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I have been abused my entire life by people of different genders. What I noticed is that girls grow up, they apologize and reflect on themselves. They gained empathy. Women who abused me often used snarky methods like gossiping and making fun of me. The worst they have ever done was hit me, but that was only my mom, grandma and teachers. About males however, they don't grow up or reflect upon themselves. Almost all of them were extremely violent towards me. I'm an adult now and those women who bullied me have their own life, some apologized and some became my friends. The males however, still stalked, harassed, sexually harassed, prank call and I don't remember any of them have apologized after leaving me with PTSD that affects my daily life. I've been on social media lately and I noticed those males who were bullies are still bullies. Society never hold them accountable.
I read somewhere that scientifically, women don't see ugly men while men gets annoyed by ugly women. I've always tried my best to look good just to realized that I'm not looking good for myself. I'm looking good so males won't abuse me. Yet they still do.
Trying to look good to avoid abuse is a failing strategy bc it doesn't address why men are targeting you for abuse. They target you bc they perceive you as easy prey, and if they don't see an easy weakness- they seek to create one. I'm reading Becoming Bulletproof rn and Evy goes over this topic- dressing and carrying yourself to avoid predators (by not appearing to look like prey)
Men aren't rude to you for any reason specific to YOU. You aren't ugly just because a bully decided to insult your looks. You aren't vain bc a bully decided to take you down a peg. Men insult women for being vain if she puts effort into her appearance, they insult her for being ugly if she does not (or if she tries to hard!). They insult women for standing up for themselves, and they use a carrot/stick method for women they can push around.
As an alternative strategy to dressing to look try this: dress to look intimidating. Dress appropriately for the event, yes- but within every style choice you can choose cuts and colors that serve to make you look sharper, imposing, and unyielding. They're called power suits for a reason- they work to make you feel large and in charge. There's a reason secret service agents dress the way they do. And men will continue to insult you, but when you put on your clothes as a buffer with the intent to be intimidating- you won't be so phased when they do (if they even say it to your face).
My worst bullies growing up were male.
Big hugs to you. A couple of notes I hope you find helpful: 1) dress strategically, yes. I experienced the glow-up--and yes--men and women treat me so differently, I realize I'd have a slightly different personality, if I'd grown up looking this much better. Having said that: It's not a shield! It's not a safe space! It will not protect or save you from bad men. It will not stop abuse! Do not center men in your decisions. At best, it's an extra ace in your social deck, like any privilege: wealth, able-bodied, strong network, etc. Dress appropriately for each occasion. Dress to look and feel confident. Dress to be YOUR best self for yourself. Studies have proven that doing that actually does help increase your social influence in many--not all--situations, so I won't gaslight you and say it doesn't do ANYthing positive. It just won't stop abuse--from men or women. It's a strong enough influence boost for me on the daily that personal style/fashion/appearance was worth mastering/using strategically, but it has never single-handedly "saved" me from an abusive man/situation, and has definitely made me a target of predatory men and insecure women. 2) Confidence and self-love first. I have confidence now, but my outside glow-up came before my emotional one and cost me majorly. I needed confidence, self-love, and a pro-me /FDS mindset before a tiny waist, clear skin, and a great wardrobe. All those did was make me more valuable to the "users" around me. Now I understand preferential treatment I do receive actually has nothing to do with my actual value as a human being or self-worth. Is it nice? Sure. Has it opened opportunity doors? Sure. So has being competent, confident, and clearly unwilling to put up with B.S. Those three things have helped me FAR more in life FAR more consistently in all areas of life, including dealing with abusive men and pick mes than my appearance, even when I'm in a situation where I know that it is giving a social boost--and/or is bringing out the fangs.