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Girlboss culture is one of the most sneakily toxic ways to package up pickmeism under the guise of faux empowerment. It's everywhere and it's brainwashing the younger generations of women to overwork themselves - whilst slowly robbing them of their femininity.
One of my former friends I posted about before seemed to level up and have a potentially HV relationship - until she fell victim to toxic girlboss culture. She had started taking care of her health, lost weight, moved into her own place, went back to school, and had one decent job to keep herself afloat. She was so happy and Then she met what seemed to be a hvm. He "supported her" and pushed girlboss culture onto her along with some of her pickme coworkers. Instead of taking one or two classes at a time while working her one job - she decided to take SIX. That one job became a second job after her bf "supported and encouraged her" on it. Then the opportunity for a third job came along and he "cheered her on" as she accepted it.
She's now running herself ragged. He "saw how stressed she was with school, the bills, and eating healthy" and of course convinced her to move in way too quickly. Now she's cooking him meals, cleaning up after him, paying half the rent, failing one of her classes already, and gaining back the weight she fought so hard to loose. Of course, he "loves her cooking" and "loves seeing her succeed as a superwoman who does it all and still finds time to love her man." 🤢
This is not okay. I'm tired of seeing so many wonderful woman get swindled into thinking that they have to overload themselves and flounder about as they slowly drown. Girlboss culture is sickening because you're rewarded and praised as you take on more and more alone, without asking for help or saying no. Other girlbosses will reassure you because they like to pretend that they also can flawlessly manage it all. "Yeah thats how it is," they'll say, "well I do x, y, z, and still take care of the house and get to work on time." Add kids into the mix, and they're about half loosing their mind due to the ridiculous amount of stress and the pressure from other girlboss moms to "do it all". Basically, you're willingly functioning as a single mom, even if you're married or living with the father - you've just been duped into thinking doing it all is what women are supposed to do. Maybe the dude will smile and tell you how you're his superwoman and the love of his life because he doesn't have to lift a finger. You're so empowered that you wouldn't dare ask for help.
There's also this push that women need to have a "side hustle" or open up their own business. If you aren't working three jobs - or if you're a SAHM - girlbosses will go on and on about how they successfully opened a small business via a MLM gimmick or doing an ebay type of thing. "Well I'm home all the time with my kids, so this is a great way to make money." You'll be expected to be simultaneously changing diapers while selling items and deal with crying kids as you try to ship orders for just a little extra money and a lot of headache. The reality is that SAHMS already do multiple jobs: babysitters, chefs, taxis, secretary, maids, teachers, entertaining the kids, etc. And now she is expected to add more to her plate ....
Even though the 1950s and before that were full of msyogyny and many women were trapped in bad marriages many women were allowed to be SAHMs or housewives. That was her only "job". She wasn't expected to pay half the bills or study or work, she often times wasn't expected to have a side hustle. She was just supposed to take care of the house, cook, and raise any kids. (I don't agree with the 50s ways but hear me out) and now a woman's "worth" is correlated to her ability to still be a housewife/SAHM as well as having a full time job, side hustle, paying bills, being educated, and still being romantic. See the msyogyny? Society has tricked women into still being tye 1950s housewife AND working AND paying bills. These men are getting EVEN MORE now in 2023, then they have gotten before - while having the pickmes brainwashed into thinking they're empowered.
How in the hell is anyone supposed to do all of that and be genuinely happy and healthy? It is not possible. There is no way to maintain your femininity when you are so stressed out and overwhelmed doing it all. And even if you somehow managed to find the energy to do it all, how would anyone even find the sex drive to want to sleep with a man that you just cooked for, cleaned up for after going to your classes and jobs? (And then it's still a woman's fault when she "let's herself go").
Being a REAL girl boss and actually being empowered looks like setting boundaries, knowing your limits, asking for help, and NOT DOING IT ALL. My friend had been getting all A's when she only took 1 or 2 classes at a time, was more confident, and really enjoyed her one job, she had the time to dress cute and style herself which gave her a lot of confidence. She maintained her femininity and a clear mind at that point. And now she's been duped thinking she's a "real woman" now. Of course generational cycles can feed into this if you came from a family where women were always doing too much- you may even think the overwhelm is normal. Stress is not healthy - you will age faster, be more likely to gain weight, mentally you'll suffer, and you'll be more likely to have diseases. Your body will keep score.
I understand that some of us have to do what we have to do to pay our bills and get by. If you are overwhelmed though - make a plan and think about how you can work smarter and not harder.
Girlbossing is not the way to live - its a pickme Olympics where pickmes pretend to cheer each other on as they see who can overwhelm themselves the most and not keel over. They'll try to drag you down and into it too - remember that misery loves company.
Be proud and unflattering with your boundaries and standards - you are the one who is ultimately empowered for prioritizing your mental and physical and knowing what you can handle. There is no prize for struggling.
Thank you so much for writing this. I’d never put it all together but this is exactly how I’ve been fucked over. My ex-husband was so proud of me but I was a wreck. Since I’ve been single (and not had to clean up after and support him), I’ve really started to find myself. My last relationship threw me off but you’ve helped me identify the root of what I’ve been struggling with.
This reminds me of the wisdom I heard a long time ago. Because I was a kid when I heard it I didn't really fully understand it then, but after seeing all the expectations placed on women it is so important to remember.
"Just because you can, doesn't mean you should".
I wish I could upvote this a hundred times. Thanks for this! So much truth in there. I've been going on about toxic productivity culture and fake empowerment for a long time. It's like another patriarchal, capitalistic scam to make women slaves to everyone else but themselves. Keep them buried under responsibilities so they never have a chance at true self-actualization. And then tell them that this is the greatest possible achievement for a woman. If you're not doing it all, you're not doing enough. I care about my education/intellectual pursuits, my hobbies and my work and therefore I have already decided I'm not going to be a mom and housewife on top of that. People are baffled how I dare to set priorities and limits instead of trying to be everything and nothing at the same time. Society hates nothing more than women who already know who they are (and aren't) and don't to change that. Who focus on their strengths instead of their perceived deficits.
So well written! Girlboss culture needs to be called out more often. We deserve the soft life especially after all we’ve been through bc of patriarchy
This is exactly the message I had to hear today. After working a 40hr day job work week and doing 16 hours of musician gigs this weekend, the current guy I'm seeing wanted me to drive with him 1.5 hours out of town to play music at a bar. Non-paid, wouldn't get home till 2am (work in the morning). I told him I wasn't feeling well and needed to take care of myself today and lay off the caffeine and ADHD medicine I'm prescribed. Seriously needed to hear this message.
I wish I could upvote this a hundred times. Thanks for this! So much truth in there. I've been going on about toxic productivity culture and fake empowerment for a long time. It's like another patriarchal, capitalistic scam to make women slaves to everyone else but themselves. Keep them buried under responsibilities so they never have a chance at true self-actualization. And then tell them that this is the greatest possible achievement for a woman. If you're not doing it all, you're not doing enough. I care about my education/intellectual pursuits, my hobbies and my work and therefore I have already decided I'm not going to be a mom and housewife on top of that. People are baffled how I dare to set priorities and limits instead of trying to be everything and nothing at the same time. Society hates nothing more than women who already know who they are (and aren't) and don't to change that. Who focus on their strengths instead of their perceived deficits.
This is something I really don't get. A boss is supposed to be the one to delegate tasks, they aren't supposed to be the workhorse. A real "girlboss" would have her man cooking, cleaning, and/or working for her; not the other way around.
It's double brainwashing-- one from the capitalist class, another from patriarchy. Both trick you into overworking yourself for the parasite class' benefit by making you think YOU benefit from an action that only ever will benefit THEM. It also makes you too tired to rebel or even think, "hey, this isn't okay"
This is perfection. Absolutely true and well-put. Thank you.