Anyone else grow up constantly hearing their parents have sex?

I don’t want to leap to conclusions bc I obviously don’t know you or know anything else about your situation. I also don’t want to throw around certain terms so flippantly, but I want you to know that this is not healthy appropriate parenting behaviour.

I really hope I’m wrong and it’s a weird boundary issue with your parents, however, this is a type of grooming behaviour exhibited by a lot of child sex offenders. They expose the child to sex in covert ways over a period of time as it eventually results in hypersexualised behaviours in the child, disrupting the healthy sexual development of the child.

For context, I work in the field of forensic behaviour and have experience in evaluating and managing behavioural risk of both child and adult sex offenders.

I’m wondering whether your parents exposed you to any other age inappropriate adult concepts growing up? Maybe things like not giving you privacy in the bathroom, barging into your bedroom without asking if you’re decent first, watching you get dressed when you’re old enough to be on your own, letting you watch age inappro movies/TV shows, and so on.

Respectfully, please don’t reply to me with answers to those questions. This is just something to consider, perhaps to write down on your own. I strongly suggest you take this discussion into therapy with a clinician with a background in childhood trauma.

Know that many adults like yourself look back on their childhood and realise something was wrong growing up and they couldn't quite put their finger on it. This can surface some painful memories you never realised you had. This is unresolved and unmanaged trauma.

I really hope this helps you.

my parents were never physically affectionate in front of me and i honestly feel better living through that than having to hear them have sex. that has to be some level of abuse especially when they ignored the fact that you could hear them and told them so.

It honestly feels like some level of abuse to me if they do it on purpose and ignore that their kids are uncomfortable with it. Kids are allowed to have boundaries, too. They are allowed not to want to listen to other people having sex just like adults are allowed to have that boundary. And I think their parents have the responsibility to try their best to keep it quiet and discreet.

Of course accidents happen in the best of families because sometimes kids just storm in in inconvenient moments, that's obviously not what I'm talking about. I also think normal physical affection (kissing, hugging, cuddling on the couch...) is something kids absolutely should see from their parents. You're a couple and not roommates after all. But anything sexual goes too far.

I'm glad this space exists. I looked this up on other forums, and it seemed like the general consensus was that it's "normal", "healthy", and that we "should be glad our parents loved each other". But I agree there was so much wrong with it. At the very least, it showed a total lack of respect for me, since I was clearly uncomfortable with it. But I think there was more to it. Looking back, I think my brother and dad did sexualize me to some extent, making inappropriate comments about my looks. When I first got my period, I didn't feel comfortable telling my mom, so I just started taking her tampons. At one point she noticed and asked me if I'd been using her tampons to masturbate! Like WTF? I was 12 years old. Why wouldn't she assume I was using them for their natural purpose? And even if I was using them to masturbate, why the heck would she want to know? Just so much wrong, looking back... my brother and dad sexualizing me, my mom shaming me. I'm so glad I'm out of that sh!thole.

No this is not normal. My mom used to “help” my dad take showers. Until I was a teenager (and not like 13, like 16 or 17) I genuinely thought my dad was an incompetent person who needed help while showering. It took me that many years to understand. If my parents could be discrete and come up with a creative excuse, other parents can too.

It is NOT something most kids have to deal with 😱

That's definitely not normal. It happens, but the vast majority of parents try to be more discreet than that. That experience sounds pretty shitty tbh.

Nope - mine never showed physical affection around me and I thank them every day for it. They also slept in separate rooms because my dad snores like crazy, which gave me the confidence to not feel pressured into sleeping in the same room as my partners (in my case I have insane insomnia). They set a pretty good example in that regard.

Interestingly I've had a super normal/satisfying sex life, and I think part of the reason why is that my parents didn't make this massive deal about sex. They weren't super conservative about it (you could joke about sex around them, for instance) nor were they trying to make a statement by being way too open about it.

You’re not alone. I was raised by a single mother and definitely heard her several times with boyfriends. I would tell her I heard her, she would say no I didn’t, I must have wanted to hear. She then accused me of listening to her and touching myself. Said I must have put my ear to the door to hear better.

You are not alone.

I grew up hearing mine too from a pretty young age - around 8 years old.

As a child I would bring up the issue several times - and I could be pretty assertive - they would pretend not to care about it.

They would even make fun of it with their friends, as if it were something to joke about.

Just like you, I ended up convinced that is was normal and *BREAKING NEWS* it is not.

Unfortunately it wasn't the only abusive/neglectful behaviour they had. I am still weighing up the consequences (especially in terms of my sex life)

A ton of support☀️

Not normal, not okay. I'm so sorry you had to experience that.

On another note, fairly common in the foster care system (Three Little Words is a good book I think, read it long ago) and households where the mom is actively seeing bfs/step dads. Shit is not normal and I'm sorry to hear you're going through that.

Um, no?

I experienced this too and it always really upset me, but like you, my feelings were dismissed and discounted, and it continued on.

Your parents are narcissistic and didn’t consider you at all. I’m sorry. So many people have kids who don’t even like kids let alone adjust their lives and behaviour to benefit their kids.

It's weird that they seemed to be purposely being loud about it. It's taunting. It's not like sex is that great that you can't STFU when your children are next door. Children deserve to keep their innocence and should not have it stolen purposely via their own parents.

Your parents should have considered your feelings and not made it all about them. They should not have tried to ground you for speaking your truth. It's absurd.

I grew up very poor. My parents, siblings (2), and I lived in a small one-bedroom apartment in the city. My parents slept in the living room and my siblings and I slept in the bedroom.

We were always in each other business lol. But never once did I hear or walk into my parents having sex. They knew that shit that scared me for life LMFAO.

My parent's probably hated having us around 24/7 lol but they never made us feel uncomfortable. Sure there were some occasions(rare) where my little ass was like wtf is going on here 🧐 what are you two up to lol but other than that they were very discrete about it.

Ugh yeah my dad was really blatant with his sex life when I was a child/adolescent and it was upsetting and unnerving then and now. He even went so far as to have sex with his gf in the same hotel room as my brother and I were staying in (two double beds). He never molested me or anything like that, I think he just prioritized sex over everything else, including his children’s welfare. It took me calling it out on the spot as a 13 year old for it to even begin change. I also mentioned it offhand to my therapist at the time who was obligated to call CPS, which I felt awful about for years. I’m sorry you went through this; it is nothing but damaging.

my mom did that when random men when my friends were in the house

You know this just unearthed a memory about my conservative trump loving step brother. I hadn’t seen him in years, and I remember the very first time he repulsed me after 10+yrs. He was talking to my sister and I, and braying on and on about asian women. His preference for them because they’re “tight”. He then proceeded to ask if we knew what a cameltoe is. I remember just finding him extremely inappropriate and disgusting, but didn’t consider it grooming. I was reading through this thread and was very angered by the experiences of other members, and was forced to examine why I had such a visceral emotional reaction and feeling of disgust. My other step brother would also act in similar disgusting ways. There’s a 10yr age gap between us btw. So we’re definitely not peers. And even if the gap is smaller who has such sordid conversations with their siblings. Disgusting trash. The other one would give unprompted details about how he his girlfriends naked body. Sigh.