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Hi Queens,
I've recently started to OLD after about 2.5 years of leveling up and omg it's terrifying. The typical male candidate is struggling. For context, I'm 33 live in America and in a medium sized city. Here are some things I've noticed:
Height-fishing is a thing. I went out with a guy who was 3 inches shorter than his profile height. It was an instant disappointment- nice guy, but I can't start the relationship off on a lie. It's a bait and switch. Side note: I’ve been searching for an app that will tell a guys height over video call, any suggestions?
I matched with a guy who said he was 6'1 and then after we set a time to video call he changed his height to 5'10 on his profile. Only an app that benefits men would allow this- I don't know if 1 woman who misrepresents her height to gain matches. A guys height should be like his age- once you set it, you cant change it. And, users should be able to report it.
the algorithm is designed to lower your standards. Te app purposefully shows you Fuckboys or the most popular guys, and then makes you feel like you need to pay for their premium subscription to improve your chances when you don't come across a meaningful conversation.
The apps don't have a salary requirement which again favors men, since they cannot provide reproductive labor and often fall short on emotional labor. Now they don't have to put a value on what they can contribute financially, making it harder to weed out folks that haven’t truly thought about providing for the future.
Ok ok so you might want to say, given the above what are the best strategies?
First of all, it's a mental game. If you are like me and prone to rumination, it's that much harder. But it's all about improving your chances better than average. I have tried the following:
Paying for a premium subscription and swiping right on literally every guy. Then I wisened up and set some parameters like height and political ideology and kept swiping right. What did this get me? A bunch of matches, but only 1 out of 15 had any kind of engaging conversation, maybe 2-3 went just beyond a match. So while guys swipe right on every woman and then pick from there, as a woman you will come across guys who match for the ego boost as opposed to being genuinely interested in a relationship.
I tried reviewing every individual profile before swiping, and that took way too much time. Time that could be spent on other things.
Keeping my profile active, and swiping through the catalog of men available throughout the day. This is depressing and puts me in a very passive role, waiting for the algorithm to throw me a crumb here or there…I don’t like the feeling of waiting. If I had no imagination maybe I wouldn’t mind, but I do daydream.
The best strategy for me is probably to meet a man in real life, like at a golf course or a run club. I plan to delete my account at the end of the month.
Thanks for your field report. I succumbed to online dating and had a very short live relation-shit with the last guy I met on there.
The whole experience felt disingenuous to me because OLD relationships are built on the premise that you already like someone enough to consider them a partner. I believe the friendship stage is so important to build trust, respect and even intimacy.
A lot of scrotes have this sense of entitlement that they can bypass the friendship stage and have unfettered access to you in the dating stage, by default of meeting on OLD.
Yes it shows you the "best", ie super polished, photoshoot profiles. People who are just traveling to your area for a few days. And unwashed men that nobody can be swiping right on.
Update: I deleted the app after 3 days- sunk cost fallacy. It doesn’t matter if I paid premium for the month, this app is detracting from my life and it has to go. Thank you all for your support!
Congrats for discovering the inevitable.
It's very demoralising... I agree that the apps are designed to make you lower your standards. Well, not sure if that is their deliberate intent, or if the constantly being presented with poor quality and non-compatible options just wears away at you. Re Salary requirement: I think there are several 'higher tier' sites that do have a salary requirement, though they do vary a bit. And from memory there is a much steeper (and compulsory) membership fee than the run of the mill apps. I can't remember them all as it's been a long time since I looked into it, but I think one of them is called 'Elite Dating' or something like that. OLD is a trash heap... In person is a beast all of its own. Good luck!
Had the same experience - a few dates but most fell guys off after they realized I wasn't gonna get physical with them (after 1 date mind you) or were very socially challenged men I felt like I was running circles around. I never thought about how not having income required to be listed inherently benefits men though, excellent point! Some don't even require men to say whether or not they're employed, probably because if they did women would see how many unemployed underachievers are just looking for a free prostitute on these apps!
I’ve been in and out of OLD for 11 years. Not once have I had a healthy relationship off it. In real life is the way universe wants it.
I don’t think the environment of OLD is conducive to a real long term relationship. It breaks things down to a catalog where mainly men try to pick from the few women on the website. For me, arbitrary amounts of income aren’t that important (so many wealthy or aspiring wealthy psychos out there) but all the kinds of stuff that isn’t easy to get from a few pictures and a blurb on a profile. I also find it makes men present themselves pretty disingenuously. So many “red flags” on profiles, I’d rather not use it at all. I’ve had better luck meeting people in person, clubs, or even social media. One of the main downsides of OLD is that they mainly work but having and keeping as many users as possible. And the types of users who use OLD tend to have low standards or low value. I feel like a better designed app or website would just not be as popular. For example, okcupid had a lot of questions you can answer to weed out people who weren’t compatible. But you could answer in such a vague general way you’d be compatible with everyone. And other apps like tinder made websites like that get way less popular. And from my understanding, okcupid was mostly used by people looking for a casual relationship anyway.
Point 3 about the algorithm....you're so right about standards. So many women here have complained how Tinder and others will repeatedly keep showing you men you swiped left on, or have a filter feature but show you outside your preferences anyway...and some apps will even mix these men in! Dating apps were made by men, for men, and these men carry the misogynist belief that no woman truly knows what she wants.🍵
I don't use apps that make women pay. I only reply to good messages from good to me profiles. Most men think dating apps = free prostitutes, we are not missing out on anything if we quit the apps.