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Hi all, I recently got into a discussion with family about another family member of ours. They were going on and on about the mother's behavior with the kids with no mention of the father so I brought up that we should also be talking about him too instead of just ragging on mom. I was also challenging them that it wasn't easy to break cycles (her mother was involved with abusive men) and we should in general not be judging people, especially women for what they went through and how well they are coping or not, especially without professional help. But back to the main question.
As you can probably guess my statement was not received well and also ignored and overtrodden with defense of the father but no sympathy for the mother. The main argument from them, to my shock, was the complete denial of the father's involvement and responsibility because she wanted them, not him, so it's more on the mother's shoulders than his.
Cue my question. I am curious what everyone's thoughts here are on this and how to respond, especially when people are so adamant that a man who help conceive children isn't responsible for them. Maybe it's a block and delete situation, but I'm curious on how to navigate and fight back against this in the future. To me, it makes no sense that a man who conceived a child is not responsible for them in any way shape or form, the only time may be if they truly didn't know the child existed. What are y'all's feelings thoughts? What are some good responses to this type of thinking? Or recommended reading?
This is infuriating to me.
A woman cannot control when her egg is released. She can't even tell when it is happening, or if it has happened and the egg is sitting waiting to be fertilized.
Men are 100% aware of and are in complete control when and where their sperm is released and choose into whom it goes. And yet it's somehow the woman's sole responsibility when she gets pregnant? SHE "wanted" the baby? Someone please make this make sense.
“Ejaculate Responsibly” by Gabrielle Blair
“That family member of ours is a deadbeat dad. What tf is wrong with you for thinking abandoning kids is ok? Do you have secret kids out there you want to tell me about or something?” And then stop talking to this misogynistic family member.
Saying she wanted kids and he didn't is all obfuscation. The reality is they see men as victims of their desires, women responsible for men's actions, and women gate keepers of sex. If you really want to see it, turn the question around - what if he wanted kids and she didn't? Would she be given a pass? Of course not for the reasoning I listed.
Best to not argue and avoid. These people are just misogynists.
I noticed when I was a child how men say they don’t want kids, but want the women they partner with to want kids. By the time I was a teenager, I had figured out that they do this so they can eat their cake and have it too: they get to have children to carry on their genes and take care of them in their old age, but they also get to absolve themselves of any responsibility for their care and upbringing by saying “well, you were the one who wanted them, not me”.
I call stuff like this out every single time. It is a long and hard road to effect societal change.
It is absolutely atrocious. I feel like vomiting as I read this.