Men are not our allies - an accidental field study

.... when it suits their ego and purpose.

Otherwise they consider your pain "none of their business", especially if it would mean confronting or embarrassing another man. It's a lot easier to look away and pretend you didn't see anything, right?

Edit: And I'm 100% sure that they would have asked what happened if it had been a male collague who showed up to work with a bruise like this. Just out of curiosity. And you know exactly why they ignore it when it's a woman: to avoid confrontation with another man and protect their potential mate. Bros before h**s and all that.

Well, domestic violence has been considered a "personal matter" for most of human history because women were basically property and carrying "family problems" outside could have damaged the family's(=the man's) reputation and all that.

It's not ancient history either. How many "domestic disturbance" and abuse calls and warnings from neighbors and witnesses were and are ignored every day by the police because they consider them "private matters to be resolved within the family" and "just a lover's quarrel. That's totally normal". And even if they show up they usually don't issue much more than a warning.

I know this was the case historically but the thought that it's still an issue and a thought process people have that we still have to contend with is sickening. What will it take for domestic violence towards women to be taken seriously? It really shows how deeply ingrained the patriachy is.

Funny how his main worry about you being injured and having bruises was "what will people think of ME?!" and his reputation and not....you know....your wellbeing. They do make everything about themselves, right?

And him saying that out loud and it being the first thought that comes to his mind is telling enough. It means the thought of beating you and potentially getting caught was very present in his subconscious mind at that point.

Indeed. One time he got physically rough with me and I said I was afraid of him in that moment and had no guarantee that he wouldn't escalate this to a full-on beating somewhere down the line. He said that "everyone is capable of violence" so there would never be a 100% guarantee and I should just assess the risk myself. I said the risk has gotten higher after him getting physical and he was offended how I could think that of him, and again fantasized/catastrophized about his reputation being ruined. It was all very, very concerning. I read "Why does he do that" a few months after and it was all downhill from there. I'm glad I read the early signs (thanks to FDS and Ovarit). He would have beaten me at some point, there's no doubt about it. And NO ONE would have believed me because he was the epitome of "harmless, nice guy" on the outside. He was an expert at crazymaking too.

And then if she does say something, hypothetically speaking, they'll probably say she's lying and trying to frame men

You parents' reaction is honestly what shocks me the most. They laughed at you for being hurt? Was that before or after they knew that it was an accident?

If I had come home from a date and party with my boyfriend with an unexplained black eye and a limp my dad would have put me in the car and driven me to the hospital and probably already dialed the police on the way.

The only things they knew were that I went on a date, came home late, and walked downstairs like that in the morning. I wasn't crying or looking extra sad I guess, but I also wasn't laughing myself. Just my normal "I need coffee" self. After the lolz my dad asked "Did you get in a fight with his ex or something?"...like that's the most likely scenario??

At the time I didn't think too much of it, and also I knew the real story of how I got the black eye which is indeed amusing. But yeah.