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Is the man I thought that I was with some sort of narcissist, or did I just get played? And why do I miss him?
I’m in a state of shock and confusion and need clarity.
Two years ago a man (we’ll call him Alex), started at my company. From the first look there was chemistry. Four months go by and the flirting starts. There were frequent teams messages that then evolved into texting. This lasts another 5 months. He never asked me out and I stupidly thought it was because we worked for the same company. He said he did not believe in social media. I find out from another person that he has a live-in girlfriend. So I stopped talking to him. He apologized for not telling me. He told me that I mean the world to him. He said he was lonely in his relationship. She was never home. He thought she was cheating on him. His ex wife had cheated on him so he knows the signs. He did not feel wanted. I make him feel wanted. I fell for it. He is so highly respected at work and everyone raves about him. So I believed him. He helps fix things at my house. He tells me he wants me and he is going to ask her to move out. After a month he told me they talked and broke up. He loves me. Another month goes by and she moves out. We start officially dating and sleeping together. He said he was mine.
But do we? He never reports the association to HR (he is a manager and is supposed to per our policy). He keeps me hidden. Only a very few people at work know about us. I am never introduced to his friends and family. He told me his father was too sick for me to meet him and it was nothing personal. I got suspicious and arguments started. I asked to have lunch together at work. He said he is too busy to eat. I saw him eat lunch all the time. He gave me several excuses as to why I could not meet anyone in his life outside of work. I got him a custom doormat with the faces of our dogs together. I never saw it after I gave it to him. When I asked him why he did not like his gift and use it, he said he loved it as it was very heartfelt.
He never spent the night with me. We did go out into public a lot. Dinners, fairs, the movies, shopping, date nights, museums. I did not see any feminine items in his house, but in the last month I found girl shampoo and soaps in the guest bathroom. He said it was left over from when she (ex) lived there and he never went in that bathroom. Which is possible and I have no proof. He started leaving work early or taking days off and not telling me. Any time I asked he said I had trust issues. Whenever I said something bothered me I would get pages and pages of texts of how I am pushing him away. And because I pushed him away (by asking for a relationship), he was damaged from me.
After more than nine months of “officially” dating:
I knew that his ex's mother was dying. One Friday three months ago he left work at 10am to take his father fishing because he was not feeling well and got more bad news. He was acting nervous. This was one day after he told me he could not hang out because he had to do errands, but I found out he had dinner with some of the men at work. So he lied to me. I now had proof that he lies. So I got online and found the obituary of the mother and the services were that day at noon. When I asked him if he went, he swore that he did not and made an elaborate excuse of the men at work thought he said he was going to a funeral when one man said he was going to one and he said he was going to one, his own. So he thought I got the idea of the funeral from work when in fact I just “knew.” He swore that his ex hates him and they are not speaking.
From that point on I did not sleep with him again. It has been 3 months. However, I did spend some time with him. We went out for breakfast a few times. He helped me a couple of times at my house. And there were many many emails of his love for me but I have hurt him and he is angry with me so we could not be back together yet. I was so confused. He still stares at me at work and corners me and talks to me when others are around. He still left little gifts at my desk. He told another person at work that he would do anything for me. That was less than a week ago.
He would never commit to me. When I would ask him to see a movie he said he would have to go slow, as I damaged him. But he could meet for late breakfast. Constant alarm bells.
So, right before my birthday (2 weeks ago) he started a fight by doing what I asked him not to do - take a day off from work and sneak off without telling me. He sent me pages of text how I have damaged him and he is beyond hurt. We had expensive tickets for an event the day before my birthday that we had gotten before the “funeral” and he said he wanted to go before that last fight. He finally said he needed to be away from it all for awhile because I had fucked him up.
But then he sent me a handmade gift in the mail (woodworking that had to have taken many many hours), with a loving card.
Two days ago my friend from work saw that his mother posted a new profile picture of the entire family out to dinner. There he is with his ex. And his father is looking pretty healthy as they are all out at a nice restaurant. I was told to never post anything. The photo was posted the day after the last fight. Before he spent countless hours creating the gift he sent me. I sent him the photo. I got more pages of text saying that I am his best friend and he loves me and misses me and they are just friends and he has been helping her out lately and he won’t say that he won’t start dating her again as she makes him feel wanted and he does not consider us dating anymore. Which is what he said a year ago about me. He also repeatedly stated that he invited me to meet the people in his life and I repeatedly said no. Now that is not true - but he told people at work that and he has written it a few times to me. I wanted to be part of his life so badly. He said he can prove that he did - but he never proves it. Because he can’t. It never happened.
Why would he spend hours making something out of wood for me when it seems like he was never even with me?
How could I damage him by asking for him to act like a boyfriend? He says again and again that I pushed him away. It is my fault that he is now spending time with his ex. He said that. MY fault. She makes him feel wanted. He swore to me before she was cheating on him. And now that I ask for commitment I make him feel unwanted. In what world does any of this make any sense??
I feel humiliated. Stupid. I believed all of his explanations and texting meant that he cared. I need help getting over this. I just don’t know how I am going to face him at work.
Was this covert narcissism (he acts very humble and says he isn’t good enough for me), or was this something entirely different?
I feel like the ultimate Pickmeisha and I am humiliated. I need your support ladies. Help me mend my ways!
You were and still are the other woman. They never broke up and he's just using you for sex and companionship when she isn't looking. She might have moved out and they might've broken up for a while, but they're definitely back together again and you're just the side piece. He's cheating on her with you, and cheating on you with her. Just like he cheated on his ex-wife prior to the two of you.
Break up and ask for a transfer out of the company where he works at. This is why dating people from work is usually stated to be a horrible idea. Now a lot of people know what's up and your career may be on the line. Your networking options may have suffered because now everyone knows you as his mistress. I'm not saying these things to be harsh, but to be real with you.
Who cares if he's a narcissistic man or not. He's literally abusive and a cheater on top of this. Get away from him and block him.
You should inform his gf that he was secretly dating you this whole time. Don’t let this lying piece of shit get away with it. You can also inform HR if he was in a higher position or has more power. Then block and delete but his naive gf needs to know. He is living a double life
You were the other woman. Read “Why Does He Do That?” and “The Gift of Fear” and don’t shit where you eat.
Do you have proof that he made this handmade gift specifically for YOU and not someone else?
But you know, it doesnt even matter. This guy is not it. Time to block, delete and avoid him at work. Throw future gifts in the bin or give them back immediately.
I’m sorry you’re going through this but I would back away and if your work has a specific policy for this that he didn’t follow, you need to report him. I realize you’re too old to be “groomed” necessarily but sounds like he enjoyed the idea of getting a subordinate at work (not sure if he’s your manager or just a manager) under his spell. He doesn’t want to have a relationship with you, he wants to use you. The claims about the ex cheating were probably projection and to manipulate you. He’s concerned about her but he’s having an emotional affair the entire time?
I’m getting major narcissist vibes here. He clearly likes having you around as a back-up but doesn’t respect you. It’s the hardest thing for women to learn but men ultimately do not respect and do not love women who chase them. That’s why my best friend is still single after making the last guy dinner and baked goods for their second date.
You are being emotionally and psychologically abused by this man. The confusion you feel and blaming yourself are symptoms of abuse. He is a liar and a cheater and he doesn’t care for you. First, you should cut him off and leave your workplace as soon as possible. Second, learn the FDS rules and stringently apply them in future. Only abusers and LVM engage in the behaviour that started this, such as sending “flirty” messages, staring and “cornering”. Unfortunately you responded positively instead of recognising that you were being disrespected. Now you are here, you can learn how to avoid these men in the future.