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Annoyingly, I have found myself yet again in a male-led team (originally intending to join the female-led team and wear my radfem badge with honour, but unfortunately I was needed elsewhere).
So far it's been great. I have no issues with my male colleagues (even better that I spend my lunches with the women). But I'm getting more and more frustrated (or even embarrassed) at MYSELF in how I instinctively behave so "appeasing" to them.
For example, if a male senior apologises for an error in his work, suddenly I'm doing a whole high-pitched chirpy song and dance like "it's fine!! It's fine!! No no, I didn't help in that situation, it's ok! I've done the same mistake!" etc. And it's not coming from a place of empathy/sympathy like if a female colleague that's opened up and apologised, but almost like a panic to diffuse the situation and trying to act super happy to avoid people (in this case, men) from feeling bad. I wonder if it's trauma-related from past male experiences and because theyre men in positions of power.
I find myself going back to my own office suddenly angry at myself after realising how I've presented myself, confused why I acted that way (when I wouldn't act such a way with a female colleague) and concerned for how I must come across in their eyes... esp since I'm still new and they're still forming a picture of me.
Anyone relate or have some tips?
I can relate. I default to fawning as well.
First, recognize when it’s happening. You might be mid-sentence saying “it’s fine, it’s fine,” and the second you realize what you’re doing, stop talking. Just stop talking, even if it’s mid-sentence. This might feel weird at first but honestly, other people aren’t usually paying that much attention anyway.
Better yet, recognize when it MIGHT come up and prepare yourself. About to have a meeting with them? Going to ask them a question? Tell yourself beforehand, “I will not acknowledge them if they say they made a mistake,” or whatever it is that triggers you going into “fawn” mode.
And finally, when a male colleague apologizes for a mistake, especially in a group setting, observe how your other male colleagues react. They might just ignore the apology and carry on with the conversation. This is always interesting to me to watch, because then I mirror that behavior later.
Edited to add: I’m definitely in the bitch-mode chapter of my life. People learn from making mistakes, and I’ve made my fair share in life and faced the consequences. Male collleague makes a mistake and feels bad about it? Fucking good. He should feel bad about. Do better, you fucking disappointment. 😂 So if that energy is helpful to you, embrace it.
I just had a similar situation with a (female) colleague, who made a mistake and I was trying to be nice and empathetic about it. I wrote that it’s all good and that I understand, and you know what she did? She responded with the eye roll emoji. No text, just eye roll emoji. At first, I was a bit angry and hurt, but now I’m reflecting that perhaps my “nice and empathetic” message wasn’t so genuine after all and that I really shouldn’t be overextending myself like this. Nobody asked me to. I’m at work to do my job, and other people’s experiences and feelings at work are not my responsibility, nor do I want them to be my responsibility. Honestly, this incident shook me up somewhat, so I hope I’ll be able to be less fawny and more centered next time. Just thought I would share.