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I've been sitting on this thought for a while now before wanting to write about it. Some of my most painful romantic blunders in my life was going through the suspicion that a man was only with me because he could not get with a certain other woman in his life. Or that a woman could not let him go and would consistently overstep her boundaries within my relationship with him, and him also disrespecting me by going after her, despite me supposedly being ~the love of his life~.
I remember feeling ferociously jealous of ex-girlfriends. I remember feeling defensive when a so called female best friend made me feel inferior as opposed to the position she is in with his life. I recall always feeling suspicious of any new woman who suddenly shows up on our radar. I remember the devastation I would feel upon learning I was cheated on through women I have never met in my life before.
I always, always, always used to blame the other woman for the way my man acted. If it wasn't for her or women like her, my relationship could have been perfect.
But I think it's time I stop blaming her. It's time I write a letter of love, forgiveness, and more importantly, thankfulness, to the other woman.
You see, if it wasn't for the other woman, you may have gone through years in your relationship not suspecting that this man truly is not the one for you. It's almost funny, when you think about it. The times I have been through the ringer because of other women was when I was with men who had all sorts of things wrong with him; being with other women just attracts our attention the most because we are socialized to stay competitive against each other and fighting for moids who don't fucking deserve it.
It's because of the other woman, she has ripped the curtains and let the light shine on what's wrong with your relationship and why you are never, ever happy or satisfied: Him. He's the problem.
This isn't to say that it's okay for women to go around poaching for married men. It really isn't and it's LV behavior. But I think she deserves more positive recognition. How I vet now for this, is different than how I used to do. If I'm on a date with a new scrote and I pretend to look upset, he'll ask what's wrong. And then I'll make up a fake scenario that a good friend of mine is having a tough time with her boyfriend because apparently, he keeps spending so much time with an ex-gf/female best friend. From there, the new scrote will drop the bomb and tell you how HE would behave, or if he still has another woman that lingers in his life that keeps intruding in his relationships. ("I am still in contact with my ex-girlfriend and I even fix things around her house because she's had a hard life." 🙄) Men always have opinions on everything, so he'll expose himself as a man who either doesn't have exes in his life that he keeps close contact with, or not. If there's another important woman in his life, it's block + delete for me.
But afterwards, I will thank the other woman from the bottom of my heart. It is through her simple existence that tells me, "This man ain't shit and yeah, we're fucking on the down low. Find someone else.", that I can find a man who has much more stronger boundaries and won't put me through unnecessary stress and drama with triangulation.
So, a toast, to the other woman.
Idk. I'm not toasting LV behavior, male or female. And I don't believe in playing games to draw out red flags- scrotes tell on themselves well enough. But I won't date a man who has female friends he spends one on one time with, or calls on the phone.
Agree with you 100%. I always get heat for having this opinion... I don't understand why the other woman gets more hated on than the committed man himself. Hell, sometimes, the wife who is cheated on is the one who receives the hate, which is wtf ... Anyway, cheating men can just go and have all the LV/Insecure women they can get. For a HVW, she should be relieved that he is out of her life the moment she finds out and that's that.
Lol at "men always have opinions on everything." So true. And good advice on how to use that to vet!
That is really good advice. The last guy I was with brought up his ex-wife and said that he would always remember fondly the good times with her, after I asked him if he missed her. That broke my heart, but I still stayed. And I continually got my heart broken with this guy...I should have left at that first gut punch. But I loved him so much. After it was over, he wanted to stay friends because he said he still wanted me in his life, but I just couldn't because it hurt too much and I refuse to be emotionally available to anyone who rejects me. That's the one that I have the greatest regrets over. I hope I forget him one day and there will be someone better.
Edit: This situation is what brought me here. It'd be nice to have some understanding instead of nasty people down voting. We've all been there.
I don't know. Studies say the highest predictor of infidelity is physical attraction. The data is pretty clear in that anyone can cheat and it doesn't have to be part of a relationship problem or deep all-encompassing character flaw. The more attractive you find someone the likelier you are to cheat and make this mistake. It seems to be in essence a bad decision. I do think we should blame the man with the harshest force available. But to be honest the other woman plays as much of a role in that she makes herself available for this patriarchal power game in which only the man wins... for a small ego boost. If she is aware and / or could be aware. I'd like to see some good behaviour on the side of other women also. No it is not fully their fault but partly. I don't want to lay there like a sacrificial lamb and let other women walk all over my relationships without any agency whatsoever. It is still a relationship the cheated on woman invested time, energy and often resources and possibly year's of her life into. Intentionally messing with that is plain disrespectful. Similar to a business competitor sabotaging my business and causing me high monetary damage and then saying "but your machinery was outdated". Should I really cheer this behaviour on just because I have two X chromosomes? Men would never do that and men don't know much but they know how to self-preserve. Many men are dumb and easily manipulated. Many men have starved for female attention their whole life. Yes they are the problem, they have weaknesses. But if the other woman is ill intentioned, am I interested in obsolving her from her part of responsibility? Meh. After all she has major weaknesses as well. And is just as liable for them. True female solidarity for me looks like rejecting men who are in relationships. Or who look like they could be. Scan for signs he is in a relationship. At least that is how I handle it. And another thing that will make lib fems mad is: true female solidarity is also not walking the streets naked and dressed for the male gaze. As it harms other women and forces their hand in either being complicit in serving the male gaze or to retreat and living their life being perceived as less attractive than they actually are. Same as pornography. But I do agree in the sense that if you forgive it will benefit your health and keep your stress levels down. For that it is a viable strategy. For any other purpose I see cheering the other woman on as 'identifying with the aggressor'. Especially since we in FDS actually employ a lot of behaviour that makes us LESS likely to be used as the other woman. I think we can expect the same from other woman and encourage those who are not there yet so find alternate ways of conducting themselves.
I'm sorry for your pain and happy you could find some peace & new resolve . But as for toasting for the OW -a hard pass. Shitty behavior is shitty behavior, even if it had the "benefit" of exposing a shitty partner. You can hold both accountable.
If there's another important woman in his life, it's block + delete for me.<<<<<
I think I maybe take a somewhat opposite view. Not on men pining for former loves, etc, but I won't date a man now who isn't friends with at least *some* of his exes. A man who isn't at least casually friendly with past loves is a big red flag to me...especially if his opener is about all the terrible wrongs they've done him.
I am extremely grateful for the woman that broke up my last relationship. This was back in 2016. I was in an entirely different place back then, and my boyfriend at the time was a bartender who didn't drive. I ended up taking on a motherly role with him, making sure he got to work on time, ordering him Ubers from my account with my money, even buying him socks at one point, Despite all that I loved him fiercely. He was this big sweet teddybear, and I never thought he'd cheat on me in a million years. I'll never forget the night I went over to his house (actually his grandmothers house) and something felt off. He was behaving strangely around me. I choked it up to his grandfather being sick. Then at one point while he was having a beer in the garage and I was in his bedroom alone something *pushed* me to check his phone. In the 10 months we were together I had done it once before - the first time I was still struggling with my own insecurities from my last relationship. This time it was different, it was as if my gut was telling me to have a look. That's when I saw the text - it was some woman asking if he hid the condom, etc. I came to find out later some strange woman from his past came back into his life briefly the night before and left right after, cutting all contact with him. This is going to sound a little out there but to this day I believe she was sent there by a higher power to break us up. I of course left the relationship right away, and holy crap I am so blessed that I did. The cheating got me to stop caring about his wellbeing. Remember all that taking care of him I did? 2 weeks after I left, he got fired from his bartending job. I strongly believe that I would have supported him financially if I was still around. Instead I met a new man at work 2 weeks later who sped up the healing process dramatically (this man was a sexy, older police officer and we had the most intense sexual connection). He was married so we never did anything other than flirt - I wasn't about to put his wife through what I just experienced. But it was amazing because he allowed me to experience that wonderful lusty connection from a distance while I was still healing. I also got to go to Australia for my 30th birthday. I spent that entire summer drooling over my new police officer friend and looking forward to Australia. My life dramatically improved once I left my boyfriend, so I am forever grateful for the woman that destroyed our relationship! Thank you Brittany (I think that was your name)