Question re: porn

At this point, I believe that the huge majority men in today's society are largely hopeless, and not suitable for love relationships. Women always seem to lose in the love equation, and men all have dirty secrets. A relationship is not something I will ever center in my life again. If I invite a man into my life, it will because of he will be of benefit to me, and it would be fun to have him around on the fringes. I like going on dates and travelling, so he can pay for all of that if he wants to be my companion. My time is no longer free, and my heart has become much smarter. Things will be my way, or no way.

Taking the parts you like and disregarding the rest is the best way to handle a man these days. They can have their secrets, but the moment it impacts my life is the moment I'm done. So, having a man around for entertainment? Sure! A man should be able to lift it, fix it, or pay for it--whatever "it" is. If he isn't willing to be what I need, then he gets tossed. Yes to masculine energy, but on my terms. Giving a man your heart is a sure-fire way to set yourself up for crushing disappointment at some point. So I choose to center myself instead--basically, what men have done for centuries when it comes to their relationships. The mindset shift it truly empowering.

I’m not sure how helpful this may be (some of the points have already been said in other comments) but I dated a porn addict for 9+ years (from age 16-26) and only realized when we moved in together during the pandemic. These are the things I now look out for going forward.

Things to watch for when vetting about porn use in men:

• If he has trouble getting/staying hard before or during sex

• If he has specific kinks that are only common in porn (i.e. anal, femdom, etc)

• If he uses only private browsers (and values privacy too much)

• If he’s protective of his phone

• If he takes long to poop/shower

• If he’s against knowing each other’s passwords (after 3-6+ months of dating)

• If he makes a lot of sexual jokes and/or misogynistic jokes about women

• If he doesn’t try to make you finish or learn what you like/what feels good for you

• If he follows thirst traps on instagram, TikTok, etc

• If he has a Snapchat (periodt)

• If he uses Reddit frequently (especially if he doesn’t share his username)

• If he has alternate accounts on any social media (insta, twitter, discord, etc)

While I do believe looking out for these things is key, the sad truth is that some men are still fantastic liars. The only HVM I’ve seen (I.e. Dr. Andrew Huberman) stay away from porn primarily because it fucks up your brain/dopamine receptors, which makes it harder to enjoy the less extreme things in life. usually the fact that its an awful industry that harms women comes secondary, but it does still matter to them, to a lesser degree. Aside from that, I think it’s just luck and taking the leap of faith to trust if the man seems promising.

A lot of men deem it as “normal”. But a lot of men I’ve seen watch it every day. That’s not normal to me. I mean woman don’t have to get off to it all the time. Why do men?

A lot men watch porn yeah, unfortunately that's just something we have to vet for and often be disappointed by. :(

To waste the least amount of time, I generally operate under the assumption that they do watch porn and start the conversation talking about kinks like "how do you feel about bdsm porn" or certain role-play porn etc and hint that I have some disgust towards that particular kink (but not porn in general). In general, the response I've gotten is that they try to reassure me that they only watch vanilla, or the light stuff etc so there's nothing to worry about. They think I'm satisfied with their response but in my head I've already blocked and deleted them. To top it off I'll usually do a bit of a slow fade before the block just so they have no idea what happened. Hope this helps weed out some of the liars!

Not all men watch porn. Trust me. I’ve dated men who don’t. Acting like women should lower their standards and settle for LV men is not FDS policy. FDS is also strictly anti porn so I’d relook at the handbook and FDS stances to realign yourself. You can keep your pro-porn stance for yourself, but that kinda attitude is pick-me behavior and what leads to women being in relationships with lvm who do more harm than good. It’s not a hv trait to have a limp dick, pornsick mind. I think the podcast eps with Gail Dines and Judge Toler would benefit you.

Hey OP, never believe a man who answers that question with "no". All men watch porn, any man that says "no i do not watch porn" is lying.

They realised you didn't know this when you asked that question and took advantage of it, and lied to you, because theyre shit.

It might suck to hear, but a man who admits to watching porn is more trustworthy. Its sadly impossible to know if he is using it or not, but being honest about watching porn is a good sign. Set boundaries and say if you are not comfortable with porn use during the relationship. If he agrees and seems understanding, then will just have to trust him. Look out for other signs that he is a honest and trustworthy person.

I fear I will be single forever because of this. You're strong for breaking up with them immediately after investing so much. So many potentially decent men have their minds and values warped by our stupid culture. It makes me despair.

Thank you for the good advice, and for your kind words. 💕

I agree ED would’ve been a big red flag. I noticed this during my casual sex days - dudes who did a lot of porn couldn’t get it up. It was pathetic. No ED in either of these relationships.

Kinks - hmmm yes that makes sense. I did notice toward the end both their sexual approaches changed. They were each a little more rough. Nothing too crazy, but looking back it was probably the porn.

In both relationships our sex life was almost nil toward the end, which is probably because they were fap-dogs. Maybe this?

I caught the latest because he accidentally “liked,” a porn video on his Twitter feed. The whole world could see it (including me). So I knew there was more - much more. Even a private browser couldn’t hide that.

I believe I only caught them both because they were consuming so much that the evidence was everywhere, they got reckless, and it was hard to hide anymore. 😣

Mostly I would rather know before I get involved with them - not after it’s too late and I’m emotionally connected. It hurts.

I wish there was a pre-sex red flag. Maybe I could pretend to like porn, and then ask them. Then they’d feel safe opening up about it & I could Next them. Only a true HVM would be like “Porn? Gross, no way,“ and I could be like “surprise! You won!”

But yep, it pretty much makes me want to give up.

Men who watch porn and are dishonest about it sometimes have subtle signs that they use it. For example, they might struggle with ED, they might have specific kinks that they push onto you, and they may browse in private mode or have different browsers like Duck duck Go. Ultimately, you can never really know if a man is lying to you about porn use. I’m so sad you’ve been through having your heart broken twice. It’s enough to make all of us want to walk away for good from dating and having a relationship. I have to believe a HVM would not be engaging in porn use, and this would have to be carefully vetted for throughout the relationship. No we can’t be babysitters but we can utilize all of the strategies and techniques we share with our sisters to give ourselves the best possible chance of vetting for porn use and avoiding LVM.

Thank you for your caring words. 🥰 I will take time to heal - the latest breakup is pretty fresh.

I agree, I need some kind of vetting strategy. And yes, men lie about lots of things.

It’s interesting to me: I’ve dated many guys who readily admit to their porn use. They have zero shame about it, so it’s easy to Next them. It’s the sneaky liars I don’t know how to identify. Ugh.

And I don’t think I told them it was a deal-breaker for me first. I believe I asked them and listened, then said it’s a deal-breaker for me - but my memory could be wrong. It’s been 12 years ago on the first one, but he was super anti-porn out of the gate. The other more recent guy (6 years ago) said it held no attraction for him, and he was also very pro-women‘s-rights, so those two things seemed to be a safe combo.

Good question. During early dating conversations, topics naturally came up like our opinions on books, politics, feminism, cultural and language stuff (they were both world travelers, as am I), and also porn.

So when it came up, yes I did ask them. One said he had major moral objections to porn. The other said it never appealed to him, so he didn’t consume it and didn’t understand the attraction men seem to have for it.

Both were liars. Both eventually turned out to be porn addicts. Whether they were porn addicts when we met, or they slowly developed their addictions over time, I do not know. All I know is that I caught them, and dumped them. The End.

I’m not sure what my options are for ferreting out the truth from men on this topic.

Do other women have experience in this area, feel like they got the truth, and their FDS relationships are truly porn-free?