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Okay so basically, I am a masters student. I want to do a PhD someday as well. And I have the worst self-esteem and literally have no idea how to fix it. I hate everything about myself (appearance, sound of my voice, social skills, etc.) and I also view myself as dumb. I've always had these issues. And yes I have tried dressing better, taking care of myself, having a skincare routine, going to therapy, taking my vitamins, exercising, making time for non-school related reading in areas I want to know about, etc. Nothing helps to actually raise my self-esteem.
And grad school has made all these issues worse. I love what I study, I love that this university has a huge library with everything I want, and I still really want to do a PhD. I haven't been having any issues with maintaining my grades or productivity levels, and I participate in class. The assigned reading load is also manageable. And I have faith in myself to finish my essays. Basically, the academic side is not an issue at all. It's the social side that's the issue.
The people give me extreme amounts of impostor syndrome. Whenever I talk to someone, I feel stupid. Everyone understands every philosopher and speaks like 20 languages or something, and I'm wondering how I even got in. I'm not isolating myself from people. In fact, I've actually been talking to people way more than I did during undergrad. We have study sessions or get food together, and they always tell me about their lives and interests. I just feel like I'm so boring compared to everyone.
And I've also been having issues with reciprocity. I'm always initiating plans, I'm always asking questions, and if I never messaged anyone first then no one would want to talk to me. People don't value me like I value them. I'm literally so in awe of everyone here and when they start talking about something they're passionate about I literally feel like I'm going to fall in love with them. But I feel like I have to try so hard to seem interesting or worthwhile, and no matter how hard I try to convince them to be friends with me it just doesn't seem to work.
I don't know what to do.
Improving your self esteem can be a different journey for everyone, so it's difficult for me to give advice that would 100% fit your case, though I'll share things that I learned through mine, maybe it'll be helpful to you?
- you're always gonna be yourself, you're never going to wake up being someone else, you can hate her as much as you like but it's pointless, so you have no choice but to invest in what you have right now.
- you're never gonna be fully happy if you're not comfortable in your own skin, you might have the whole world but would still be unsatisfied, do you always want to be sad?
- low self esteem is about exaggerating your "bad" traits and downplaying your good traits, you're basically biased against yourself, it's not a realistic way of thinking, but it convinces you it is.
- there's no fucking way you're as horrible as you make yourself out to be, like are you a serial killer? Are you a scam artist who prey on poor people? Why on earth are you treating yourself like you're the scum of earth?
- a lot of the people you admire are not shit, they're a representation of what you want to be but can't, it's also an extension of your bias, if you evaluate them for who they actually are you'll find out they're nothing special
- the small things you focus on about yourself are not as important as you make them out to be, your mannerisms are not really important, everyone has a way of speaking, and even if people don't like them and hate you for it, do you really want to be around shallow assholes? Is those people's opinions what you look up to and follow?
- you're never going to reach your full potential when you hate yourself, because you're not being realistic about where you are, and you don't think you can reach where you want just because you said so, and because of your current state you're going to give up and make it another excuse to hate yourself.
- are you standards for yourself things you actually believe in fully? Things that if you find in someone you truly admire? Things that if you had it would change your life for the better or make you a better person? Or are they whatever society needs you to be, or whatever you have been gaslighted about when you're younger? This is really important because if you can't stand behind how you evaluate yourself you'll never break free from low self esteem since you have no idea why you believe in them. (like why the hell does it matter that they speak 20 languages? What realistic benefit does that bring to your life or other people around you? I don't know about you but someone's hobby doesn't make them special, there's a million hobby out there than count as much)
- having shortcomings isn't the end of the world, it isn't a war crime, it's normal to not magically be born with amazing traits that you admire, and you can always work on being the person you want to be, and it takes a really long time for certain traits, be comfortable in being flawed, because you're human, you're born flawed. Also people that have those traits invest in their selves to have them so they're not easy to get for them as well.
Ok that's all I can think of, but having those as a base and working to change your beliefs (because low self esteem is a belief you were conditioned to believe into) will help guide you in the long run, I would suggest to aim for neutrality about yourself in the beginning, and then work towards self love.
Good luck to you on your journey <3