

But for whatever reason when I felt anger or indignation I had to keep it together, smooth things over, be “sweet,” set a good example. Everybody in that house was older and should have known better, and half the time that’s what I was angry about; coming home to a battleground that I couldn’t avoid. The other half was how they did my grandma so, so dirty. The whole place was a rage-fest, but when I told them to knock it off, THAT was unacceptable lmao

Something critical to remember when enforcing boundaries is that you are not responsible for other people's feelings regarding them. All that conditioning you laid out is you being expected and groomed to manage other people's feelings (classic eldest daughter stuff). You're not doing that anymore. Let people be upset. Let them be mad. None of the reactions you outlined here is something you were responsible for or you need to respond to (other than more boundaries).

I identify with you a lot. I have no contact with my parent's other daughter anymore. I refuse to call her sister, because though she is a relative she is not family.

She always got angry as a way of controlling situations. It wasn't an uncontrollable anger, she admitted as much. She chose to do the things she did to me.

I grew up confusing anger and aggression, and so I suppressed the anger within me. I did not want to be like that relative, because I knew how shit life was around her. If anything made her unhappy, I would be the one to receive her displeasure. My parents would warn me to walk on eggshells. The last encounter we had was after her bf broke up with her (we were 26. She had just moved back home from uni, and I was back home for a year before purchasing my home), and I was sitting in the lounge of a morning eating my cereal and reading a book. She stood over me, demanded I move because she wanted the sofa, and when I declined she picked up a heavy book and hit me over the head. I had a concussion.

I grew up being told I was oversensitive and that these occurrences were my fault. I have a lot of anger towards my parents, but surprisingly not their other daughter. I just don't care about her at all. My anger is reserved because of the betrayal I felt and feel. Not just for how they let her treat me, but for teaching me that this is normal and I'm the one with the problem. My first relationship, unsurprisingly, was with an abuser.

It was only a very few years ago that I let myself feel angry, and with that anger came an awful lot of personal power. It lets me know that things aren't right and that I don't have to put up with shit, and that my boundaries - and safety, matter.

My experience now is that my go-to when boundaries are threatened is to head straight to anger. It's comforting, but I do not want it to be my go-to. I want to be grounded, integrated, whole and wholesome. I believe my anger is because the boundaries are new enough still that I am frightened to let anything near them. But when I achieve groundedness, the threats won't be threatening, because I am whole, and enough.

I wasn’t allowed to be angry growing up and when I was, my family never took me seriously. I remember being around 7/8 years old and visiting one of my uncles and he said something condescending about me to my parents and I literally slammed my hands on the table and yelled, “I’m not dense!” …nothing changed. It even got to the point where I couldn’t express anger facially. I honestly didn’t gain basic autonomy of my emotions until the end of high school and now, in my early 30s, I’ve more than made up for lost time. I think anger is a healthy emotion because it can manifest into other health issues.

Lucky to be the baby of the family here and just grew up like Mona Elshahid (I think that’s her name?) knowing I had a right to my body and my feelings no questions asked. I didn’t ever let anyone shame anything out of me either. And I’ve gone off on plenty of men over the years and shown power, dominance, control long before I knew what I was doing and why it worked. And for 26 years I told my female students get angry! Fight back! If you do, I’ll give you the mildest possible punishment and your male perp the strongest possible punishment because all teachers know he’s an instigator and we want a paper trail. And I warned plenty of boys the same thing: mess with her and when she beats you to a pulp I’ll let her finish, have you clean up your own blood and snot, and then write you up for instigating. Every time.

yeah... i don;t want to be with a 'man' who only corrects his behaviour because he is afraid of me/my anger. i don't even want it to get to that point. it depends on the bahviour, but if he hasn't listened after 1 or two 'corrections', if i even give him those (depends on what it is) that's all i really need to know. he doesn't respect me.