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I used to be ambitious until I met someone who put me down and said I am very masculine and need to be like other girls who are very feminine and always laugh. I don’t talk to that person but those words stayed with me and I became a different person who cares what stupid college boys think about instead of focusing on finishing my degree. I dropped out of college and now I just sit at home and do part time jobs. I get panic attacks and procrastinate a lot on my goals and dreams. I wish I had a thick skin and didn’t let those words get to me but it did and the damage has been done. I started shrinking myself around guys and it never helped my career. Now I am a college dropout.
Ladies, please, I just need a fire in me to go back to who I was. I am taking an online Coursera course now and I want to apply for student loans but something has a chokehold on me. I am angry at myself but not enough to finish my degree. I feel hopeless. I cry in the middle of the day.
I never cared about men my whole life and those words made me shrink myself. I used to be ambitious and work extremely hard. I was working two jobs while going to university and then started caring what others think of me And getting panic attacks if I didn’t look good.
my goal should have just been to get my degree. not how my makeup is nor acting dumb and not even doing my school work.
I regret what I have done to myself and I take the blame.
I just need some kick in my butt so I can keep going and go back to school and keep working hard.
They were deliberately trying to sabotage you, if you weren't a threat to them and didn't outshine them they wouldn't have bothered targeting you, you have something they don't. Can you join some study groups with other women or get involved in some kind of mentoring or intern program? I think you need to reconnect with your passion for your chosen area of study. If it's too triggering you could also try a complimentary subject that would bring you back to it more slowly and allow you to pick up some momentum before tackling the hardest subjects although it sounds to me like you should be aiming higher, the guys bullying you sounds like you were the smartest person in the room and could probably take on something mire challenging. Get away from the mediocre who try to be gatekeepers (they aren't) and among people who have better things to do with their time than drag other down, the difference is night and day.
I’d suggest getting into therapy. It helped me wonders. It will help you work on these limiting beliefs. My therapist used to make it clear to me that there is no one way to be a woman. That is a societal issue not mine. Man I loved her!! In person-centred therapy it is seen that we an incongruent self and an ideal self and when our incongruent self doesn’t match with our ideal self that is when we are lost and unhappy. And without growth we do not find happiness either. The way to achieve it is to find the in between whilst you have radical acceptance, positive regard and compassion for yourself :) I feel you need to address these introjected beliefs (beliefs others have put on you) Definitely consider therapy queen :)
I'm very masculine as well. I skate, and mastering a sport/skill/hobby/passion really does wonders for your confidence. Once I got really good at skating I realized I can achieve whatever I set my sights on, so I switched careers and have a dream job in IT. So my point is, kicking ass at something you really love can give you confidence to kick ass in other areas of your life. Find that passion and let it influence your day to day.
There's not much you can do to change your past acknowledge it and move forward💖. And you're not stupid. You're on Coursera which means you're a highly motivated and you're interested in seeking out knowledge in your free time. That's a big step in the right direction!