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Hi Queens,
I am in a career where there is heavy cultural misogyny and it's very much a boys club. I experience different treatment than men in my same standing get very frequently. But, I enjoy my job and it is a unique position in STEM that I would not be able to find where I am now. I suppose this post is about things that my boss has said to me, specifically. I believe it to be weird, but my female coworkers have brushed it off saying its a joke. My boss is a very big "jokester" and is contantly telling stories about his boring as fuck life and childhood. The things that he says to me are in the form of a joke so it is hard to me to identify it as harassment to others. I sometimes have trouble reading social situations so if I could get some outside opinions on this I would appreciate it or how I can respond in situations like this.
For example, he once told me I was the "weakest link in the team" to someone he was introducing me to. Said in the form of a joke.
There was anther time where there were teenagers found on our work property having sex and my boss joked with me and asked me specifically if I was doing that on company time.
He showed me and two other young women a comic book that he drew in college (50 years ago) that had penises drawn all over it...
Made a comment about my victorias secret bag asking if thats from the lingerie company. Not necessarily that bad but still weird to bring up.
Jokes to me and my other female coworker that if one of us gets to the computer faster he'll give them a raise.
Told me that if I was a superhero I would be called "the brick." I'm quite tall and get comments alot about my body.
Fuck this sexually harassing prick. He's testing your boundaries and will probably escalate. I hate when they do this. Options:
Play the straight and narrow and straight up go to HR. This sounds like enough behavior to establish a pattern. It probably won't work and will put you at risk.
Go to HR without going to HR. Ask an HR person "hypothetically what if a random supersvisor were doing something similar to" these behaviors. This will tip HR off and give you plausible deniability.
Find a person at his same level of authority/management. Ask that person for "advice" without going into specifics or naming names. This may be construed around the office as "talking shit," or this second manager could do something else with the information you give them. It might reflect poorly on you, but it will definitely reflect poorly on your shitty boss.
Play dirty and hit back. Make your boss look bad. Try and get him in trouble. Try and find things to report him to his own boss for. But be secretive about all of this.
Play extra dirty. Is he married? Does he have a girlfriend? Are there people in his life who would be interested in knowing about his behavior? Wouldn't it be nice if someone let them know?
I refuse to tell you that unfortunately you should probably start looking for a new job hurr dee hurr or to just go with the flow aw shucks golly gee because I AM SICK AND TIRED OF THAT BEING THE ONLY ADVICE THAT ANYONE EVER GIVES TO WOMEN WHOSE BOSSES HARASS THEM.
And your pickme women coworkers can go eat a dick too.
Thank you very much.
When my former boss made stupid sexist jokes, I merely said "I am not comfortable with this kind of banter." He obviously went into a "but it's just harmless fun" defense, and I re-stated, calmly, that it wasn't funny to me and I'd like him to refrain from it in my presence. He was still a chauvinistic ass, but at least he stopped bothering me with his comments. Might be worth a shot. You have to be prepared for the eye roll and being called "sensitive", and just don't react to it and remain stubborn.
You have to find a different job.
HR is not your friend and will *ALWAYS* side with the company/your boss.
HR will actively attempt to discredit you so that the accusations will be seen as unsubstantiated.
I agree with the grey-rock and find another job answers. Or the dumb fox approach: say "weakest link"? Why? In front of the person he's talking to. "Brick? I don't understand; please explain." with a perfectly straight face.
He should be reported to HR and also to the police.
hmm its a tough one. Some of those comments would stun me as so unprofessional. He is looking for a reaction I think or for you to one up him back in the same manner ie 'yeah because of a subpar manager' to the weakest link comment for example. Or commenting yeah the bag is for your grandma's lingerie. I don't enjoy this type if one upping. I don't think pulling him aside would work here. I would love to see other ladies suggestions on dealing with this type. I come from a stem background too and only had one such person around years ago but most everyone found him irritating.
Thanks to the recent Washington post article leftists may not allow you to file a complaint