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A friend of mine's mother is going through chemotherapy for cancer. Thankfully, the cancer is in its early stages so she's not in any danger.
My friend (let's call her Jenny) flew to the US with her mother to get a second opinion and they are living in their family home. Jenny's brother works in the US and lives in the home too so currently, in the home are Jenny, her mother and brother. Jenny's dad is in their home country and can't immediately fly to the US because of how busy he is at work.
Jenny recently called me to tell me about what's going on and how stressed she is. She told me about how she's gone with her mother for the majority of her hospital appointments including some all-day appointments and how at home, she is the one constantly checking on her, spending time with her when she feels low and taking care of feeding her. She alone does all the cleaning and her brother vacuums.........from time to time. She's told me how in a day, she can check her mother 10 times but when it comes to her brother, he does much less than her. Her brother has a hybrid work situation while Jenny is pursuing her Master's degree which luckily for her, is online, but it doesn't mean she hasn't been busy. She has essays to write and online exams to prepare for and yet surprise surprise, she does more than her brother all the time. Her brother can go a whole day without checking on their mother and has not gone to one hospital appointment. She told me how her mother complained to her about how for days, her brother can go the whole day without seeing her, only to check on her at night.
Jenny told me how disregarded and unappreciated she feels because despite all she's done, her mother has complained about her several times. One day, her mother complained that she didn't bring in the bins on time after the rubbish collection people came to get it..........meanwhile, her brother was working at home and was awake and downstairs before the two of them and could've done it.
What happened recently is that Jenny saw her mum in the morning, went to check on her but found her mum on the phone so she left her alone. She decided to check on her mum again in the evening, only to be told by her mother than Jenny "didn't make an effort to see her". Her mother complained about how unwell she feels and how Jenny just left her alone. Jenny gently pushed back by saying how they had seen twice in the day and that with how busy she (Jenny) was, she couldn't come as often as she usually does that particular day and how she checks on her multiple times in a day usually. She asked why she couldn't be cut some slack. Her mother just glared at her and didn't say a word so Jenny left the room fuming.
The next day, Jenny's father calls her to tell her to be more helpful and considerate to her mother. This came as a result of Jenny's mother calling her husband to complain about Jenny. He said that Jenny should offer to bring food to her mother and check her as often as possible meanwhile Jenny told me that she already does this and many times, her mother will tell her that she's not hungry or has already eaten. So you see, her mother plays victim to her husband but tells Jenny that she's fine and doesn't need help.
In all this, nobody has spoken to Jenny's brother.
I say all this to say that as women, we're always expected to literally kill ourselves for others and even then, what we do is never enough. I'm so frustrated for my friend and so angry at her parents and brother. Men do barely anything and nobody bats an eyelid. The less they do, the less anyone asks of them but yet the more a woman does, the more that is expected of her.
It's very very unfair! 😡
I watched a similar dynamic play out for my mom when her mother was ill. My grandmother was bedridden in the last years of her life. My mom visited her almost every day. We rarely saw my uncles (my mom's brothers) ever come to see my grandmother. They were just never around, and I guess it was not expected of them. It was sad to me that so few people even visited my grandmother when she was so isolated and suffering.
Now, I am taking care of my mom, and everything is expected of me. I am an only child. So, I can't share the responsibilities, but it's frustrating when you are expected to do everything and to not even need time for yourself, days off, a break, support. Taking care of another person is extremely stressful, and no one talks about it. My mom's husband does a few things, but almost everything is on me when it comes to caring for her. It's been a really difficult experience.
When you become a caregiver, your life isn't your own anymore, and you can be held to ridiculous expectations, like you're a servant, maid, and machine, like you're no longer a human being with limitations, boundaries, and needs.
I'm sorry for what your friend is going through. I have no doubt her situation is more common than most. Men let us down constantly, and this society always teaches them to put themselves first. Women are taught to put everyone else first even at our own expense.
Yes!! I'm seeing more and more discussion about how the brunt of childcare falls on women and how much of a toll this takes on women, their mental wellbeing, their careers, etc-- but even women who choose not to have children still get saddled with dropping everything to take care of their aging/ sick family members (but let's be real, even women who DO have children still are expected to drop everything for other family members).
Pissed and beyond sick of seeing men everywhere getting so catered to. my brother get so coddled and babied even as an adult yet all the responsibility is on me and I get gaslighted by my parents too.
I hate that women everywhere are expected to carry every burden in the world pretty much and yet are chastised on top of it for it.
i hope your friends tells it straight to her family and sets strong boundaries because fuck that. What a thankless job
The garbage, moms dirty linen and the dishes would be stacked on his bed if I lived there. With the garbage bins getting stored in his room on trash night. I would shop daily for me and mom’s food and leave nothing in the house for him. Buy a nice big picture of mom and glue it to his bedroom wall so he won’t have to walk so far to see her! I would play with the fuse box while he’s working from home. Does he have a girlfriend? Inform her, in front of him, of the kind of care she can expect if she gets sick. But that’s just me. Perhaps Jenny could try to plan out her day and closely stick to her schedule so she doesn’t burn out.
This right here is exactly why I never talk about my family to others if I can avoid it.
Too much pain from being the unpaid caregiver without the resources to secure boundaries or human dignity.
On the subject of how men never play their part or give anywhere near the amount a woman does, and neither are they expected to, just take a look at the stats.
There are many studies that are based on data from different countries that show that it is overwhelmingly women who take on or are forced to take on the burden of being a caregiver to family, irrespective of whether this is for a parent when they have other siblings, children when they have a partner, their own partner who then dies and leaves them with no one to look after them (we know what men do when women need a caregiver, they leave), or worse for their partner's parent (far more common than people realise).
This is another thing that puts me off ever wanting to be in a serious relationship again. Men are god damn leaches and they still claim women have it equal.
Why the hell aren't they bitching to her brother about this???? Oh that's right, he's a man and doesn't have to check in on his own mother 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄
In situations like this that make me so so glad I am estranged from my whole family
Patriarchy persists even now. Men can do nothing and get away with it, and women have to keep playing house and taking care of family despite other pressing obligations. It really isn't fair and I'm so sorry for your friend Jenny.
Like many people I moved in with my parents during the pandemic with my kids after a bad breakup and both of my parents having serious health scares. I thought I could help look after them and they could help with childcare so being a single mom would be easier. They both recovered but living with them made it very obvious they hate children and aren’t going to help me with my kids in the ways I need. They just kept expecting more and more chore and financial responsibilities to fall to me. Then I had a serious foot injury that took over a month until I could walk and they didn’t help me and got very resentful and mad at me for being disabled because I could no longer do all the things I was doing for them. That’s not love.
I am moving out in a couple weeks and in the future will prioritize myself and my children and will leave my parents to deal with future health issues on their own. I’ve managed to bite my tongue about my anger and disappointment, but once I’m on my own I am so done and will have a much lesser involvement in their lives.
I can't even write on this subject in detail anymore. I've had several of what people describe as my 'best years' stolen from me from a situation similar but worse than this. Families are awful. Dysfunctional ones operate on abuse, manipulation and shame. I made that love conditional, took my power back and decided to be brave when I dropped almost all of them. My best wishes go to Jenny. I cannot empathise more with anyone having to go through something like this. It's situations Iike this that reveal how fucked up a family is.