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I belong to an organization, I'll call it, and I made a woman friend I'll call Dana. Years ago, Dana used to be in a relationship with another member called Dave.
When I was new to Dana warned me about Dave. Told me he was dangerous, that she was scared of him, and that among other things he had been sexually violent.
She told me explicit details of one particular assault and since then, I often have intrusive images pop into my head when I'm around her, and it's even worse when I'm in a room with the two of them.
I then told her about my bad experience with Dave. I had had coffee with him and he ranted at me about how feminists had destroyed society and called me numerous insults, and that it took me two hours to get out of there.
I obviously don't speak to Dave, and neither does she but that changed Tuesday. She was chairing an event and she appointed him to lead a discussion when she could have chosen anyone. AND she appointed him to lead the discussion I always participate in.
When she said his name she said it in a sugary sweet way, and after the meeting ended, she made her way right to him and the last I saw they were both smiling and talking intently to each other--they were flirting.
I felt really upset and disgusted at seeing that. So after I left I blocked and deleted her contact information.
Afterwards I told an organization member, a woman who is my advisor, that I was finished with Dana, that I had found it inappropriate that she had appointed him to lead the discussion, that I was confused about why she was even speaking to him given how he'd treated her, let alone flirting with him and that I felt betrayed because she knew he had insulted me so badly that I cried.
I told my advisor I'd like to move to a different chapter of the organization because I didn't want to deal with them, and she called me immature, accused me of interfering in their relationship, said I was wrong, that it hadn't be inappropriate for to appoint him to lead that discussion given she told me he was basically a violent rapist, that I was wrong for feeling upset and that I shouldn't stop being her friend, and that there was something wrong with me for feeling deeply uncomfortable around them.
I'd now like to switch to a different chapter of the organization and find a new advisor. It means I'll lose four months of work and have to start from scratch. It could also be some time before I find a new advisor but I am just SO uncomfortable around them. I can't help but think about him assaulting her and imagining horrible things and before I make that decision, I like an FDS take on it.
(Edited to remove too many details about a sexual assault)
Ok, so you've fallen into an unprofessional trap that's easy to do with coworkers. I've had bosses be overly chummy with me, and coworkers as well, and they always start as fast friends and escalate to hyper-personal information. Instead of transferring to another chapter- leave this community entirely. Do you really think of the leaders are like that here, that they will be different in another branch? If an organization is structured to reward toxic people for behaving badly/inappropriately, it is a problem with the organization and transferring won't benefit you in the long run.
You should never be talking about sex in any way shape or form with a coworker- it's inappropriate full stop. (It's also sexual harassment but I'll digress on that point)
There is never, in your life, a good reason for you to bring up your sex life- even in close friendships you'll have some vagueness in an explanation. Even friendships that over share explicit details are always toxic on some level- Dave and Dana both shoved different red flags in your face and those aren't just red flags about their personalities, but what kind of personality is able to thrive in this organization.
We could have gotten the point of your post without the details of sexual assault.
You should leave this toxic organization with very poor leadership. The fact that your advisor isn’t concerned about a woman who was sexually assaulted by her partner at the same organization is a huge red flag. Your advisor is enabling him to treat women however she wants and that woman is a pick me because she is still trapped in trauma bonding. Focus on yourself and leave. Find a healthy place and set strict boundaries at work. At my company, they don’t know if I’m single, married or seeing anyone. I also don’t discuss my personal life or what I do. It’s not their business.