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In the fall, I'll be getting a new supervisor. We are a digital company and roles are WFH, but my upcoming new boss is in town for a conference and wanted to meet for dinner tonight with his wife.... so I went. Just to preface, we hardly know each other but he's worked over another team at my company for 5 years.
Just some shorthand observations.
He included his wife at the beginning of our conversation and was really sweet to her in hopes (what seemed) she wouldn't feel left out of his "work stuff."
Eventually he called another woman we work with his "work wife" in front of his wife... she was clearly not satisfied with this term and kept protesting by saying, "No, you guys were more like Bill and Ted." She kind of said it over and over. My boss barely noticed her point but I sure as hell did. I wanted to high five that lady so badly LOL. "Work wife".... pffft.
His wife is a travelling nurse and they move and live all over the world every 3 months. Before recently, they were in Guam. They are in their 40s and have been married 20 years. They have kids from previous marriages.. they dated in HS and I guess he was a jerk to her. Later he decided she was the one (LOL).. way later. After they both had married once and had kids with a previous spouse....
I was nervous about meeting him because I hardly know him and it's a man in charge of my pay (f that), but honestly it seemed more like he was trying to sell himself to me the whole night. About how the change will be okay (the change has all of us nervous). I was trying to discern if he was trying to make me feel okay about such a massive switch up or if he was just scroting out.
He has a good heart for the profession we are in. The things he stated are important to him align well with what I already do and also find important at work. It seems mostly like a great fit.
We've professionally butted heads in the past (honestly it was miscommunications from other people nothing he nor I did, and none of it was anything major), but he's also been great to me the few other times when we interacted.
I know he's nice and people who've worked under him say great things at least from what I've heard, but I also get the sense that he packs some heat can be too staunch, doesn't understand certain things about our daily work.
We did dinner, but it lasted 4 and 1/2 hours. I was tired and so was his wife and he just kept talking LOL. Men love their own voice so much.
It went well, I feel good about it all, but I'm curious what FDSers get from these things? The last time I had a male boss he was fucking two different subordinates and since I wasn't one of them that guy mostly treated me like shit. Just makes me nervous to work under a man again because I've worked under amazing women for years and have absolutely loved it (why t f are they changing things). The "work wife" he talked about was my last supervisor here and I've never had a better experience with someone as my boss. She was absolutely fantastic and molded me to get better in my field. She was actually life-changing.
Whole thing just has me nervous. Curious what you all get from this and how to best protect myself at work this upcoming year. And trust me, I know... the "work wife" comment was 🤮
Not entirely thrilled about the “work wife” situation. Keep an eye on him. I don’t trust married men who are like this.
Are there any women who have worked under his supervision/superiority who you can low key connect with and suss out more insight? You probably won't have to ask directly, but if you can gauge body language and subtle reactions to him being brought up (if they're there), that might help.
I understand your hesitation. It may be warranted. And, it may not be. He may well be able to honor professional boundaries and you will just have 'a new chapter'. I think it's healthy to have your eyes wide open going into this.
In a non-urgent way, I would keep tabs on other opportunities. (you may already be doing this anyway). Just Keep your options open, both internally in the org/company and externally. You always want to have something in your back pocket. Keep in communications with other valuable ppl in your network just in case it's time to be ready for another opportunity, at some point. Other than that, make the most of this one. It may turn out well. I'm grateful for some excellent male mentors/superiors I've had. It can happen.
If it's all WFH? That removes a LOT of potentially negative factors.
Just keep your senses about you, write things down if they feel off. Sometimes a 'frog in the beaker' can not notice the temperature slowly rising. If there are issues that pop up, write them down. Then you can review things objectively , with the passing of time, and assess. There's always the risk of gaslighting, abuses of power, boundary violations, unprofessionalism etc etc etc. (I'm not talking about ordinary work stuff, it's normal to have challenges sometimes, but specifically MALE superior shiz).
If you think he's in fact acting in good faith, an d you know some of those things you mentioned about him already, maybe you can find a way to present/explain more about the nature of your work if it arises. An 'educational' moment, so to speak.
Hope some of that helps. Change can often feel uncomfortable. But you never know... it could just be something that opens up even more for you than the last amazing chapter...
Just stay true to your guns.
Oh and, just a reminder in case you need it: Maintain professional boundaries. Be friendly/courteous, but not 'too' friendly. Men may 'like' you for it, but they won't RESPECT you. It will very likely be a different dynamic to the one you had with your prior superior. As I'm sure you're aware. You always need to set the tone that it is a professional relationship. And reinforce it again and again and again.
Hope that helps somewhat, at least to get the cogs turning. Take what works, and leave the rest.
The worst bosses I've ever had have been women, but it sounds like this is a boss you shouldn't be alone in any room with. However he sounds generally OK, he gets points for bringing his wife along!