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I don't know how to make a long story short. My dad is from a Desi culture, my mom was not. For the most part, I have not grown up the Desi way. I don't speak the language, I don't follow their religion, I don't follow the culture for the most part (there are only a couple things that I believe have stuck with me - feeling guilty about eating pork, feeling very uneasy going out on a date, and not wanting to be alone with a man). I don't even look like a Desi - if anything, I look the most like my maternal grandma (even more so than my own mom, which is shocking).
However, my dad has always been persistent with me being "introduced" to a man because "at least we know the families." But just because you "know the family," it doesn't mean that the man won't bait-and-switch the first day of marriage and show himself for the scrote that he really is. The thing is, I'm not compatible with men from his religion and culture anyway (even though American men are shit in their own way). He has tried to say that since American men suck, why not just go for a Desi man. Uh - it doesn't matter if American men suck, it doesn't mean that the alternative is good either. It's not about either-or. (Sorry if I sound immature)
You gotta just grey rock as best you can. Those not raised in a Desi/Asian household will never truly understand how strict the parents are, how there is absolutely no arguing or disagreeing with elders. You can’t really say no to them unless you want your whole life to blow up. It’s easy for someone not from this culture to tell you to just tell your father no like he’d drop it. These parents are relentless. I don’t have any advice for you, just my sympathies as someone familiar with it. Tell him you want a love marriage. Tell him you only want to marry after you do xyz. That’s all I can suggest. Say you’re too American for a man from India. Try to get out of the conversation as much as possible. Good luck
My friend and I were “introduced” to men by our families when we were almost done college. We’re both East Asian and South East Asian descent. In both our cultures, these arranged marriages are called “introductions”, but it’s really the same as an arranged marriage, because you get coerced and manipulated into marrying someone they don’t want to marry.
For me, I was 20 when “introduced” to this family friend who was 6 years older than me. The guy was a complete wreck. He worked as a manual labourer. He was a sarcastic neg, who responded with put downs to everything I said. He tried to grope me on our first date alone. Complained because he didn’t want to stand in line to wait for me to buy my Pandora earrings. He couldn’t even afford $70 earrings! During our family dinner, his dad nudged him to take initiative and pay for our meals, which he complained. At the end of the meal, his father sheepishly push a white envelope towards me and said it was a birthday gift. In it was $250. Apparently, he even know how much of a shitshow his son is lol Anyways, I called it off. My parents went ballistic and told me that they weren’t going to help me anymore in regards to my romances. I’m like dude, don’t threaten me with a good time. I’m in my thirties now. I’ve finished college, grad school, and got hired right away after school. I have a roof over my head, and I pay my own bills. Mylife would have been so different had I married him right out of college. I discovered that I made double what he makes at my entry level job (now triple) I had back then. I would have been able to realize that I am capable of achieving so much. What I’ve realized in all of this is to holdout and wait for better.
As for my friend, it was more of a political/business move. She comes from a prominent family. She knew of the guy from childhood, so it was a cute fairy tale story which is why she agreed to it. However, they never kept in touch and he was living in the USA while she stayed in the UK. Due to the distance, he cheated on her numerous times and has a mistress. Both families stepped in and thought that all of this would stop if she got pregnant. She ended up delivering a still born baby and doctors said that she can never have children again. Her husband ended up getting the mistress pregnant. However, due to her culture and religion, divorce is highly frowned upon on both sides, so they’re both married on paper but doing their own thing. She ended up flying back to her home country and holds a position in her government and actively compaigns for women’s right in that country.
I've definitely seen it work out well... for like, 1% of people who engage with it. Luckily most girls and women I've known who had the threat of a forced marriage hanging over them somehow managed to wriggle out of it.
My uncle tried to guilt trip me into an arranged marriage last year. I straight up lied and told him I was a lesbian to get him off my back. He freaked out and told my mom and she freaked out and told me not to go around saying things like that. It was funny tho 😅
I feel that a certain "silence" on this (well, barring a couple exceptions here) about what my dad wants indicates that FDS isn't opposed to this kind of matchmaking but for me it's a lot more than that; I'm against his "arrangement" philosophy because I'm not compatible with the religion/culture of the people who he wanted to use for resources. I don't know how I'd feel if I were compatible, but I still don't think that this method guarantees that the man will be well-behaved after marriage.
If you don't want to be in an arranged marriage, don't agree to be set up in an arranged marriage?
Just say no. I don't know what else you need to hear.
I mean, I get it. I grew up in an East Asian household. The pressure to marry an "appropriate man" and have children is huge. But at some point, you just have to muscle up and say, "No thanks, dad, I will not allow you to dictate who enters my vagina."
It's abuse for the man AND woman, but mostly for the woman.
Men who think it's better than women finding exactly what we want or staying single are pro-slavery.
Arranged marriages seem like an advanced vetting technique families used to protect their daughters from predators (which is basically all men on dating apps)
Well, if your family likes you and actually wants you to be happy, you're probably better off with them picking you a husband. If your family hates you, then do it yourself. Love marriage doesn't work most of the time. So either way, I don't see a problem with meeting the candidates they have for your husband. You don't have to say yes.