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“Can men and women be platonic friends?” – we regularly discuss that question here and usually either end up with a resounding “no” by some met by people stating exceptions and other people stating that they in fact are truly just friends with a man.
To me “friend” is honestly a very vague term and different cultures use it to describe different degrees of closeness, trust and emotional intimacy. In my culture the word “friend” is reserved only for people you are extremely close to, who you have known for a long time and who you trust implicitly. Most people here wouldn’t automatically call every person in their social group a friend, even if you all meet regularly and are friendly with each other. Other cultures have very different terms and definitions and I think this is one of the reasons why our discussions here often end with no clear answer.
What I would propose is to categorize relationships with men using other less vague terms. In my mind, I can separate the men I know (strangers are obviously completely excluded here) in three groups:
- Allies, the smallest group of all. It only describes a handful of people I have an extremely close emotional connection to: a spouse and male relatives I am very close to (like my father before he passed away). Allies are the only group who gets access to me without serving a specific purpose in return (more to that under “assets”). They are also the only group I would discuss emotional or intimate topics with.
- Assets: Men I know and am in semi-regular contact with who are useful to me in some capacity and/or serve a purpose I value them for (which can even be pure entertainment): a teacher, mentor, colleague or business partner, a male buddy, uncle or cousin who is always willing to help me out with something, anyone in my dating rotation or even that gay friend in my social group I can always have a fun time with. An asset’s access and value to me is determined by their purpose and if they can respect the boundaries that includes. If they lose their purpose or violate boundaries they are gone. An asset brings something useful and positive to my life: fun dates, interesting conversations, great work projects, an additional hand when I need to build that new shelf I bought etc. etc. They are not for emotional support (in either direction).
- Acquaintances: all other men I know and meet semi-regularly: The neighbor you greet when you see him on the street, colleagues and classmates, partners of friends or relatives, friends of your parents and so on. My relationship with them does not go beyond a polite greeting and light smalltalk.
I think in a lot of our discussions we lump together assets and allies and that causes us to actually compare different things. Other women can be assets and -over time- become true allies to us whether we are related or not. Our shared experiences as women in society are often a way to create the necessary understanding and emotional intimacy for that. The knowledge that the other women do (most likely) not have a hidden agenda to gain your trust and then use you for sex helps to build trust.
I also believe that men I am not related to can absolutely be assets to me. Many are and I would be sad to lose them. But – other than a spouse – they can never become true allies because that kind of closeness, connection and trust needs a very special and rare bond without any hidden agendas on their side.
What’s your opinion? Do you think these descriptions work or is your experience completely different?
I agree. Boundaries in everything in life makes it easier to decide what a situation results in. Familiarity breeds contempt yet bonds are necessary for a healthy long life, and this is where boundaries and compromise come into their own right.
So it's a resounding no from me lol that men cannot be friends as they always have a hidden agenda, sometimes in more than one way.
My own personal verbiage...
> Friendly acquaintance: most people I know and have a cordial relationship with.
> Friend: someone whose company I enjoy and choose to spend time with
> Close friend: HERE'S ALL MY TRAUMA NOW TELL ME YOURS
"Friend" does indeed cover all these categories
The term "friend" has been severely eroded and tainted in the West. For instance, men pretend that they're your friend when they only want to f*ck you. Friends with benefits is nothing more than the female being a free prostitute for the male after he's decided she's not worthy of even being his girlfriend. I used to think men and women could be friends, but after serving in the Army and working in construction since 1995, I'd say that my ex husband was right. He used to scream at me that no male wanted to just be my friend and that they were all just waiting for me to get drunk or vulnerable enough to let them f*ck. It hurt to hear that, but experience has proved him right over the past 30 years. I had a much older male coworker who I thought only of as a friend ask me out 3 months after his wife, who I was friends with too, dropped dead. That left me with a hole in my heart. He was just waiting for his elderly wife to die before pouncing on me. I, of course, said "No," and now we're no longer friends. So much for male friendship.