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So this happened tonight:
I sell companies. Today an interested buyer invited my client and I out to discuss our business for sale. The buyer is the President of his large company, my client is the CEO of his smaller company, and I am the investment banker who facilitates these discussions.
In these meetings, the buyer always pays: he invited us, we went out of our way to accommodate his location and schedule, and he is “courting,” my client.
The check arrives. The buyer doesn’t move. He continues talking past his deadline to leave (he had a dinner afterward). He mentions he’s “late,” and asks ME to cover it since he’s in a hurry.
I’m pissed. I am the least wealthy person at the table. I am paid ONLY when we close a deal. I don’t have a corporate expense account. He does, and he’s traveling on his company’s dime. Further, he invited US to meet, and now he’s weaseling out of paying. He obviously doesn’t want to impress my client. And he’s playing a power game by asking the lowest-status person at the table to pay - me. 😠
I told him he could Venmo me, then paid after he left. He said sure, so I requested the money from him. I have zero faith he’ll pay me.
Ladies: men like this, are shit. And I am sick of interacting with selfish, cheap, low value men. I’m tired of having to be on my toes every second of every interaction them, waiting for the moment they try to screw me over. I am tired of anticipating tactics I’ll need, just to protect myself from their bullshit.
If he doesn’t pay me, I will message his company CEO and tell her what he did. I’ll also tell her he drinks a LOT (2 glasses of wine and a manhattan in one hour, JFC).
Further…this incident reconfirms my 4B status: men abuse, manipulate, gaslight, and seek every personal advantage while giving NOTHING. Why would I consider dating, when this is how they operate?
Some of us will say, “oh, you should always be ready to push back,” or “just pay and leave.” Sure! But why should we women always have to plan ahead, strategizing what we’ll do & say when we encounter assholes? And why should we be under pressure, manipulated to react in the moment? Women constantly have to worry about our safety, being abused and taken advantage of, when interacting with men. And if we date/marry one, we have to worry about protecting our bodies, time, resources and emotional labor from their predatory behavior. It’s all downside with men.
I’m angry and I am fed UP. 😡
This reminded me of when I was in charge of a networking event where business owners were mixing. All they had to pay for were their alcoholic drinks. This group of four men (four wealthy men) had one tab between them. When it came time to pay, the bill was only $100. Not a lot for four men together. At least I thought.
The man paying came to me and complained. I get the feeling that he offered to pay because he wanted to look like the big man in front of the other men whose bill he was picking up, but he wanted to get a discount from little female me. The whole vibe of the event was slightly upper class so I was definitely shocked that he was approaching me for a discount. People generally want to impress at these things. But like a cheapskate, he acted annoyed and said he wanted to see a breakdown of what everyone ordered.
I couldn't keep the disdain off my face when I walked him to the bar. I started to pull up his receipt but couldn't help myself by saying, "You drank a lot." Again, they really didn't, $100 is not a lot for four men! But I wanted it clear that he wasn't getting a discount on the good quality drinks. I gave him my best ice queen look, and he declined to look at the breakdown of the bill when I presented it. Instead, he angrily pays, stares into my face like a psychopath, drops a $2 bill into the tip jar and stalks off. I guess he thought I worked on tips.
I like telling that story around town, and I definitely make sure to name him.
Hey I know the feeling of exhaustion from always having to watch our backs. The deprogramming process does feel exhausting because we've been bred to be so customer service oriented and that's already drained us. Reconditioning takes just as much effort as the original programming does.
But really, it's an energy tradeoff. When you stop using energy on how to make sure everyone else is happy, avoiding conflict or displeasure, or trying to assume the best in people and always give the benefit of the doubt, you refocus that energy on always being on guard.
Don't worry about being polite, or nice, or obliging to something you don't want or shouldn't have to do. Don't be so thoughtful of others. Don't even follow the rules if you don't feel like it.
Once you stop doing those things, it's wayyyyy less tiring to anticipate behaviors that do not align with your best interests or well-being. Then when someone inevitably calls you a bitch or other slur because you're being "difficult" (not tolerating their bullshit) you can already see it coming and not be as affected by it because they lost your respect when tried to test your patience. So their opinion of you being a bitch means nothing.
And if they try to "ruin your reputation" by telling other people you're a bitch, they're actually doing you a favor because these said people won't think they can take advantage of you and will think twice before stepping to you.
Once you start leaning into your entitlement to take up space, expect respect, and become immune to societal pressure to always be man's loyal best friend, you won't even find vetting to be a chore. You'll naturally revolt at not being treated like a queen and just react (usually with immediately removing yourself) instead of having to calculate.
Always be comfortable so you can leave whenever you're uncomfortable. So until a man causes (and a lot of them will almost instantaneously, especially if you're very sensitive which is a good thing!), don't stress too much.
It's a learning process, but will become easier with time
I completely agree with everything! hell, i could have written this. it is such a hastle and so dangerous. we already have so much CPTSD from past abuse (in our families, from past pasrtners, from society and the way it treats us). why on earth would i keep put myself through more bad situations while looking for love?
"you can avoid LVM by vetting"
i know and agree, but that is extremely stressful. the whole point of finding a HV partner is to be comfortable, to love and be loved. how can i do that when i need to vet for life? men make dating impossible for us. i'm tired of wasting my energy on them too.
also, if you ever find yourself in a similar situation, i think it would be apropriate to say "no, i cannot. i can pay for my own expenses, though" when the LV potential buyer asks you to cover his expenses.
Jesus fucking Christ.
Can you get reimbursed?
Also, did your client (the CEO of the smaller company) notice anything amiss, or did this interaction not seem to bother him?
This could've been a "power move". As in, see how much disrespect you can take so he can leverage that in future interactions. These games are super common with these psychos and all you have to do to crush them is eyeroll and ignore.
Not sure who laughed at this, or why? I don’t find this funny at all.
LMFAO im sorry but that is insane i know we're talking about LVM here but this reminds me of when I saw ina garten buying veggies at a market and asked the camera crew for their $$ cause she forgot her wallet. Meanwhile she was talking about her two houses im like giiirl. Yeeea I don't think I want to be near any kind of 'Executives".
I would split a check. Tell the waiter that I am only paying for myself.