Impostor syndrome in grad school is making me feel fucking terrible

I did a PhD in physics so I can relate and share some of my own experiences. You mentioned with respect to your imposter syndrome “everyone understands every philosopher and speaks like 20 languages”. I am going to warn you on this one - and especially true with men - they don’t understand every philosopher nor speak 20 languages. Trust me. My field is male dominated and a lot of men LOOOOVVE bragging about how much they know, making obscure references, engaging in tricks to be dominant and appear intelligent. And they seemed so confident that at first, I assumed the only reasonable and logical way for them to be so confident would be for them to have actually spent time learning and reading about the topic. WRONG! I found that when I dug deeper, it turned out that even though they claimed to have studied a topic - it really meant they just skimmed a few articles. Or something very surface level. They exaggerate how much they know.

My point is that the most intelligent and valuable people in science are typically not the ones who need to constantly boast. They are focused on learning, growing, networking, and doing their research. And they tend to be humble and open minded to different perspectives and interpretations. Surround yourself with these people as much as you can - it will be great for your mental health and self esteem. And I hope you can find another woman in your department and become her friend. That helped me out a lot to have a female mentor. As a woman, I didn't always fit in easily with my male peers

As for the rest, I see you have listed some healthy habits for coping, like healthy eating, sleeping, exercising, etc. You can’t always control where are at now, but you can always be better today than you were yesterday so I hope you continue to prioritize this since it’s easy to let these things fall to the wayside. A PhD is a marathon and not a race - so be patient with yourself, expect to fail a lot (and know that it is normal), and know that a career in science is a lifelong journey of learning. Being curious and asking questions should be part of the process, and it's a good way to bond with colleagues who are worth bonding with. It sounds like you may be over eager to bond with them, and sometimes relationships just need time to develop organically. This sometimes can take a few years.

I Wish you luck! I hope you decide to do a PhD, and if you do, make sure you have a good advisor who treats you well , gives you interesting projects, and introduces you to people.

It sounds like you are still searching for a place to fit in, which isn't helping your current self-esteem issues. Grad school is a unique ecosystem that doesn't really exist outside of academia. It's not like corporate life or the "real world" at all. Let yourself off the hook, you're not going to fit into every single environment out there.

You're giving them too much power over you. People can sense desperation (been there!) so the best thing you can do for yourself is pull back your efforts. See who steps forward. It's ok if no one does, that just means you haven't found your tribe yet. This could be a sign to start cultivating relationships outside of the grad school environment. Start spending consistent time at a coffee shop off campus, for example, and see how you fare. As you begin to develop a life outside of school, you will begin to feel more confident, and that will shine through. Their approval will matter less to you and the stakes won't feel as high.

edit for typo

Ex-grad student here 🙋🏻‍♀️ and I felt that way for a little while. I just graduated last month.

Anyways, I was the youngest one in my program with less than a years worth of work experience. Most of my colleagues were in the field for 10+ years and held higher positions. It was safe to say that I felt dumb for the duration of my program.

Try to remember what it was like starting college after highschool. You didn't know anything and you went from being one of the smartest kids in the room to bot knowing anything. Once you have this mentality and acceptance of not knowing anything, but willing to learn, you'll be fine.

I remembered doing my second bachelors and like 60% of those kids were rich private school kids with connections to certain industries. What made me realize that I belonged was the fact that the school accepted both of us from different social standings because we were both intellectulas that met the school's criteria standards.

It goes away once you realize your worth. For me, my biggest hurdle was that, I was working alongside colleagues who were jealous or thought that my field was stupid. Long story short, they tried to give a second year student advice on something they knew nothing about, or were just outdated information. Stupid me took their advice thinking that people get smarter with age. I felt like I didn’t belong and almost dropped out of the program if not for my professor. Long story short, I left the company all together and it was the best decision ever since that environment kept me from growing.

My advice to you is to talk to a professor during office hours. Talk to a female professor preferably older or one you can trust.

Improving your self esteem can be a different journey for everyone, so it's difficult for me to give advice that would 100% fit your case, though I'll share things that I learned through mine, maybe it'll be helpful to you?

- you're always gonna be yourself, you're never going to wake up being someone else, you can hate her as much as you like but it's pointless, so you have no choice but to invest in what you have right now.

- you're never gonna be fully happy if you're not comfortable in your own skin, you might have the whole world but would still be unsatisfied, do you always want to be sad?

- low self esteem is about exaggerating your "bad" traits and downplaying your good traits, you're basically biased against yourself, it's not a realistic way of thinking, but it convinces you it is.

- there's no fucking way you're as horrible as you make yourself out to be, like are you a serial killer? Are you a scam artist who prey on poor people? Why on earth are you treating yourself like you're the scum of earth?

- a lot of the people you admire are not shit, they're a representation of what you want to be but can't, it's also an extension of your bias, if you evaluate them for who they actually are you'll find out they're nothing special

- the small things you focus on about yourself are not as important as you make them out to be, your mannerisms are not really important, everyone has a way of speaking, and even if people don't like them and hate you for it, do you really want to be around shallow assholes? Is those people's opinions what you look up to and follow?

- you're never going to reach your full potential when you hate yourself, because you're not being realistic about where you are, and you don't think you can reach where you want just because you said so, and because of your current state you're going to give up and make it another excuse to hate yourself.

- are you standards for yourself things you actually believe in fully? Things that if you find in someone you truly admire? Things that if you had it would change your life for the better or make you a better person? Or are they whatever society needs you to be, or whatever you have been gaslighted about when you're younger? This is really important because if you can't stand behind how you evaluate yourself you'll never break free from low self esteem since you have no idea why you believe in them. (like why the hell does it matter that they speak 20 languages? What realistic benefit does that bring to your life or other people around you? I don't know about you but someone's hobby doesn't make them special, there's a million hobby out there than count as much)

- having shortcomings isn't the end of the world, it isn't a war crime, it's normal to not magically be born with amazing traits that you admire, and you can always work on being the person you want to be, and it takes a really long time for certain traits, be comfortable in being flawed, because you're human, you're born flawed. Also people that have those traits invest in their selves to have them so they're not easy to get for them as well.

Ok that's all I can think of, but having those as a base and working to change your beliefs (because low self esteem is a belief you were conditioned to believe into) will help guide you in the long run, I would suggest to aim for neutrality about yourself in the beginning, and then work towards self love.

Good luck to you on your journey <3

Sometimes part of social skills come from knowing yourself better. I don't know about you, but from how this is written, it sounds like you are stressed, and don't have an outlet you enjoy.

What are your hobbies? This can be an easy segue into friend groups when you have something in common. Another benefit of doing this is, improving your happiness not only improves your base level of life, but would also change others perception of you.

When I am stressed, or anxious, I look anxious. Sometimes I have the ability to tuck anxiety to get things done - and usually it either goes away on its own or I can deal oth it long enough that I can deal with it later when I am alone. I did not advise this route since this is my own quirk, and not likely a one size fits all solution.