Rant about my own community lol

I'm really pissed off at my own community, although in a way I always am. Not my community, but how the minority uses their experience to paint the majority.

There is a show on Netflix called "Indian matchmaker" or something. That's when people started this discussion as a whole. Also, there's a YouTube short where this indian commedian talks about marrying her husband after 20 days.

https://youtube.com/shorts/0F12uvTQ1GI?feature=share

All the Indians in the comment section were happy to finally control the narrative about arranged marriage. Yes, you should control the narrative about YOUR marriage, YOUR families marriages.

Here's a sum what they described. "My family did extensive background checks, they picked 60 of the best ones keeping my preferences in mind (because my family knows me best), and I got to talk to them and date them until I decided who was best for me"

Who doesn't want that experience! That's pure luxury. 10 matchmakers, who know me since birth, keeping all my preferences in mind are working round the clock to find the best guys for me. Height, education, income taken into account? I just have to date them and talk to them until I like one best? That's like having a dating app manager do hours of swiping for you!

"My dad showed my sister a huge box of pictures. Hundreds. She just had to choose the pictures she liked. Attached to the pictures were extensive background information (we call them biodatas)"

My aunt had a similar experience. Her sisters did not. I will have something similar.

These types of comments made me laugh

"I think westerners have a very different idea of arranged marriage, one wherein it's forced. Actually arranged marriages are more like speed dating. The people who know you best run extensive background checks and present options to you. It's a lot of fun"

Of course it's fun. We had fun when my 2nd aunt had this experience. But speed dating? That wasn't allowed in my grandparents generation. They got married in the 70s. It was like attacking a girl's honor if you asked her if she dated her husband before they married. It wasn't allowed for my mother, her sister, or anyone that attended her indian girls school. By then, I agree that it was normal in many parts of India.

The social media wave hit india a little later. The indians who are privileged enough to belong to modern, liberal, middleclass and above families are using a modern definition of arranged marriages. They live in a bubble. People that live in Mumbai, delhi, goa, the most developed and metropolitan places are rightfully upset that people abroad see them through an archaic, backwards, poverty stereotype. They want people to know how free and modern their lives are.

They think they have the average experience in India. India has an extremely tiny middle class sector. These people live in a bubble and they think they represent what is "normal" in India. They are happy and comfortable to choose the person they like, so why should they learn what the lives of less fortunate places in India are like. I mean, have they ever asked their house keeper if she dated her husband before she married him?

I think it's important that these people speak out. It's wrong that when you tell people your parents had an arranged marriages, they become horrified. They assume the mother was a victim and the father took advantage of her. I would hate to have people say that about my parents.

They should tell people their stories so people know how consensual and effective arranged marriages can be. I'm going to get one after all. They are right to explain that arranged and forced marriages are different, but they are wrong to use their experiences to cover what the majority experience.

Only me and 3 people were careful to make it clear that this is what arranged marriage means to a privileged minority. The majority is still coerced in some way when they say they had an arranged marriage. Or most importantly, they were not involved in the decision (which still isn't forced). The indians you meet in America get to make the final decision when they marry. The average non-middle class family in India, not so much.

Like here's another nuance to how much normal varies in India.

Lets say you live in Goa, Mumbai, delhi, etc. Love marriages are normal. People are expected to date their spouse first. People look at you concerned you say your parents will choose your husband.

A father like my grandfather who likes to pretend that he's worldly, open-minded, but isn't on the inside will arrange your marriage but it will be presented more like a love marriage. "Oh they get along so well" "they talk so much".

All the social media content about expensive indian weddings features the bride and groom being presented like they're so close and friendly. Keep in mind, I'm talking about a very specific scenario that I haven't seen because the culture in those states views love marriages as the norm. There's no doubt in my mind that those brides are in a love marriage.

Meanwhile, l live in the old city in Hyderabad (yes, it's called literally the old city, there's also new city and high tech city). We have to worry about how our reputation looks to a very different society here. We're conforming to very different norms. If you are lucky. Your parents agreed to let you marry your boyfriend regardless of you being allowed one in the first place. The wedding will be presented as an arranged marriage. The groom and the bride act like strangers. No cute couple photos. No smiling at each other. I know because I attended 3 of these wedding hosted by the same family.

These are the 4 types of marriages Indians experience within the community

1)

My parents choose my husband

= arranged marriage (only my parents had to say yes)

2)

My parents AND I choose my husband

= semi-arranged (both parties must say yes, or there will be no marriage)

3)

I, alone, choose my husband

= love marriage (family will try to persuade me or give me opinions, but I alone make this decision)

4) forced marriages ≠ arranged marriage

My grandfather told his parents they can choose any marriage partner for him. I am the same as him.

My mother loves to tell people the story of how she fell in love with my bio dad without ever seeing his picture when she was informed that her marriage was fixed. My aunt had a forced marriage, we still have sad discussions about it.

There are two distinct types of semi-arranged marriages

1)

I pick and my parents must say yes

2)

My parents pick and I must say yes.

If you feel interested in looking at the comment section I'm talking about. All the personal stories that indians are providing so people will finally stop thinking their arranged marriages were forced, are the latter type of semi-arranged marriage.