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When I was younger, I used to self-harm. At 14, I had a collection of scars on my thighs. I didn't want others to know that I had self-harm scars, mainly because 14-year-olds aren't always sensitive people and I feared the reaction of my classmates. So when we had to swim during a school trip, I asked my homeroom teacher if I could sit out.
When I told her why, she reacted in a way that would stick with me for the rest of my life.
"But what about your future boyfriend? How would he react to those scars?"
I was too shocked to really respond at the time, but God I wish I had. I'm sure she meant well (or at least, I hope she had meant well) but fuck that's just about the worst thing she could have told me.
You should stop harming yourself, not because self-harm is just a vicious cycle of anger, pain, and shame, but because one day a man might look at the scars on your arms and your thighs and decide that somehow he is the true victim here.
Because one day, a man might look at the scars on your arms and your thighs and decide that you are no longer worthy of being fucked, or being viewed as something other than broken, or being treated like normal.
I'm not the only one who has been told this. It seems like such a common response to young girls who've harmed their bodies in one way or another.
Has anyone else been through the same?
(And for the record, It didn't even help me stop.)
I've never self-harmed, but I've been told similar things about my surgical scars, including many people suggesting I get it tattood over (which, btw, isn't as easy as people think, since the ink doesn't set into scar tissue well). It always irks me when people make comments like that because I think scars are badass. Regardless of how they were obtained, they are marks that prove you've gone through something significant--and you're still standing. I wear mine like a badge of honor, and if anyone else has a problem with that, then it goes to show they are mentally weak, as they in have low self esteem, have never gone through hardship and conquered, or do not have self awareness not to make such unwarranted comments about someone else's body. A HVM will see the badassery in your scars, or he won't even notice them at all because you enamor him so much just being you.
Well I hope you’re doing better now 💛
Thats the thing about how were raised as girls. Everything we do is about our future boyfriend/husband. A hvm will not care about scarring. Weather these are self harm scars or not, he will just see them as part of you.
I’ve heard of women wanting to get their tubes tied and the doctor will say “what if your future husband wants kids?”
Like this even matters. I stopped shaving for a period of time and just went natural and my own mom told me I wouldn’t get a boyfriend like that.
Not everything we do is about being perfect for men. Scars, tattoos, hairy legs, wrinkles, whatever else - a hvm will not care. He will love you either way.
Its sad that this is the message girls have heard for generations and it’s a message that we still hear.
We as women live for us , not for men.
the conditioning runs deep, doesn't it? it's fortunate that you've seen through it and can make choices based on what serves YOUR best interests vs. feeling like you must preserve yourself based on your value to the patriarchy.
i do have a feeling that this girl probably thought she was guiding you towards the best path and possibly saving you from another self-harm episode. she obviously was not qualified to be advising teens with self-harm practices.
i lift weights. i constantly hear stories about men telling lean, athletic, muscular women that they are too muscular and look like men. no man has ever told me this...but if he did, i would laugh in his face. i could give a shit if i don't embody the perfect ideal of the feminine (which changes every season, by the way, according to celebrity trends and is probably based on whatever pharmaceutical drugs are being marketed to them at the time).
i also have scars. most people like them and find them interesting.
the longer i live, the less other people's unsolicited comments about my body impact me.
Yes, I experienced this. My mother would ask me "What will your husband think?" about my self harm scars. God, it used to make me so angry. Like, I'm 13 and depressed out of mind and all you can think of is if some ugly scrote will find me fuckable in the future? As other commenters replied, the conditioning runs super deep.
I hope you're doing better sis and know that anyone (especially any man) who judges you for that isn't worth your time.
WTF that teacher sounds like a pick me bitch.